RAF – Date with a Dom, Pt. I: Exes & Self-Acceptance

Thursday’s RAF Series covers people, topics and events that are Real As Fuck.This month’s RAF Series is a four-part interview with Master J. The following transcript is from Christmas Eve of 2017, whereby Master J and I sat down together over glasses of wine to discuss his experience in realizing, becoming and embracing his inner dominant.

Enjoy!

DATE WITH A DOM, Pt. I: EXES & SELF-ACCEPTANCEQM: So, it’s Christmas 2017 – done! My first question. What was the first moment in your life where you had a dominant thought or fantasy? The earliest you remember, and what was it?MASTER J: I would probably say around 11 or 12 years old when I started masturbating. Actually, I think I started masturbating around 10, I was pretty young.

QM: I know this is random, but can you ejaculate at that age?

MASTER J: In France they did a study that said the male – the young male – of the south, most of the time they [develop] semen around 11 years old, and of the north, it’s between 14 and 15. This has to do with the sun. The more sun–

QM: The healthier you are.MASTER J: Ya. And I think the moment I started, I just pictured women being tied up and loving it. I remember specifically one moment where I kind of shocked myself after coming. I mean I was by myself, so no one could judge me – but, I was judging myself because I was whipping someone.QM: So, were you like, “what’s wrong with me?”

MASTER J: I was wondering if it was normal more than “what’s wrong with me?” And ya, I was whipping someones chest.

QM: And how far did it go, regarding the whipping? Was there blood? Was there bruising?

MASTER J: Ya, almost to the blood. But the woman was loving it.

QM: So, you never had a rape scenario in your brain, where you wanted a woman who didn’t want you?

MASTER J: No, every single time the woman wanted it harder and harder, but she could not move, and I could just [do what I want]…

QM: How was she tied up?

MASTER J: I remember it, because it really shocked me. I would have been sitting, and she would have been sitting on me. She would have been on top of me. But she would have been tied up. Like with both arms in a “Y” [above her head]. And even if she’s on me, she’s kind of laying back, so I can whip her [chest]. You know what I mean?

QM: So she’s straddling you, but she’s leaning back. Her arms are tied up to something from the ceiling? So, she’s just angled backwards.

MASTER J: Yes, and she would move on me.

QM: Interesting! How old was she? And was it someone specific?

MASTER J: I remember at some point – I don’t know why, as I don’t find her particularly attractive – I imagined someone like Nicole Kidman; similar body.

QM: Oh right, I remember you telling me you had a thing for her when you were younger.

MASTER J: Well, Moulin Rouge. Even if Moulin Rouge came out much later. Something like that.

QM: And, how old were you? Like, were you your 10 year old self [in your head]?

MASTER J: Ya, I mean, I was my age – 11 or 12.

QM: Ya, I guess you can’t really project yourself as an older version of you. [Laughter]

MASTER J: Ya, no.

QM: Well, sorry, Nicole Kidman!

MASTER J: Ya, well she was much younger at the time, too.

QM: Ya, but 11 or 12? I think it’s a stretch. [Laughter]

MASTER J: I just remember shocking myself thinking about that. At the end.

QM: So, what was so shocking about it? It obviously came naturally to you.

MASTER J: I think what was shocking was that I almost went to blood with her, and she was still asking for me. And I was like, how is that even possible that a woman could enjoy pain so much, and why is it that I love women who love pain? Because that’s the thing. It doesn’t turn me on to give pain to someone, what turns me on is when the woman takes pleasure from it.

QM: Do you like pain?

MASTER J: I like it only when the woman enjoys it.

QM: No, I mean pain on you?

MASTER J: Oh, no, no.

QM: Even if a woman was like, “I want to hit you, I want to be [bad]?”

MASTER J: Ya, it already happened. I tried in my life at some point [with a woman]. I also tried to put the water as hot as possible on my cock –

QM: On your cock?

MASTER J: Ya, when I was masturbating.

