After all was said and done – you know, the realization, confession, and contemplation of my cuckquean fantasy – the initial excitement (and tornado-sex) calmed down. From there, love reared its ugly head.
James has much more experience in the BDSM world than I do, be it through sexual exploration or his own research. In fact, he was the one who discovered the term cuckquean, which I hesitated adopting at first. Why? Let me share.
We went from Porto, Portugal to Rennes, France to visit a friend. From Rennes, we went to Dijon, France, to stay with J’s parents. Portugal and Rennes were explosive regarding sex and conversation; however, Dijon opened a whole can of worms.
Whose Fantasy is it, Anyway?
It seemed every second James and I were alone, all we spoke about was the fantasy. He surfed the net almost every night to find articles on women who had fulfilled theirs. He looked for sex events in the area. He created a profile on FetLife. We even created accounts for online dating apps, specific to this kind of lifestyle.
Every time I was tucking myself into bed, he would bombard me with questions, most of which I didn’t have answers to. With every new development, and with every new question, he reinforced this strengthening belief that J just wanted to fuck another woman; and I, his naïve fiancée, just opened that door for him.
My mind slowly went from excited and curious to closed and judgmental. For me, being a cuckquean suddenly meant being manipulated into letting the man I love sleep with someone other than me. Remember that green monster that came to visit me in the past? Ya, well she was back full force. I handed her the invitation. Hell, I gave her a ride into the relationship.
It felt like he was so preoccupied with this fantasy that he’d forgotten about me. “Can we stop speaking about it for one god-damn second?” I’d ask repeatedly, and he would blush in embarrassment.
He had a right to know things. He had a right to ask questions and explore his own curiosity, his own feelings on the matter. No?
No! Because if he did that meant…that meant…he’d never just want ME again?
Past Coming Back to Haunt Me
Suddenly I placed the love of my life in the same category as every other man on the planet, stereotyping them all. Comparing the love of my life to the people from my past; the ones who only sought their own pleasure. The ones who wouldn’t dare turn down the opportunity to sleep with more than one woman, because, if they did, it would make them “less of a man.” You know the type?
Why was it so difficult for me to grapple that maybe, just maybe, I had found the perfect person to share this fantasy with? Truth is, I’ve never experienced a love like ours. Still, I began losing myself in the spiraling memories of my past. This stage uncovered my inner-ugly:
I have to be the prettiest…
I have to be the smartest…
I have to be the sexiest…
I have to be the best…
I have to be the only. One. He. Wants
All the feelings I had before Portugal came bubbling to the surface. The more they sank in, the more insecure I felt about the fantasy. When it finally came to a head, after far too many sexless nights, I blew up:
I feel like I just opened a door that I can never close. I feel like I just gave you something you want, and I may take it away. I can’t promise that this will ever happen, and I don’t want you to hate me for it! I don’t want to hate YOU for it. I want to let it go.
His Saving Words
If we never have sex with another woman, I will die a happy man. You are all I want, and the thing you don’t understand, truly – what I’ve been trying to tell you this entire time – is you are the main ingredient. What turned me on about the fantasy is the simple fact that it turned you on. Without that, it doesn’t work. It never will, never could. You are the centre for me. Your pleasure is my pleasure. If this never happens, it’s okay. I love you, and I didn’t go into this relationship thinking one day we’d bring someone else in. I went into this relationship completely happy and believing that it would just be the two of us. I proposed to you long before you even realized this fantasy. What does that tell you? I wasn’t messing around when I gave you that ring. So, please, you do what you need to do to figure out what you truly need, want, whatever, and I’ll be here waiting and happy to talk about it when you’re ready; regardless of what you decide. I love you, and that will never change.
Back Down to Earth
The moments following this were explosive, beautiful, and relieving.
Even if everything else changed, his love never would. Our bonds are too strong, our love too deep, our trust, honesty, and communication too tight. Nothing could break in and destroy us.
James and I have since recognized that there were moments he did push too far. It was my fantasy, and I needed my own time to grow comfortable. He has apologized profusely for his overstepping. He is a goal-oriented human. A planner. A pleaser. And he loves me profoundly. I can now look back and appreciate him and his effort, but also his ability to give me the space I needed after the fact.
Space and Acceptance
I understand the process now. Just with any great change in life, people need their buffer time, to weigh the options. I see now that this is who I am at the core. I live, breathe, and think sex. I need it, want it, wonder about it, believe in it, geek out on it. For me, it isn’t just for the two of us to share alone for the rest of our lives. For me, sex is just another thing to explore. Like traveling or language learning, I want to see, feel, taste and touch all that I can before I die – why not do it with a little bit of pleasure?
And I want him by my side all the way down. My lover, my friend, my Dom.
Until next time,
Fuck well, friends.
Quean Mo xx
So, tell me, what terrifying conversation actually made a relationship stronger for you? Be it with a friend, a lover, a family member…? Comment below or contact me here.