RAF – Date with a Dom, Pt. IV (The Finale): Shame to Acceptance


QM: I think for the sake of this article, we should talk about it. I know earlier you said that, at the beginning, there was shame for you. You were my first true dominant. I may have had moments where I felt like, ya, he’s dominating me, but I never had a good feeling in those moments, so I’d either stop the sex or I just wouldn’t sleep with that person again. With you, as I mentioned before, there is always so much caring, yet there were a few times – one very vivid memory – where I broke down after you dominated me.

MASTER J: Ya, and you’re not the first one. There are a lot of women who have been dominated, and feel that way. Even if its not a true domination, afterwards you feel bad about yourself; there’s some kind of shame or guilt and you don’t understand why.

QM: Well, I think there are two reasons for it. One: straight up, you’re just not doing it with the right person, or a person who doesn’t engage in aftercare – that tenderness you spoke about – which I believe is mandatory. Which happened in most sexual encounters before you. Secondly–

MASTER J: You judge yourself.

QM: You do, but I don’t think it’s a conscious thing, because the specific night I’m speaking about, I just felt weird and I wanted to cry, and you had been spanking me, slapping my face, tied me up, and I loved it. At no moment during was I wanting it to stop, in fact, I wanted more. But then after…it’s like you hit this high and suddenly you come crashing down, and think, “what the fuck is wrong with me?”

MASTER J: Exactly, it’s like, “why do I want that? How do I like that?”

QM: Ya, and you almost judge the other person, like, “well, how could he do that to me?” But then you tell yourself, “you asked for it!” It’s a vicious and stupid cycle.

MASTER J: And at that point, you need to simply accept it, accept how you feel and what happened. You need to you allow yourself to think, “okay, I feel weird now, but is it what I wanted? Yes. Did I have a good time? Yes.”

QM: Yes, you have to have a conversation with yourself, and the other person, too. I think that’s probably what I’d say to friends if they confided in me, telling me they want to try submission and domination. I’d say communicate before and communicate after. You have to leave those doors open, without the fear of shame or worry. For me that’s huge. Maybe that’s why my sexual experiences before weren’t what they should have been or could have been, and it’s not the man’s fault in a lot of the cases, and it’s not my fault…like there’s no blame, we just never spoke.

MASTER J: It’s true. You have to speak after, and you have to allow yourself to speak after. You can’t feel shame about it. I’m going to take the married woman for example. One day she had a meeting very close to where I worked. She literally stopped for five minutes, gave me a blowjob and left. She was texting me before about how she was going to be my “whore” that I didn’t even have to pay, and so on. It was a play. She was the one who asked for it, she told me she wanted it. It completely came from her, yet not even five minutes after she left, I received a phone call. She was like “I feel so bad, I don’t know what’s happening. I feel like you used me, even though I asked for it.” So I told her that I really appreciated her, and we didn’t have to have that kind of relationship; that everything we say to each other during is fake, it’s a play and I have never thought of her as a whore or a slut. She felt so much better after that, and of course, we continued having that kind of sex.

QM: And after she spoke to you she probably felt so relieved and thought it was worth it.

MASTER J: Yes, and I had a lot of shame with her when we first started speaking and having sex. I broke it off with her because of this shame. I had convinced myself she was crazy, and that that kind of sex wasn’t normal. Neither of us were crazy. We were just being true to ourselves. She, of course, left when I told her I wanted to end it, but she came back 45 minutes later and wouldn’t accept it because she believed we needed to go further. And once again, she came back to give me a blowjob. That was something she truly enjoyed, and I think it’s because her husband wasn’t allowing it. But the shame isn’t just for the submissive, it’s for the dominant. You wonder, “why do I want to hurt someone so bad? Why do I take pleasure in seeing tears; why when I bruise her ass or gag  her, it’s such a good feeling…?”

QM: Where do you think this shame comes from? Do you think it’s because we live in a world where sex is, first of all, super taboo? Maybe it’s different for you because you’re from France, it’s a different culture…

MASTER J: I think for a dominant, because I can’t speak for the submissive, the shame is coming from the fact that it isn’t good to give pain to someone. You don’t do that. You don’t hurt anyone. How can you take pleasure in hurting someone?

QM: Right. Especially maybe more for you because you grew up in a culture where the woman’s pleasure is so important.

MASTER J: I know, but the married woman enjoyed everything I was doing. She enjoyed it when I was giving pain; and just the idea of giving pain and loving it so much is what freaked me out.

QM: You were overwhelmed or intimidated, or something. Right. But what I mean is, when you were young you were almost brainwashed through media, and even women you spoke with, that their pleasure is the priority, and all of a sudden you want to inflict pain? And if we look at the definition of pleasure and pain, typically they don’t go together. They are the opposite in a sense, which is kind of sad and wrong. It can almost be another step. The pain is like a cherry on top of the pleasure.

MASTER J: That’s because you build up to that.

QM: Yes, speaking specifically about me, it’s like I want to feel more and feel more and feel more.

MASTER J: When a girl like my previous sex partner or the married woman, they liked the pain from the beginning. I had a woman in Punta Cana who was the same. It’s not like you go slow and you speak, they didn’t need that.