QM: My god, that must have been awful. [Laughter]

MASTER J: Ya, I tried. Some people like it.

QM: So where did you get that idea? Did you see it somewhere, or were you just like “hm, I want to see how this feels? Let’s just burn the shit out of me penis”? [Laughter]

MASTER J: Ya, and it didn’t work, I didn’t like it.

QM: You can’t even take hot showers now, I can’t imagine what that must have been like for you. [Laughter]

MASTER J: No, but it was a try. It was just for the sensation.

QM: Ya, no that makes sense. Did you ever try really, really cold?

MASTER J: Mmm, no. But I had an ex girlfriend that always finished her showers by putting the water as cold as possible. So, I had this impression on me – not as a sexual thing – but I just hate cold water, so when I was with her, I was like, “Nope, I’m leaving the shower.”

QM: Apparently it’s really good for your circulation, to alternate extreme temperatures.

MASTER J: It’s amazing. That’s what she was doing.

QM: I’m going to ask you something.

MASTER J: Sure.

QM: If you have an erection, and you put freezing cold water on your erection – because when a man isn’t hard and he goes into water, it goes inward – does something like that happen even when you’re hard?

MASTER J: No, but with my ex, one day we bought a cream from a sex shop that was made with mint. You put it on [your penis] when you’re hard, and it was supposed to be good and make you harder.

QM: It would give a tingling sensation.

MASTER J: Yes.

QM: So, it’s just for the male sensation, it doesn’t do anything for the female?

MASTER J: Ya, I mean it could do something for the woman. I don’t know. But the saleswoman said it was a new product and for us to try it – I think she may have given it to us for free. And the moment I put it on, I lost my erection and I couldn’t get hard for like two hours. It was painful and we didn’t have sex. My girlfriend was probably very frustrated.

QM: But did it burn?

MASTER J: Ya, it burned, it was cold. I was hard, I went back down, and after I just couldn’t get hard anymore. No matter what.

QM: I guess, if you think about when you eat gum, it’s super cold in your mouth when you breathe in. It’s probably the same sensation?

MASTER J: Ya, it was just so weird. This product just didn’t work for me.

QM: I’ve never even heard of that. I guess they have so many products out there – was it a lube?

MASTER J: Ya, it was kind of a lube. It was in what looked like a little condom pack, but inside there was cream. And ya, the moment I put it on, I was so weirded out. Ya, the same thing as gum when you put it in your mouth – like a very strong, mint gum.

QM: So, when was your first real dominant experience – even if it was mild? Where you were like, “Oh my god, this is happening?” The first time you truly felt like a dominant, even if it’s super mild compared to where you are now?

MASTER J: I think it was on the phone with a married woman I had been seeing for a little while in my early twenties. Because when we were touching ourselves on the phone, I was telling her what to do, and I felt… I mean, I can’t know for sure – but the way she was breathing and responding made me feel like she was doing it. And she was putting herself in the positions I was telling her, and she would move as fast as I wanted her to on her clit, or putting as many fingers inside of her – to the point where I could feel as though it was too much [for her]. But she was still doing it. I was telling her to go hard and then to go slow and t

hen to go hard, you know? I could feel in the breathing that she was doing it, but I think that was the moment I thought, “Yep, apparently there are women who just like being controlled in this way.”

QM: Do you think that was the biggest struggle for you – that you just didn’t believe women would like it?

MASTER J: Yes.

QM: And she was the first person that made you realize this kind of sexual experience was possible?

MASTER J: Yes.

QM: And this married woman – I’m sorry, your timeline is so hard to follow —

MASTER J: 24. I was 24.

QM: So, she was after the German girl. And with the German girl you didn’t feel like the dominant?

(Clarification: Master J had a 2 year relationship with a girl from Germany in his early twenties – that is who I refer to here)

MASTER J: No, even if we had a spanking moment, I never–

QM: Ya, but spanking doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in control.

