When I spoke those words, “I want to watch you fuck another woman,” the relationship we thought we had ended as we knew it. If you haven’t read, Confession of the Cuck, I encourage you to do so now, for the short piece of writing I’m about to refer to is embedded in that post.
When I slid that seemingly out-of-the-blue, hand-written monologue across the table, Master J saw no confession or personal message encrypted within its nearly illegible text. Instead, he saw the words of a seductive writer he knew so well. What he wondered, however, was perhaps what sparked it. Why I, someone who is, without fail, ill on planes, was incapable of sleeping because of this idea I had just (fearfully) documented on paper.
Then those words came.
My blatant and unexpected admission.
“I want to watch you fuck another woman.”
Surprise was the dominant emotion, especially because he, more than anyone, knew how deeply jealousy riddled my past. I recall one drunken evening becoming absolutely hysterical (tears, snot, threats of going “home,” back to my parents house – even if Master J and I had lived together for nearly a year at that point), because I had convinced myself he was watching another woman. Not touching her, not speaking to her, but watching her. Turns out, he was watching her, but not for the reasons I’d had in mind. She, too, was a drunken mess that night, and when she entered the bar, she made such a commotion, every person was watching her. Myself included.
So, naturally, a man having dealt with the raging green monster inside of me, he had numerous questions. First and foremost, he wanted to know what I meant by “watching him fuck another woman.” Master J is a very thorough and specific human. He likes what he likes, but also, needs all the details to understand the entire picture. So, I explained:
You’re a dominant. I want to watch you dominate another woman. I want to be “forced” to see you fucking her while she is tied up.
And what would you be doing?
I imagine myself strapped to a chair, incapable of moving, as you speak to both her and I. Coming and teasing me, occasionally. Calling her names as you fuck her, while telling me that if I don’t watch, I’ll be punished.
I don’t think there’s a way to describe the look that was on Master J’s face as these words poured out of me. Even if the realization of this fantasy was new, it burned inside of me. It boiled to the surface and nothing in my power (or desire) could repress it. I wanted him to know as much as I knew, even if at that moment it wasn’t much. He is my best friend, my lover, my savior, and my confession was the thing that would tear us apart or pull us together…but keeping it in would have surely destroyed me.
We spoke for over an hour about this fantasy, not knowing its name in that moment. The next several weeks bloomed into something magical before it slammed shut (I’ll speak about that in my next post). Expressing this desire to him opened me up sexually. Suddenly I had impenetrable confidence. I was having orgasms in ways I’d never experienced before. My mind was free. My body was smoldering. He could see it, feel it, taste it, yet he was uncertain how long it would last. Was this fantasy just that: something that would live in my mind, and never come to fruition? And if it did, what would that look like? How would we pursue it?
I wouldn’t learn for several months that this fantasy, although thrilling, was accompanied by incomprehensible stress. Master J’s ultimate fantasy – which he’d told me at the beginning of our relationship – was to dominate two women. I had basically just opened the door to the opportunity, but he had accepted a long time ago that it would never be realized, and he had been quite fine with that. Some fantasies are not meant to be fulfilled, right?
At least not this one. So, after my confession, he went into himself. Reflected. Asked the questions that us women don’t believe men would ask themselves: is this what I really want? And if so, how well would I perform?
As women, we don’t face the fear of not getting an erection. Of course, we have a whole other set of issues, but this particular one just never occurred to me. I know my Master, both inside and outside of the bedroom. He is one self-assured male. I guess I had never taken into consideration that when you add a man (specifically a dominant) into the mix of two women (specifically submissives), he is now the bomb that, once detonated, ends the entire charade. When I learned of these fears, I knew that it was time to turn the conversation. All of the focus had been on me, my needs and specifics of this fantasy, that his mental processing had been neglected. So, I asked, “if this were to ever play out, what is your ideal woman and situation?”
Here is the unexhausted list I received:
1)Have to have a connection with the woman (good energy, physical and mental attraction – even if the mental attraction outweighs the physical)
2)A woman who is into the “game” (domination/submission, the play of me being “forced” to watch him fuck her)
3)Master J needs to see that I (Quean Mo) am turned on by the woman and the situation. For him I am the element that determines the success of the fantasy (if I’m not happy, no one’s happy)
Once we had this conversation, and Master J understood how serious I was about (one day) finding our perfect playmate, he found the authorization he needed in order to actually begin imagining himself within this fantasy. You have to understand something about my Master: the second he feels as if he’s pushing a boundary – even if it’s in his own head – he is riddled with guilt. The idea of him thinking of another woman, knowing it would break my heart, well, breaks his heart.
During his own exploration, he learned that there has to be an element of domination, otherwise it absolutely won’t work for him. He doesn’t like the idea of bringing another woman in for “love making.” To be honest, we aren’t a couple who truly “makes love” anyway. We fuck. That’s just how we are. But, in saying that, of course there is level of tenderness between us, and it is this tenderness that he doesn’t want to experience with another human. We understand the need for “aftercare,” for ourselves and, of course, anyone else we bring in. But for Master J, the “love” stays between us. Learning this was an important piece of the process for me.
In conclusion to my confession, Master J had no negative feelings towards me. In fact, he told me on numerous occasions how “loved” he felt, for this fantasy showed him how deeply connected we are, and how much trust I see flowing between us in this relationship. I always said that the worst thing a couple can do is live these types of fantasies as a means of “spicing up” their relationship or as an attempt to fix something that is broken. For Master J and I, bringing someone else in is a sign that our relationship is unbreakable. We can allow ourselves to explore different realms and levels of intimacy with and without others because we know sex will never diminish our love.
Remember: sex and love are two very different things.
I also learned that, although Master J is not “turned on” by the idea, if one day I ever have the fantasy of two men, he would be open to it. That, too, is an important part of this relationship, as well as healthy sexual exploration with one another: there are no double standards. It doesn’t mean it will ever happen, as I (presently) have no interest; however, it’s nice to know the offer’s on the table.
Until next time,
Fuck-well, my friends!