QM: So, your ideal night with women, without having sex, would be sitting with them and going through all of their sexual fantasies. Just talking.
MASTER J: Oh ya.
QM: Would you be sitting there like, “Oh, I have to go get off”? Would it turn you on?
MASTER J: It wouldn’t turn me on sexually, it just turns my brain on…sparks my interest. You know what I mean?
QM: Yes. You’re curious.
MASTER J: Very curious. I remember when I was in Greece, I was playing Questions de Merde (the French version of Shitty Questions), and there are 50 sex questions. I remember I was playing with this woman, and she told me, “I never told anyone, but I have a rape fantasy, but obviously I don’t want to be raped, but it’s a serious fantasy.” Later on, when we went back to her room to have sex, I put her hand behind her back while she was lying on her stomach, and I think I spanked her a little bit. She told me to go harder. She was like, “do it, take me…” For her it was borderline fulfillment of that fantasy. She knew that I knew, so she was giving me the permission to do it. In the opposite way, of course, you have women who can’t even believe that women have rape fantasies. And that’s fine!
QM: It’s interesting. I don’t know what shapes that kind of sexuality, because I know for me, I think for a little while I was worried. I was trying to explore what elements of rape fantasies turn me on, and I was feeling guilty about it. I would think, oh it’s because of society, because women have been objectified for ages. You see rape in movies, and as a woman your body reacts, and you can’t understand why watching a woman being raped on screen is causing this physiological reaction. You’re disturbed and also kind of turned on, and it’s fucked up! It feels almost like a brainwashing, and you hate yourself for it. But then I look back at my childhood, and I remember at 3 or 4 years old – when I had never been exposed to anything like that, never experienced any sexual trauma, I didn’t know rape was a thing, abuse wasn’t a part of my life, thankfully – and I had a fantasy that I was strapped to a conveyer belt and was being touched by monsters. I was masturbating to this at 3 or 4 years old. There has to be pieces of our sexuality that are innate, animalistic – to some extent, we’re born with it. Of course, there are external influences such as society, culture, religion, but deep down you want what you want. And I think it’s sad that people have to feel shame about things that, when done consensually and safely, provide pleasure and fulfillment.
MASTER J: Oh ya! Well, I had a roommate who told me that when she was about 4 years old, she was touching herself to an image in her head. This image was her having been kidnapped, tied up in a cave, and a man was touching her everywhere. She was having orgasms.
QM: Oh ya, I understand. I was having full orgasms! I was humping everything. My parents took me to the doctor because I was doing it all over the place, all the time. They were genuinely concerned. Thank the universe I had a good doctor because he told my mom not to worry, that it’s normal for some children (one of his daughters included), and I’d eventually grow out of it. I, of course, never grew out of it; I just got more private about it. I understood I couldn’t do it on the arm of the couch next to my brother as he sits and plays video games [Laughter]. That poor guy. I hope he doesn’t remember it. But tell me, because I’m sure it’s the same for young boys. Obviously when you’re younger, if you touch yourself, you can’t ejaculate-
MASTER J: Right. You can still have an orgasm, but nothing comes out.
QM: Okay, so it still feels like a normal climax?
MASTER J: Yes. Which is why for boys who develop semen late, they can “come” 14 times in a row, because nothing comes out.
QM: So, it’s probably a different feeling then?
MASTER J: Honestly, I’m sure it is. I truly can’t remember. But once something comes out, you have a buffer time before you can do it again.
QM: So, in English we call that “shooting blanks,” when you’re orgasming but nothing is coming out. I’m not sure if that’s an offensive term – so I apologize. So, my question is, as a young boy “shooting blanks” you can literally have back-to-back orgasms like girls or women?
MASTER J: Yea.
QM: But once you ejaculate, you need rest?
MASTER J: You go down and you have to come back up again. Some men can take two minutes! The younger you are the less time it takes. I’m sure some men don’t even truly go down before they’re ready again.
QM: I think I’ve experienced that with one person.
MASTER J: I think it’s hard, because when it comes to that, even when I was younger, the only time I could “bounce back” quickly is when the woman was truly active in the sex.
QM: You mean women who weren’t just lying there waiting for it?
MASTER J: Exactly. The very first time it happened was with the married woman. I remember the first night we had sex we did it four times. She was so horny and violent regarding herself. Like right after she’d just start going down on me, and say things like, “I don’t care if you take time, I want you to fuck my mouth.”
QM: Which helps, because she was also fulfilling your dom/sub fantasy.
MASTER J: Yes, that helped.