MASTER J: Exactly. She had blue marks, I remember she had blue marks and she had to lie to her friends about where she got them. But she really liked it. She would come when she was on top of me – what do you call that position, cowgirl–

QM: Reverse cowgirl?

MASTER J: Yes.

QM: What do you call that in French?

MASTER J: I have no idea. [Laughter]

QM: We should do a translation session – French Sex Positions.

MASTER J: Ya. [Laughter] But ya, I remember she had orgasms on me, while [riding] me, as I was spanking her, literally as hard as I could, because she was asking me to. But I never felt like it was a dominant thing.

QM: So, before the married woman, how many sexual partners did you have? I’m talking full-on intercourse, not just hand play or oral?

MASTER J: Not much. Wow, that’s, uhm – wait, I really need to think about that.

QM: K, well, while you think about it, I’m getting another drink.

MASTER J: And check the potatoes. Okay, one, two, three, four, five, I think the married woman was my fifth or my sixth. And I was 24, can you imagine that?

QM: Ya, but that’s not – do you think that’s a “good” number or “bad” number? Not that there’s such thing as a good or bad number.

MASTER J: No, I think it’s a bad number.

QM: I don’t think so.

MASTER J: I was 24, so…

QM: Well, how old were you when you lost your virginity?

MASTER J: 18

QM: Ya, I think that’s pretty common for someone who lost their virginity at 18. And who cares?

MASTER J: Well, I also had a 2 year relationship and a 6 month relationship with the first girl.

QM: Ya, exactly.

MASTER J: Then I had many more women. Many more experiences.

QM: I’m curious to find out the average age of virginity loss.

MASTER J: 17.

QM: Ya, I would believe that. But in France?

MASTER J: 17 for the boys and 16 for the girls, probably.

QM: 16 for the girls?

MASTER J: Ya, the girls are always younger, I imagine.

QM: Do you think it’s because the girls tend to go with older guys?

MASTER J: Ya, and it’s also because they are not the one with the pressure to perform. They don’t need to be–

QM: Right, the man needs more time to get comfortable in his own way to be. Especially if he’s expected to take charge.

MASTER J: I believe so, yes.

QM: So, you had sex with five girls before the married woman. Six in total before you felt you were “unleashing” the dominant inside of you?

MASTER J: Yes.

QM: The girls you had sex with before – the other 5 – I guess you were pretty young, but what was the sex like? Were there any signs that they could have been into domination? I guess what I’m trying to say is, you knew you were a dominant – or at least had these urges – so where do you think the disconnect was with the first 5 women? A communication thing, and age thing, inexperience?

MASTER J: Oh, ya. Age and inexperience, for sure. I think when you’re young, especially in France as a man during that time, you don’t really express your sexuality or fantasies.

QM: Why do you think that is?

MASTER J: Well, I think for my generation it was because that is not the point of sexuality. The point of sexuality is to please the girl.

QM: And how did you feel about that growing up? When you started being sexually active, how did that affect you?

MASTER J: You don’t even think about it. It’s normal. It is what it is. You do everything for the girl. And my first girlfriend that I had sex with had never even touched herself prior. Ever. She didn’t even know her body, but that was normal too, for her, because it was the “job of the man” that she would be with. Which was my job at the time. Not every girl is or was like that – it was just my experience.

QM: Ya of course, it was your experience in general, as well as the experience of your friends in that area of France at that time?

MASTER J: Yes. You hide yourself behind your concentration of pleasing the girl. You just want to do what she wants to do.

QM: Did that make it easier in a way, because then you could kind of repress the dominant side of you?

MASTER J: No, because it’s very stressful. You have to be good, you have to please the girl. There is so much pressure. I didn’t even know “dominant” was a word at the time. I didn’t put a name on it. It truly came much later than the married woman. I wasn’t a dominant for her, I was just–

QM: You were more vocal.

MASTER J: Ya, I was more vocal, and she was more vocal about what she wanted. And everything she wanted was more towards the submissive side of sexuality, where I was more the dominant, but we never put those labels on it. It only came after my ex girlfriend.

