Content warning: this article describes plays of violence (i.e., domination), and may be triggering to some people. Reader discretion is advised.
I realize the name of this article sounds like an episode of The Big Bang Theory, but I assure you its lack of science is made up in surprise, inquiry, and exploration. Amongst other things, it is the first inch in miles of self and relational discovery.
When I spoke those words to James – “I want to watch you fuck another woman” – the relationship we thought we had ended. If you haven’t read Confession of a Quean, I encourage you to do so now.
When I slid that seemingly out-of-the-blue, hand-written monologue across the table, James saw no confession or personal message encrypted within its nearly illegible text. Instead, he saw the words of a seductive writer he knew so well. What he wondered, however, was perhaps what inspired it.
Then those words came.
My blatant and unexpected admission.
“I want to watch you fuck another woman.”
Surprise was the dominant emotion, especially because he, more than anyone, knew how deeply jealous I’ve been before. I recall one drunken evening becoming absolutely hysterical (tears, snot, threats of returning to my parents’ house after a year of James and I living together) because I had convinced myself he was watching another woman. Not touching her, not speaking to her, but watching her. Turns out, he was watching her, but not for the reasons I’d had in mind. She, too, was a drunken mess that night, and when she entered the bar, she made such a commotion, every person was watching her. Myself included.
So, naturally, after witnessing that raging green monster, he had numerous questions. First and foremost, he wanted to know what I meant by “watching him fuck another woman.” James is a thorough human. He likes what he likes, but also requires the entire picture. So, I explained:
“You’re a dominant. I want to watch you dominate another woman. I want to be “forced” to see you fucking her while she submits to you.”
“And what would you be doing?” He inquired.
“I imagine myself strapped to a chair, incapable of moving, as you speak to both her and I. Coming and teasing me, occasionally. Calling her names as you fuck her, while telling me that if I don’t watch, I’ll be punished.”
I don’t think there’s a way to describe the look that was on James’ face as these words poured out of me. Even if the realization of this fantasy was new, it burned inside of me. It boiled to the surface and nothing in my power (or desire) could repress it. I wanted him to know as much as I knew, even if it wasn’t a lot. He is my best friend, my lover, and my confession was the thing that would tear us apart or pull us together…but keeping it in would have surely destroyed me.
We spoke for over an hour about this fantasy, not knowing its name in that moment. The next several weeks bloomed into something magical before it slammed shut. Expressing this desire to him opened me up sexually. Suddenly I had impenetrable confidence. I was having orgasms in ways I’d never experienced before. My mind was free. My body was smoldering. He could see it, feel it, taste it, yet he was uncertain how long it would last.
Was this fantasy just that: something that would live in my mind, and never come to fruition? And if it did, what would that look like? How would we pursue it?
I wouldn’t learn for several months that this fantasy, although thrilling, was accompanied by incomprehensible stress. J’s ultimate fantasy – which he’d told me at the beginning of our relationship – was to play as the Dominant to two women. He accepted a long time ago it was an unfulfillable fantasy. Well, surprise, surprise! I opened the door right up. In fact, I ripped it from its hinges.
Fear the Bomb
After my confession, he went into himself. Reflected. He contemplated things us women aren’t conditionedto believe men ask themselves: is this what I really want? If so, how well would I perform?
As women, we don’t face the fear of not getting an erection, per se. Of course, we have a whole other set of insecurities, but this particular one just never occurred to me. I know my Dom both inside and outside of the bedroom. He is a self-assured male. I guess I never took into consideration that when you add a penis (specifically a Dominant-leaning penis) into the mix of two submissives, that said penis becomes a ticking time bomb. Once detonated, it may shut down the entire scene. James’ fear of underperforming and disappointing not just one, but two women, became very real.
When I learned of these fears, I knew that it was time to turn the conversation. All the focus had been on my needs, and his mental processing had been set aside. So, I asked, “If this were to ever play out, what is your ideal situation?”
Here is the unexhausted list I received:
- Have a physical and mental connection with the woman, with a priority on mental.
- Find an enthusiastically consenting woman who is into the “game” (domination/submission, the play of me being “forced” to watch him fuck her).
- James needs to see that I am turned on by the woman and the situation. For him I am the element that determines the success of the fantasy. If I’m not happy, no one’s happy.
Once we had this conversation, James understood how serious I was about finding our perfect playmate. He found the authorization he needed to begin fantasizing.
Boundary of Love
During his own exploration, he learned that there must be an element of domination, otherwise it absolutely won’t work for him. He doesn’t like the idea of bringing another woman in for “love making.” We understand the need for “aftercare” for ourselves and, of course, anyone else we bring in; however, there’s a certain emotional boundary when it comes to James’ love for me that he is unwilling to cross with another person. Learning this was an important piece of the process.
In conclusion to my confession, James had no negative feelings towards me. In fact, he told me on numerous occasions how “loved” he felt, for this fantasy showed him how deeply connected we are, and how much trust I see flowing between us.
For James and me, bringing someone else in is a sign that our relationship is unbreakable. We can allow ourselves to explore different realms and levels of intimacy with or without others because we know sex will never diminish our love.
Until next time,
Fuck well, friends!
Quean Mo xx
So, tell me, was there ever a moment in you sexual or romantic life that someone requested something from you, and you weren’t sure you could/wanted to fulfill it? Comment below or contact me here.