QM: Do you think “recovery time”, for a lack of a better term, also depends on how physical you are? For example, if you’re fucking to the point of sweating, your hearts pounding, and when you come, the orgasm is explosive, would that take you longer to come back from compared to if you were going slow?
MASTER J: For me, I think it only depends on what’s happening next, not what’s happening before. Meaning, no matter the way I come, it all depends on how I get hard again. Like I said, the married woman went straight for my cock, but also talked to me in a way that turned me on, so I didn’t take long to get hard again.
QM: I don’t think I’ve ever done that.
MASTER J: Done what?
QM: We haven’t had many second rounds.
MASTER J: Ya but that’s because your first orgasm is always the strongest.
QM: It’s the only one! [Laughter]
MASTER J: That’s not true, you can come more, but they get weaker for you.
QM: Ya, for the record, you can obviously give me more than one orgasm – that isn’t the problem – I just don’t enjoy the second or third or fourth orgasms nearly as much. God, I’m built like a man when it comes to that!
MASTER J: Ya, but my old roommate was the same. She literally said to me, “I don’t understand why women have more than one orgasm, it just isn’t as good after the first.”
QM: Ya, it’s almost frustrating.
MASTER J: I think the married woman was just so horny because she wasn’t having sex with her husband, let alone this kind of sex, that the very first time we had sex I brought her to orgasm with my cock, and that was something that was rare for her. From there she just wanted it again and again. You have to understand though that she was with her husband
for seven years, having never cheated on him up until that point, and the sex – at least from what she told me – was rare and bland. Her man wasn’t listening to what she needed.
QM: So all of a sudden she has this young thang, and she’s like..
MASTER J: Ya, I was 24 and I’d never had that kind of sex either…
QM: What was the age difference? I’m not sure if you already mentioned that.
MASTER J: Only 3 years.
QM: Right. In case anyone was wondering if you were with a Mrs. Robinson. [Laughter]
MASTER J: No, it was really only three years. But I think she found something she couldn’t believe [regarding sex]. She wasn’t even speaking with her husband in bed. Her husband never called her names! When with me she was calling both of us names – herself included. She’d been dying for that for seven years. So, when it happens one night, you just don’t want it to stop. And like I said, I was 24, that makes a difference physically.
QM: Do you feel a difference from then to now, now that you’re in your early 30s?
MASTER J: Ya, ya, ya.
QM: But I don’t think the quality of sex worsens–
MASTER J: No, it isn’t about the quality of sex.
QM: It can almost get better if you’re true to yourself and your partner.
MASTER J: I think the difference was also the situation. I remember when she came to visit me the first time, I wasn’t working the following day, you know? We had sex. The first time was at 10PM and the last time was around 5AM. So, it wasn’t four times in two hours. The very last time we had sex that day, we had a little bit of sleep in between. It was four times in seven hours. The horniness of the woman makes a difference. When I was in Brazil, the woman there literally woke me up by going down on me. I woke up and was like, “what’s going on?” And she was like, “I want you again.” At some point when a woman sucks you in the middle of the night just because she wants you, you react to that. There were moments where she just wanted to go down on me. She liked mouth play. I would ask her if she wanted to have sex, and she’d be like, “No, I want to suck you.”
QM: So, you were shocked?
MASTER J: I mean ya, but it’s more like, where is her pleasure? Was it a play? Was she just trying to impress me?
QM: No, I mean, I guess men – ugh, I hate the general thing…so, for you, if you were to start pleasing me, at some point your body is going to react. Unless you are really tired, but in general, even if you’re brain is like, “I want to please her,” eventually your body reacts and therefore you want to push it further.
MASTER J: Who are you speaking about?
QM: Okay, for example: I’m lying here, you’re lying here, and I decide to go down on you. For a woman I’m not saying we don’t react sexually to that, let’s be real, it’s a sexual act. I guess, maybe the physical reaction isn’t as apparent or strong, necessarily. I can very easily disconnect my brain from my body during moments like that, which can be both useful and frustrating. So, if I go own on you, I’m not necessarily going further than that in my head, where for you, naturally your penis would – or could more likely – become erect, because men are much more physically present in that sense.
MASTER J: It’s not sure though, because, of course, there are moments you truly just want to please the girl. For me though, waking up at 3AM to please someone, I’m just like…I can’t.
QM: Ya, I’m surprised you even accepted the blowjob. [Laughter]
MASTER J: I mean, I think it’s great it happened to me, but to do it…?
QM: Ya, but you’ve touched me in the middle of the night…so many times.
MASTER J: Ya, I think my problem is that I’m always afraid I’m disturbing you more than pleasing you.