QM: Okay, and that’s because you weren’t sexually satisfied [in that relationship]?

MASTER J: Ya, it was done. It’s more the fact that Fifty Shades of Grey helped in a way. I was 26, 27 at the time.

QM: Okay, and at that time you were like, “Oh, okay, I’m a dominant.”?

MASTER J: Ya. I mean, I knew that already, but Fifty Shades really put a label on it. And I had been with a woman who just wasn’t sexually interested in a lot of things. The moment we broke up, I was like, “I’m not participating sexually without saying I’m a dominant.”

QM: Do you think that was the main switch for you?

MASTER J: Yes.

QM: And it’s because you felt like you had lost time in that relationship regarding who you were and what you needed sexually?

MASTER J: Yes.

QM: So, you were just like “fuck it!”

MASTER J: Ya.

QM: Okay. And were you scared? When you met women, were you nervous to be like, “listen, this is what I am?”

MASTER J: No, it was the opposite. I was lucky because just after my relation

ship ended, there was a woman I worked with – she was 19, I was 27 – and we spoke a lot about sex. I knew what she wanted. She’d only had two men in her life. One was a relationship of only a few months, the other was a one night stand. She had never been truly pleased by a man–

QM: So you were like “challenge accepted”? [Laughter]

MASTER J: It wasn’t even that. It’s that fact that when I told her what I was [at my place], she was intrigued. So, I sent her to the bathroom and told her to come back without her bra–

QM: What was she wearing?

MASTER J: Jammies. Pants and a sweater. We were supposed to watch a movie.

QM: Oh, so it wasn’t even a sexy kind of getup?

MASTER J: No, no. She was like really [casual]. Then I made her sit between my legs, put her hands behind her back – I planned the whole thing – my handcuffs were hiding somewhere, so I used them. Then I touched her breasts for ten to fifteen minutes. I had her lie down, and because it was the first woman after my relationship, I easily put 90 minutes on her before I began on myself.

QM: That is a long time!

MASTER J: Ya, but after 2 years and a half with someone else, I needed time.

QM: Did you have trouble getting an erection?

MASTER J: Ya, at the beginning. So, I just took time on her. And she was doing everything I wanted, so at some point my body reacted.

QM: What was it – if you could pin it down to one thing – that made it so difficult for you to get an erection in this moment? Was it because you were so used to a certain sexuality—?

MASTER J: No, I think it’s the fact that I was used to a body. It’s just about the body.

QM: Yes, I’ve experienced that.

MASTER J: You know, she was a little bit bigger, stronger. Her breasts were very firm.

QM: Your trying to navigate a whole new system.

MASTER J: Exactly.

QM: And women, they like different things. You could go hard on one woman’s breasts, but not on another’s. So, this new woman liked it rough compared to your previous girlfriend?

MASTER J: Ya, I was a bit harder on her. For me, the difference was she was getting super wet. She was really reacting well to what I was doing. And the main thing is, I think, [for example] when I went to grab something from another room, I told her not to move, and when I came back, she was in the exact same position.

QM: She listened to you.

MASTER J: Ya, she truly listened to me. She was all open for me too. Her legs were lying there, her pussy all open. I think that made the difference for me too in the moment.

QM: Right, there was no hesitation. She was truly being a submissive.

MASTER J: She also asked to take it very slow regarding my pleasure. even with my cock, she didn’t want me to rush. So, for example, I’d put my cock against her lips, but not inside of her mouth right away, just for her to taste me. Which is crazy, because after she told me to just do whatever I wanted – if I wanted to come on her without fucking her, I could. She didn’t care. And I think that’s what made the switch.

QM: You felt like she was there for your pleasure?

MASTER J: And also the “you do anything you want” made me very hard.

QM: The utter submission.

MASTER J: We fucked. I also knew that she’d never had a man come in her mouth, and it was something she really wanted to try.

QM: And in your previous relationship, that had never happened.

MASTER J: No.