QM: I think it’s important to note for the article, that everything we are speaking about is from our experience and our perspectives; and when we speak about women and men, it’s generalized also based on what we’ve experienced, the cultures and areas we come from. Sexuality is so individual. There are things that people do or want to do that we probably can’t even imagine! Things that aren’t even in the same realm as what we are speaking about here.

MASTER J: Oh ya. There are women – well women I have been with – who I can pinch their nipples so hard that I can feel my fingertips through the other side.

QM: Oh my god, I’m hurting just thinking about it.

MASTER J: Exactly. Then there are other women that you can’t even consider it because their nipples are so sensitive, and that’s just one part!

QM: I know, we have a whole body to deal with.

MASTER J: Exactly. You can put your little finger in someone’s ass, and it hurts, while others you can put nearly your full hand in their ass, and they come like that.

QM: Ya, and that’s just speaking about women; men are the same. I’m very curious if you were to take away a

nything that puts a box around sexuality, what people would truly be doing. Would it be more open?

MASTER J: Well, you definitely have people who are following their fantasies and sexual nature. You have swingers clubs, nudist communities–

QM: Oh ya, it’s true, but those communities or lifestyles aren’t mainstream. They’re kind of hidden. You don’t know unless you’re a part of it.

MASTER J: It is, it’s very hidden. People don’t want their friends or family to know out of fear of being judged, or worse. I mean, I have maybe two friends – and I have quite a few friends – that truly know me as a dominant.

QM: That you’ve spoken to, not because you’ve had sex with them?

MASTER J: No, I’m speaking about men, about friends. There’s three actually. No one else knows. No one even knows I like handcuffs…

QM: Well, my family knows, which I’m super sorry about. That was…that was an accident.

MASTER J: Ya, I’m speaking about people that I shared it with. My brothers don’t know, my family doesn’t know. No one knows.

QM: Which is kind of sad, because I think sexual identity, regardless of what it is – so long as it’s two consenting adults, of course, and obviously have all the fundamentals for a healthy sexual relationship or encounter – most of what you are comes back to that. I think sexuality influences a lot of what we are and do. Obviously, that’s my opinion, but I truly, truly, truly believe in that.

MASTER J: Oh ya, someone who isn’t happy sexually isn’t going to be the same as someone who is fully enjoying their sex life. No matter what the sexuality is – lesbian, gay, bisexual, straight… I don’t know why, but it makes me think of the movie Les Garçon et Guillame à Table. Guillame says to his mom, “How can I be homosexual mom? Because I’m a girl? You always made me feel like I’m a girl, even if I’m a man on the outside, I’m a girl on the inside, so I’m heterosexual, because I’m a girl who likes men.” And then he reacts like, “So, I’m actually a man, but you’ve made me feel like a girl my whole life, but if I’m a man then I could actually like women?”

QM: I love that movie too, because it shows you how fucked up labels can be; how confusing they make things.

MASTER J: Not only that, truly, I think what the movie shows is the importance of the relationship with the parents. I also think it’s like 75% of a true story.

QM: True. For those who don’t know this movie, it’s about Guillame and his mother who regards him as if he’s really her daughter, and you have a father who just rejects the notion completely. You see Guillame’s  struggle for acceptance and the comparison between him and his stereotypical masculine brothers. It’s just a huge play on gender and what it means, and how insignificant labels can be, and truly, how deeply they can isolate a person.

MASTER J: But anyway, that’s why in general I think women are much more interesting than men. For example, your fantasy as a cuckquean is so interesting, because I find you have so much more to experience, to discover, with this fantasy than the opposite – which is you or me being fucked by a man. I feel like when you bring another man in the room, you can only do a certain number of things before it’s done. If you bring another woman in the room, every single woman is different; every single woman reacts so differently, that every time it will be a new experience. With men, I think you can have two or three experiences, and then Bam!, done. That’s why, even just speaking about it, gets me so excited.

QM: It’s interesting, I was listening to the Sex with Emily Podcast the other day, and she was speaking to an athlete – I believe he’s a fighter of some sort, I’d have to go back and check to be sure – but he’s in an open relationship with his girlfriend. He is always having threesomes.

MASTER J: With his girlfriend?

QM: Umm, maybe both, I’m not sure it was very clear. He will also do stuff with men. But the one thing he said about having a threesome with women is when you have a man in the threesome, they’re the bomb, and once the bomb goes off, it’s done. It’s because women can have multiple orgasms, where men can’t. He said basically that if a man wants to have a threesome with two women he needs to be prepared, and his stamina needs to be up to par, because if it isn’t, once you’re done it’s done. Unless the women want to keep going with each other, but that’s just not the point of the threesome.

MASTER J: Which again is a pressure on the man’s performance.

QM: Yes, which I get can come across as a negative thing, but it makes sense.

MASTER J: I had a friend who had a friend who had a threesome. He literally met these two girls on the beach, and went back to their room.

QM: Just like that?

MASTER J: Apparently!

QM: Those girls wanted it bad! [Laughter] Amazing.