QM: You know what though? For me, the times you that I’ve woken up to you touching me I’ve found it so much easier to come, as well the orgasm is so strong. I think that it happens for a couple of reasons. The first being that I’m literally waking to you pleasing me, so my brain has zero time to turn on and think of anything BUT that. Which is amazing, and rare – because my brain is a difficult thing to stop. And secondly, it’s like a mild rape fantasy. I’m being “violated” in my sleep.
MASTER J: Okay. Ya. I think I’m just always worried you’ll be like, “what the fuck is he doing, it’s 3AM, I wish he’d stop touching me.”
QM: No, I mean…what’s the worst that I would do? Just tell you I’m too tired.
MASTER J: Ya, but maybe I don’t want to hear that. I’ve been afraid of that a lot in my life, in general, that I just bother the woman more than anything if I wake her.
QM: It’s sad. I mean I would understand that more if you weren’t in a secure, three-year relationship, whereby we’re going to get married in August. At some point rejection is a part of the relationship, too. I’m not talking about damaging rejection, where one partner is like “don’t fucking touch me!” Sometimes you just don’t want it, and the opposite partner needs to understand that it isn’t personal. If you don’t want sex, I look at it like it’s something about you. I expect that if I don’t want sex, you understand that it has nothing to do with you, either, it’s about me.
MASTER J: Ya, I get it. I’m not too much of a midnight guy. My body doesn’t react very well. But taking the Brazil example, I was on holiday. It’s more sexually appealing I guess, and you have a new girl, you know?
QM: Less stuff on the mind. It’s all new.
MASTER J: Ya. So, I’m definitely not a middle of the night kind of man, and I’m not a morning man. [Laughter]
QM: Ya, so afternoon and evening [Laughter]. Ya, but I know that. I’m not a morning person either, unless I’m woken up to it. Then it could work.
MASTER J: Ya.
QM: Okay, I’m going to ask you one thing, then we can turn this off and eat.
MASTER J: You’re hungry? [Laughter]
QM: Ya, I’m hungry [Silence]. Okay, as a dominant, what do you want woman to know, as a submissive, and what would you want dominant men to know? A piece of advice…
MASTER J: It’s exactly the book I read, which I told you about. It’s called Defense of Masochism by Anita Philipps. I read this when I was in university. The main thing she said is, in a BDSM relationship – specifically a dom/sub relationship – there are two things that are connected, two branches: humiliation and pain. My first advice to women who want to be submissive or men who want to be dominant, or the opposite, is to understand what turns you on the most – but even more so, what turns the submissive on the most. Because some people truly like pain; the pain is a turn on. Then you have some people who like the idea of pain.
QM: Like me.
MASTER J: Like you. Because if you specifically start with the pain, you won’t get turned on. But a past sex partner of mine, she really liked pain.
QM: So you could start with pain with this woman, and it would get her going?
MASTER J: Yes. I could tie her up to something right away and spank her, and the spanking was making her wet. Or twisting her nipples. This kind of thing, without kissing or other touching,
the pain was there at the very beginning. Some women like the idea of pain, so you can speak about it, but you have to start with other kinds of sensation. I’m sure men are the same in both respects. But then you have the humiliation. You have women who just love being called names, or told what to do. For example, being told to crawl from one side of the room to the other. But pain isn’t necessarily apart of it.
QM: Then you have women that you don’t dare call them a name!
MASTER J: 100%. The woman I was speaking about who loves pain, at no moment did I call her a name in our entire sexual relationship because she wasn’t ready for it. We never reached the point where she was ready for it, because I met you before.
QM: Sorry to her.
MASTER J: But the idea of being called a whore or slut wasn’t part of her sexuality. I think submissives, in general, like a bit of both, but they definitely prefer one over the other. I think that’s the first, most important advice I would give to people who are curious or starting out. Figure out where you are on the spectrum of each.
QM: And if you’re the dominant, figure out what the submissive wants before you go into bed with them?
MASTER J: Oh ya, you can’t do it! You have to check, you need to know. Women are so different and have different sensitivity levels on different parts of their bodies, so you have to know your partner. You have to respect your partners boundaries/limits. I say women, but men too. No matter who the dominant or submissive is, there has to be a conversation first. I think that’s just sex in general though, regardless of the kind of sexuality you have. It’s a given.
QM: The girl from Australia, you dominated her; she understood that you were in “control.”
MASTER J: Yes, she knew I was taking care of everything, and I would do what “I want,” even if I made sure she had two or more orgasms.
QM: Okay, I’m going to use the term “formal domination” meaning both parties know and use the terms sub/dom for the encounter.
