RAF – Date with a Dom, Pt II: Knowing Your Sub

QM: Right. So, when you think about “I’m a dominant,” what does that mean for you?

MASTER J: If we truly have a dominant/submissive moment, at no point does the girl decide the position. I think speaking is important – the dirty talk, name calling. But it doesn’t mean I can’t or don’t give pleasure. I could be dominating a woman and going down on her. It’s never only about me, it’s just the way I do it, it’s like she doesn’t expect it or know it’s going to happen. I just decide what I want to do and do it.

QM: Before when you were having dominant experiences, you weren’t going into it thinking about you? Obviously you were doing what you wanted to do though. So, what’s the difference?

MASTER J: I always listen to the body of the woman. It’s funny. I’ll take an example. I slept with this Brazilian woman, and she was the first one I tied up in a way where her hands were behind her back, and she was laying on her stomach.

QM:
Right.

MASTER J:
And at some point I put my hand over her mouth, and the way her entire body reacted, even if she couldn’t speak – she just loved it. To the point where she almost came at that point. I never did it before! So, was it her body that kind of guided me to do that, or was it me?

QM: Okay, so tell me a time where you experienced the opposite. A time you did something and you knew you should absolutely not continue doing that, even without the woman saying it.

MASTER J:
Um… Well, I would pick an example where nothing was working. But I had sex with one French woman, where I asked her to do something, and she responded, “Oh, you’re going to make me work.”

QM:
Right. So, when you think about “I’m a dominant,” what does that mean for you?

MASTER J:
If we truly have a dominant/submissive moment, at no point does the girl decide the position. I think speaking is important – the dirty talk, name calling. But it doesn’t mean I can’t or don’t give pleasure. I could be dominating a woman and going down on her. It’s never only about me, it’s just the way I do it, it’s like she doesn’t expect it or know it’s going to happen. I just decide what I want to do and do it.

QM: Before when you were having dominant experiences, you weren’t going into it thinking about you? Obviously you were doing what you wanted to do though. So, what’s the difference?

MASTER J:
I always listen to the body of the woman. It’s funny. I’ll take an example. I slept with this Brazilian woman, and she was the first one I tied up in a way where her hands were behind her back, and she was laying on her stomach.

QM: Right.

MASTER J:
And at some point I put my hand over her mouth, and the way her entire body reacted, even if she couldn’t speak – she just loved it. To the point where she almost came at that point. I never did it before! So, was it her body that kind of guided me to do that, or was it me?

QM: Okay, so tell me a time where you experienced the opposite. A time you did something and you knew you should absolutely not continue doing that, even without the woman saying it.

MASTER J:
Um… Well, I would pick an example where nothing was working. But I had sex with one French woman, where I asked her to do something, and she responded, “Oh, you’re going to make me work.”

QM: Oh.

MASTER J:
You just know that the girl doesn’t want to do anything. But I think honestly she just wasn’t having fun. I think she thought sexuality was more about the guy. [The guy is responsible for the pleasure and that’s it.]

QM: Oh, so maybe she went into it with a bad attitude already.

MASTER J:
Ya, maybe. I don’t think I ever had a true experience of dom/sub where the woman didn’t like it. Maybe I pushed the pain too far at some point, where I had to pull back. Like with you.

QM: Ya, I feel like we had that one moment that totally fucked me up.

MASTER J:
Ya, it wasn’t when I was applying the pain, it was when I removed it.

(Note: Master J had used laundry pins on my breasts. When he put them on, it didn’t hurt. When he removed them, it caused severe pain. That is what we are referring to here.)

QM: Ya, it created a numbness when it was on, but the second you took it off, it created an explosion of pain right into my breast! It was the craziest thing.

MASTER J:
Ya, I think we should have taken them off while doing something.

QM: Why, did we take them off after? I think I asked you to take them off though, because at some point something felt weird. We had to stop having sex, I’m pretty sure I was crying.