QM: That must have been exciting then, to have her so eager to try.

MASTER J: Ya, it really was. But not only did it not happen a lot for me, it never happened for her, and it was something she wanted.

QM: And before that moment, had you ever come in someone’s mouth?

MASTER J: Oh ya.

QM: So, it was just the relationship before this?

MASTER J: I never had trouble finding women who enjoyed pleasing me with their mouth, it was just the relationship I had just come out of.

QM: And you were there for 2 years–

MASTER J: 2 years and a half.

QM: Obviously that was a long relationship, so you get used to the person and the way they are, so it’s easy, especially when there is an incompatibility, to feel like you aren’t normal for wanting the more extreme version of things. So, that was probably difficult going into a new experience.

MASTER J: Ya, and it was pretty intense. This girl, just after my relationship, came twice before I made myself come, which is already a huge thing. But we never spoke about it, I just told her to put herself in a position and I was going to make myself come, and it’s funny because it was her first time, so she did it, but so much come came out of her mouth and onto the floor.

QM: That’s okay.

MASTER J: Ya, it makes sense, and for me it was so sexy, but I don’t know how she felt about it. I don’t know if she was embarrassed – although I hope not, because it was a very sexy moment for me.

QM: I lost my virginity at a very young age, and when I think about that time, or even some of my friends at that time, and how they’d act in bed with men – it’s almost like we’d try to be as perfect as possible – when I’m learning now that the messier it is, the more real it is and therefore the sexier it is for a man, and a woman. Less pressure, more enjoyment. Like, there’s going to be sweat, there’s going to be “fluids” [laughter] – God knows where – there’s going to be noises…so you find that part of it hot?

MASTER J: For sure. Ya, you don’t like clean. Clean is boring.

Both: [Laughter]

MASTER J: No, but it’s true. It’s sweet, boring sex. Vanilla sex. I guess some people like that…not me. Anyway, I guess that was my first real, “I’m a dominant/you’re a submissive” moment.

QM: And did you two ever say that to each other? You said you spoke about it?

MASTER J: Ya, before.

QM: Did you use the word “dominant”?

MASTER J: I think so. She knew.

QM: So, she knew what she was getting herself into?

MASTER J: Ya, but she was 19 and I was 27. I was her manager, and I was also someone a lot of women were speaking about at work.

QM: Right, she told you that? They all assumed you’d be good in bed.

MASTER J: Ya. I’m the “French guy with experience,” and I’m sure in her mind she thought, “yep, he picked me [after his ex].” And she was really sexy, she was carrying a bit of extra weight, and just truly sexy. You could see that she wanted sex.

QM: Ya, but do you think – getting off the topic a bit about dominance, and onto the female body – but, you always said that it’s about connection more than anything else. Of course, there’s a line where you’re either attracted or just not attracted to the person, but you would rather–

MASTER J: Yes, I’ve had sex with women who were overweight, and I’ve had sex with women who – in my opinion – were underweight. Sometimes I was with women that I didn’t find truly nice to look at, but it doesn’t mean you can’t

get excited about them because there is some sort of connection. Body types are so different and sexy in their own way. Connection is the most important thing.

QM: So, when it was all said and done with this girl who you had your first dominant experience with, after she left, and you’re sitting by yourself alone, what were you thinking? Were you like, “Oh my god, that’s what it’s supposed to be like?”

MASTER J: Oh ya. I mean, I more thought, “yep, I lost two and a half years of my life sexually.”

QM: But it almost did you a favour in a way, did it not?

MASTER J: Ya, but I could have found a girl that was “normal” – if I can say that.

QM: Normal for you? [Laughter]

MASTER J: Ya, that would have [worked]. Because I had amazing sex before, even if I didn’t put the label “dominant” on it. Like the married woman was truly a dominant/submissive relationship, I just didn’t realize at the time. But with this girl, [the 19 year old] it was. It was said. Where before it wasn’t said, even if I was giving orders.

End

Until next time,

Fuck-well, my friends

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