MASTER J: Okay.
QM: Say you’re doing a “formal domination.” You do something and you respond with “oh, I’m sorry!” (Because I know it’s happened with us), does that cut the energy or ambience for you?
MASTER J: No.
QM: So, a sudden apology doesn’t kill the mood?
MASTER J: No because the pleasure is the number one thing. So, as long as that’s still there, then you can continue. I think the hardest part is to make sure the woman is taking what I’m doing to her, and even if she doesn’t truly love it, she’s taking pleasure from it. For example, if I fuck someone’s mouth, it isn’t a true pleasure – meaning there is no nerves in her mouth that will react the way, say, the clit does – but if she enjoys it, great. The woman needs to find something that makes sense for her, otherwise I feel it and it just won’t work. But no, saying “I’m sorry” because you made a mistake, or you go to whip the ass, and the whip accidentally hits a more sensitive part – like the pussy – you stop and make sure the person is okay, and if so, you continue if both parties are willing.
QM: At some point you’re still human, and it’s sex.
MASTER J: Exactly. We’re all human.
QM: So, would you consider yourself a “soft” dominant?
MASTER J: Yes and no.
QM: I just feel like there is so much caring from your side–
MASTER J: Yes, maybe in that sense, I am soft.
QM: But I guess when you’re in the “Master” headspace, you can go pretty far.
MASTER J: Well, if you don’t tell me to stop, and I sense you are enjoying it, I go where I want to go. I can take the example of my previous sex partner, where I tied her to a chair. She was completely naked and I would spank her ass. I’d make her count to a certain number of spanks, and when she reached it, I would fuck her mouth.
QM: Oh ya, we’ve done that too.
MASTER J: Ya, but that was the first time I did that. The thing is, she never told me to stop, but I would stop spanking when I sensed she was on edge, but then I’d fuck her mouth. So, maybe I could be considered a “soft” dominant because I stop before I’m told to stop.
QM: We’re going back to you feeling the body.
Master J: She told me that she almost said stop, but right before she did, I’d move to her mouth.
QM: Yes, you are super in tune.
MASTER J: I think that’s the job of the dominant, as a man or as a woman.
QM: Ya, you have to be able to read the person’s body, because if at some point something goes wrong–
MASTER J: Well also, you want to keep having sex with the person. You want to keep enjoying the experience.
QM: True. And as a submissive, you’re really putting yourself in a vulnerable place; you are putting quite a bit of trust in the person–
MASTER J: Yes, there’s a lot of trust.
QM: Right, and the worst thing would be to walk out of that feeling like you’ve been completely violated, when you were supposed to enjoy it. Even if the person truly didn’t intend for you to feel that way.
MASTER J: I think that’s the one thing you have to tell yourself as a sub or a dom; the number one word is that: trust. If you aren’t 100% sure that the person isn’t there for what you want, don’t engage. Because maybe as a submissive woman you don’t want to reach orgasm, even there you need to trust the person to respect that request.
QM: So, for people that you’ve dominated that you haven’t been in an exclusive, committed relationship with–
MASTER J: Which is everybody except you. [Laughter]
QM: Right. And I mean truly dominated…after the sex was over, what did you do? I know for me, if I’m dominated by a man who I’m not in a relationship with, and they just leave after, I’m not sure how I’d feel. Perhaps some women (or men) are into that, maybe they want to feel used. Have you always cuddled after? You know, participated in aftercare?
MASTER J: Yes. I always had that, I always made sure there was enough tenderness afterwards that none of us felt violated or guilty. Even as a dominant it can be hard. You have to accept the fact that you are using the person in a way.
QM: You kind of use each other. I think in consensual sex both parties are always using each other in some way. The thing is about how you use each other.
MASTER J: Ya. I remember once… I remember I had gone to see an improv show with my previous sex partner, and she asked if I would come back to her place. I said I could, but I won’t be able to stay. I didn’t end up going back to her place because even if she wanted sex, she didn’t like the idea of me fucking her and then leaving.
QM: Good for her for knowing that, and expressing it, because I think a lot of people are too afraid to go there.
MASTER J: She was 35 at the time, so she had her experience, she knew herself.
QM: She honored herself. It’s great. One thing kind of on the topic..Do you remember the moment I felt bad after being dominated?
MASTER J: Ya, we spoke about it.
Pt. IV: Guilt, Shame, Embracement will be published ne
xt Thursday. In the meantime, check out Master J’s Collar Club Member of the Month profile, under the Collar Club tab at the top of the page. Interested in being featured? Complete the accompanying form.
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Until next time,
Fuck-well, my friends