MASTER J:
Ya, it was too strong. I think I pushed some girls to the point where later they told me they almost asked me to stop, but I stopped right at their pain threshold. The thing about the pain, if we really speak about pain [not humiliation], when it comes to BDSM, is I’m not someone who likes pain, but the people who love pain – who are really turned on by it – at some point, the pain is so strong and uncomfortable, but that’s the turn on. It’s a weird limit, but I think I can reach this limit most of the time without going over it. I’ve never had a woman really tell me to stop because I went too far. But for example I had a sex friend who told me after, “Whenever I was going to tell you to stop, you switched to something else.” So, it’s weird.

QM: You’re very in tune though.

MASTER J: I think so. I think the dominant has to listen.

QM: When you speak about dominance, you talk about the fact that you listen to the woman’s body, the woman’s pleasure is important, because if you don’t have the woman’s pleasure, what the fuck is the point, right? Obviously it’s for your pleasure, too. And you spoke about when you were younger, in your area, for your generation, it was all about the woman’s pleasure. I think they are linked – they look related. I’m not saying that’s why you’re a dominant, I’m just pointing out the resemblance.

MASTER J:
Ya, but even if you listen to the woman’s body and she absolutely loves it, the whole purpose of [being a dominant] is making the woman feel like you’re doing everything for yourself, when really you’re doing it for her. So, she thinks she’s being fully dominated, yet she loves it and doesn’t understand why, because on the surface it looks like you’re doing everything for yourself, when the truth is she has so much pleasure from it.

QM: It’s almost like you’re doing what you want, but because she’s receiving so much pleasure, she doesn’t look at you like some selfish person.

MASTER J:
But the truth is, some women don’t want you to think like that. It’s all an illusion because, the truth is, the dominant gives the pleasure. So, for a true submissive you need her to believe you don’t care about her pleasure during sex. However, if you truly don’t care, then she actually won’t enjoy it.

QM: What’s the difference then between what you do and masochism and sadism? Because you like giving pain, but only if the woman likes it. So, you’re a type of sadist.

MASTER J: I’m a sadist, but not a true sadist because I don’t like it when my partner doesn’t like it. But then you have women who just want to be pushed. I’ve never met a woman who wants to be pushed on every part of her body. The breasts, the ass, the pussy…at some point they like going over the

top with one thing, for example, and maybe it does exist, but I’ve never found a woman who wants to be hurt in every place to the point where she can’t take it.

QM: See, I think this is where I get confused, because it’s still her telling you, in a sense, what she wants. So, at what point does it become true sadism?

MASTER J:
Well true sadism is when the woman doesn’t want it anymore.

QM: It’s almost a perversion.

MASTER J:
Ya, it’s maybe like a form of rape. I think the rare rape fantasy I participated in with women, the women always wanted it.

QM:
Ya, it’s a fantasy. You control the fake rape scenario. The minute it gets real, well…

MASTER J:
Ya, the moment you say stop – or use your safe word, or whatever – and the guy doesn’t stop, the first time, maybe it’s fun, it’s a part of the play, but at some point if he doesn’t stop, you’re not enjoying the sexuality anymore. I think when it comes to that, the part of the body I’ve had women push themselves to the maximum is the mouth.

QM: Like when you’re fucking her mouth?

MASTER J:
Yes.

QM: Have you only used your cock, or have you used toys? I know you’ve used your hands.

MASTER J:
No, hand and cock. Just my body. That’s the only part I ever felt like it was too much for the woman at some point, yet when I was pulling myself out, she was asking for it again. Does that make sense?

QM: Yes, but that comes back to you reading the body.

MASTER J:
Ya, at some point if the woman can’t take it because of breathing or gagging – discomfort – you stop, you get out.  And she says, “no, don’t stop, I don’t care if it seems like I can’t take it anymore.” Some women love that kind of sexuality.

QM: Is that hard for you as a dominant?