MASTER J: Ya, and apparently he said to my friend, “I’ve never come that quick.” He said that you do 10-15 quick moves and even if you aren’t in one of the women, you just orgasm because it’s just super hot.

QM: Well, it was his first time too. It’s like he’s reverted back to losing his virginity. [Laughter].

MASTER J: Ya, and I think you can’t judge yourself as a man during your first threesome, because it’s so hot, and it takes training.

QM: Ya, and again, you need to communicate before and after. As a man, if it’s your first rodeo, the women should know, and the women should tell the men or women that it’s their first time too.

MASTER J: No matter what he had to let it go. It happened.

QM: It was also a one-night-stand. Like, if you were to speak to those girls, would they say it was an amazing experience? I don’t know. But I think with a one-night-stand you can’t have high expectations.

MASTER J: Yes and no, because when you truly speak before–

QM: Ya, but that’s what I mean, I’m talking about a one night-stand without communication.

MASTER J: Oh ya. That makes sense. But I’ve had one night stands where I’ve spoken a lot before.

QM: Ya, and not only are you finding out what each of you like, but the speaking is a turn on.

MASTER J: Exactly. After my two year relationship, I decided to never go into sex without having a conversation first. It also has to do with being a dominant though. I always find it hard when women love pain, but don’t want any part of the humiliation, or the opposite way. I need to know this before hand, rather than finding out during.

QM: Do you think that in a way pain is kind of humiliation?

MASTER J: No. If I speak about the woman from Punta Cana, she was riding me while I was hurting her breasts; she’s riding me, there’s no humiliation in that, she just loves pain to her tits. It was a true pain.

QM: Right, pain is the pleasure, and pleasure isn’t humiliation.

MASTER J: Ya, when it’s really not connected, I find it hard. The best for me is a mix. If you do a graph, where you can rate pain and humiliation from 1 to 10, I’ve never had a woman who is 10 across the board. I’ve had like 7 on humiliation and 2 on pain, or vice-versa.

QM: So, out of all the experiences you’ve had, regarding that k

ind of rating, where would you put me at my most turned on state.

MASTER J: I think you could go all the way to 10 regarding humiliation.

QM: What is a 10 regarding humiliation?

MASTER J: Doing or saying anything I tell you to; going from one spot to another in a specific stance or wearing a specific thing. But sometimes you’re very much in your head.

QM: I think the hardest for me is the talking. Which I hate about myself, because when you speak it’s so hot, but when I’m asked to speak, I’m just all up in my head. [Laughter].

MASTER J: It’s okay. And I think you could reach an 8 out of 10 regarding pain, if you’re in the mood.

QM: I guess it depends on the body parts, too.

MASTER J: I say that, but I think you are more sensitive physically then other women I’ve been with.

QM: And how do you feel about that?

MASTER J: I don’t care, I love it. I like the mix! I don’t need a 10/10, it’s not what I’m looking for.

QM: So, you don’t have a presence between pain and humiliation? Say I was a 10 across the board, is there something specific that would turn you on most?

MASTER J: I think what I like the most is the switch of the body. For example, if we’re speaking about pain, I like moving from your ass, to your tits, to your face, to your hair–

QM: The variety.

MASTER J: Ya, the variety. Which you have most of the time when you’re turned on, even if I feel like your tits are more sensitive.

QM: I think for me, regarding my tits, I get nervous.


QM: It’s about inflicting trauma which could cause problems later. My ass is fat and muscle, you know? But my breasts are, first of all, very large, and they are full of  other things that could be damaged.

MASTER J: Yes, but tits and breasts are different things.

QM: Right, okay, I’m talking about the full breast.

MASTER J: The breast, even smaller breasts, I’ve always focussed more on the tits. You pull the tits for example. The full breast is different.

QM: I’m thinking more about the spanking and grabbing of the breasts.

MASTER J: Right, because you have large breasts.

QM: Ya, I do, and there’s a lot of stuff going on in there.

MASTER J: 100% sure, that makes sense. If I really speak about “tits torture,” in my experience, the smaller the breast, the harder I could go.

QM: Which is funny, because the book I’ve been reading, statistically they said it’s the opposite.

MASTER J: It’s so hard, I really like new things.

QM: You must have loved knowing you were my first.

MASTER J: I’ve been the first dominant for most of the women I’ve been with. Obviously I wouldn’t be the last for them, and I will be for you, which is great. But ya, I like the idea of it. I prefer that over meeting an experienced submissive.

QM: Why? Does it make you feel that much more dominant?

MASTER J: No, it’s just because that means the girl doesn’t know herself much in that way, and I’m going to be the one to help her discover it.

QM: So, it’s an ego thing?

MASTER J: No, it’s excitement! It’s a performance thing, too. If I’m the only one she’s had then maybe I wouldn’t put as much pressure on myself? Which I guess is ego. [Laughter]

QM: Well, that was fun! But I think we should eat.

MASTER J: You’re hungry?

QM: Yes!

MASTER J: Okay, let’s eat.


If you enjoyed this four-part interview with Master J and want to know more about him, his practices or anyhting else that was discussed in the Date with a Dom series, contact us.

Special thanks to my Master for being the first kinkster featured in my RAF Series.

Fuck-well, my friends!

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