MASTER J: At some point you have to trust your partner. If you keep doing the opposite of what they’re saying they want – for example, not fucking their mouth because you feel it’s reached a point where it’s too difficult – they aren’t going to enjoy it either, right? They want what they want. Some women, of course, can’t do it simply because of their body – there’s nothing wrong with it, everyone is different. So, I guess, it’s about getting to know your partner, understanding the body and understanding what she wants.

QM: I think that’s a very specific part of the body. When you’re fucking the pussy and the woman is all tied up, unless she can tell you something is hurting, maybe there are less obvious signs. Where the mouth, you have that gag reflex.

MASTER J:
Of course. And some girls like it more than others, and some women can take it deeper and for longer than others. It’s physical.

QM: Right.

MASTER J:
The other thing is, I’ve had some girls that I’ve brought to tears and they don’t mind. Sometimes it also depends on the position. For some women, the more tied up and “uncomfortable” – if you want to call it that – they were in their position, the more turned on they said they were.

QM: I’m speaking now from my own submissive perspective, as I can’t obviously speak for all submissives, but, what I like about submission is the feeling of having to let go. You have no control, and you are forced to let go. You know that when we start off, I’m more into humiliation, but the more turned on I get, the more I like pain. It’s a build up of letting go, and also having as much sensation as possible.

MASTER J:
That’s why I think the mouth is so important for some submissives, because they can’t even say no. I’ve spoke to some submissives, friends who I’ve never slept with, who explained that, for example, they hate the idea of [semen], yet if she was with a man who didn’t give her the choice, she would find it so hot.

QM: She wants a guy to just do it? Like if a guy were to come on her face…

MASTER J:
I’m not even speaking the face, I’m speaking the mouth. She doesn’t like it. But the fact that she doesn’t like it and can’t so no, makes her like it. Make sense?

QM: Yes.

MASTER J:
This particular submissive’s fantasy, at some point, was to be fucked by two men. I don’t know if it’s the same now, but one in the pussy and one in the mouth, because once again she couldn’t say no to it. It was one of her biggest fantasies. I think when you’re a true submissive, at some point the mouth is important.

QM: And I’m sure there are women who are submissive and don’t necessarily like being fucked in the mouth, but maybe still like the use of gags, or an equivalent to that.

MASTER J:
Exactly. I’m using one specific example, but the idea of not being able to speak is a turn on. And we’re speaking only about women right now, but a lot of men have the same fantasy regarding the inability to say no or speak.

QM: Oh ya, we’re speaking about women because you’re a heterosexual male.

MASTER J:
Ya, but a lot of men, I’m sure would love it.

QM:
Yes, and there are just as many submissive males as there are females, and there are more submissive people than there are dominants.

MASTER J:
Yes. That’s what I read. I don’t know if it’s changed now or not because of Fifty Shades of Grey, but I also read that there are more submissive men than there are dominant men. I think women, I don’t know, but I would assume it could be a 50-50. But apparently the true dominant men are harder to find than the submissive.

QM: I just got lucky. [Laughter]

MASTER J:
A lot of men want to be submissive. They want to listen to women and be given orders.

QM: It’d be interesting to do, or read, a study about submission, because I would assume that most people don’t want to have to think. Do you ever feel insecure as a dominant? I know if I tried for a day to be a dominant, I’d be so insecure! [Laughter]

MASTER J:
No, I don’t think so. I think I’m good at listening to the body. I think my insecurity would come if there was no talking before.

QM: Communication is key.

MASTER J:
It’s true. Communication is key. I’d need to ask very specific questions, even about what part of the body could be pushed the furthest when it comes to pain.

QM: So, what do you think mine is? When it comes to pain, where can I take it the hardest?

MASTER J: Oh, the butt. And the hair maybe. I had a woman who truly had no limits when it came to pulling hair, but I’m sure if I went hard on her tits, she’d hate it. Then other women, you can’t even touch their hair because it’s hurting so much.

QM: The spanking, I love it. I love it even more, the more I’m turned on. The hair pulling, I like it, but it’s the one part of my body that, I don’t know why, I get pissed when it’s happening.

MASTER J:
You get angry?

QM: Ya, I don’t know why. But when you’re doing it I just get pissed, and angry and it makes me want to turn around and do really bad things to you. [Laughter]. Like when you’re pulling my hair, all I’m thinking is, “I’m going to turn around and clock him!” As if sex is about to turn into a fist fight. Which is kind of cool for me, because then I’m like “you better tie me up!”

MASTER J:
So you can let go.

QM: Not even let go. I need you to tie me up so I can’t move, so I can’t hurt you.

MASTER J: I had this girl in Paris who wasn’t into domination. She didn’t like handcuffs or any of it, but she loved hair play and being called names. I remember we were in the movie theatre and I put my hand on her hair, and at some point started tugging a bit, then harder and harder, and even though I never touched her anywhere else, she told me after that it made her so wet – so ready to come. Not that it would have made her come, but she reacted so well with that.

QM: I’m not a man, I’ve never spoke to men about it, but when you think about the obvious erogenous zones – the chest, the legs, etc. – I think women’s bodies are just more sensitive in general. But what’s interesting is where individuals erogenous zones are. For me, yes I’m admitting this, are my armpits (one of them). It’s weird, but I can’t help it. Apparently behind the knees and the opposite side of the elbows are strong. The neck – I guess that’s an obvious one.

MASTER J:
The earlobe. Even the face.

QM:
I’m just picturing someone licking your entire face [Laughter]

MASTER J:
No, but truly, I had a girl in Punta Cana – she was from Mexico – and I was rubbing my cock all over her face as she touched herself until she orgasmed. It made me come too. I came when she came, I was waiting for her. But the feeling of the cock on her face was such a turn on for her, where I’ve had some girls where there’s no fucking way my cock is going near their face. You can do something with one woman, and try the exact same thing with another one, and she’s going to be like, “what the fuck are you doing?” [Laughter] “Why are you touching me like that?”

QM: Do you think it’s the same for men though? I haven’t had a lot of unique experiences with men until I met you. Sex was very, “wam-bam-thank-you-ma’am.” It was missionary or doggy-style…

MASTER J:
Ya but that’s very “North American.” At least, that’s the reputation.

QM:
Ya and the only thing that exists is the boobs and the pussy, and maybe the mouth if you’re in a position that allows for it, but other than that it’s like [claps hands], “done!” And I’m not talking about anal play, because that is very specific, but just the body being touched in different ways, are men that diverse? Like, even the nipples! A lot of women have very sensitive nipples.

MASTER J: Ya, men too. Maybe it’s the fact that men aren’t taught to look for pleasure regarding the rest of their body – it’s their penis and that’s kind of it.

QM: I feel that, generally speaking, men are taught to be very physical and so the “coming” is always the goal, and women are more emotional [in their head], and therefore need more attention paid to their bodies in order to get into it.

MASTER J:
No matter what you do, I think for most men if the cock is not involved at some point they get bored.

QM: Ya, that makes sense, that’s the main area for pleasure.

MASTER J:
And you can spend as much time on my stomach or some other part of me, but if you’re not getting to it, I’m not reacting the same.

QM: And that’s what I mean by men are very physical, because at some point you have to come or the sexual experience just isn’t good for you – complete, I guess. Where, yes, women obviously want to come, but we’re conditioned to be more emotional, and so we need more time spent on other parts of us in order to build that up. Like, if you just go straight to my pussy or my boobs, then I’m bored. It all gets desensitized so quickly. I have a whole body, so use it.

MASTER J:
That’s why it’s hard, because some girls are the opposite. If you spend too much time, then they’re bored.

QM: I think it also depends on the mood, too. We’re speaking very generally right now, but of course, there are times where I’m just like, “Fuck me! Don’t do anything else, just fuck me.” But there are so many factors involved, and I truly believe that foreplay starts outside of the bedroom, and many women don’t necessarily experience that. Perhaps that’s the difference, too.

MASTER J:
It’s very different.

QM: I think sex is so great for that. It’s a rollercoaster.

END

Until next time,

Fuck-well, my friends

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