I’m a researcher.
Not a legitimate one. By nature, if something sparks my interest, I tend to go overboard in finding information about it. So much so that I tend not to retain anything. Information overload. The struggle is real. So, you can imagine that, once all the cards were on the table, and the messy bits had been dealt with, I delved into the world of sex, BDSM, kink, and, specifically, cuckqueaning. That is, the informational world. I learned a lot in a very short period of time. Still am learning. However, I realized that I could consume as many stories and statistics as I wanted, but nothing would ever prepare me like…well…just doing it.
So, I dove in. Not directly, of course, as finding a woman who fits our criteria, while we simultaneously fit hers, is a bit more challenging than I originally imagined.
With every new self-discovery comes another enlightening path of self-acceptance. In this case, unfortunately, there aren’t any easy 5 or 12 step programs for this kind of thing; however, I did come across some interesting ways to test how profoundly this fantasy ran.
1. I got online
I know that sounds a little obvious, but, I was awestruck by the amount of platforms there are for people, well, like me! Of course, FetLife, being the queen of the BDSM networking castle (think of facebook with a kinky twist), had already presented itself when Master J went on his own research binge. It took me a little while to warm up to this (very open) social network, because (I will warn), the moment you sign in, you are bombarded with graphic nudes of people in all different kinds of kinky positions (literally). Having been new to my fantasy (and the idea of sharing Master J) at the time, I was still battling between the thrill and the jealousy – apparently a very common struggle for people of my curiosities. So, my FetLife journey was a slow one, and I have just recently become consistently active on it.
I also found sex bloggers whom lead similar lives to that in which I am traveling towards. People like Kate Sloan (girlyjuice.com) or Ev’Yan Whitney (sexloveliberation.com) opened my mind to the world of female power within this realm (sex, feminism, bdsm, kink, polyamory, etc.). They inspired me so much that I reached out to them via email, and still do on occasion through social media. To discover such strong female presence – especially women who are so sexually free – was a major factor in what pushed me to create this blog.
And last, but not least, I created a private social media group and invited all of my lovely ladies into it. I wanted to make sex an open topic amongst those closest to me. I decided that if I was going to be sexually open with the world, I had to start by sharing my truth to the people I loved the most. These, surprisingly were some of the most difficult people to open up to. Something like being a cuckquean can be so off putting to people, as it’s not a “mainstream” sexuality, that suddenly this fear of losing people became a very near and terrifying reality. I definitely underestimated a lot of people during this time, and am beyond grateful to report that, well, I feel closer to many of my friends. In fact, by me sharing, I’ve had others share similar desires; I’ve had friends whom I haven’t spoken to in years come forward to encourage me; I’ve had friends whom I’ve had falling outs with tell me that I inspire them – bringing them back into my life. Creating a community (in this case, an all female community) has empowered me so much, and has only motivated and inspired me more to push through with the becoming of my true sexual identity! Of course, I understand this is not a task everyone feels comfortable undertaking, and for that I will say this: this is my journey, as yours is your own; therefore, you need to follow the path that feels right for you. Just promise me something: you won’t let fear stop you. Because at the end of the day, the people that matter won’t mind – in fact, they will try to turn up your light – and the people that mind, don’t matter.
2. I went to more sex clubs
So, sex clubs aren’t a new thing for me. If you ever take a trip to Toronto (Ontario, Canada), swing by the Oasis Aqua Lounge for a sexy experience. As of this moment, it is hands down the best sex club I’ve been to. Don’t worry, you’ll be hearing more about that in another article. Anyway! After realizing my cuckquean fantasy, my sex club pursuit changed. I didn’t, and still don’t, go in thinking “hm, who can we fuck tonight?” – because there are so many things to consider – but, I definitely look with new eyes. I watch women and the way they move; I watch Master J and the way he watches women move; we have conversations about certain women that we see, and we openly fantasize together. Sex clubs, which had been a potential den of jealousy for me, are now a grounds for self-exploration. Before, I was a ticking time bomb. If there was a woman who I found “threatening,” I’d dash for the door. Now? I wonder what she’d be like in bed for my Master. I don’t know the science behind it. I don’t know how my brain went from “jealous freak” mode to “please have sex with the man I love” mode, but it did. That isn’t to say it doesn’t switch back from time to time – I am a work in progress, right? And it’s also about trusting myself, and respecting myself and my feelings. The acid feeling of jealously grows more and more mild, and I’m learning to let it be part of the overarching thrill
3. I started watching porn
Okay, you have to understand something about me…
When Master J and I first started dating, I was very honest with him about my “porn belief.” Basically I thought it was the thing to end all relationships. Universe forbid he ever, and I mean ever, watch porn. This probably stems from the fact that my ex-boyfriend was masturbating to porn over having sex with me. Yes, I had a bit of a complex. Just another milestone of mine…I started watching porn. Not just watching porn, but masturbating to it. Can’t believe I wasted that many years of my life without it! I’m a super visual person, so discovering this was like…discovering moose tracks ice cream, or avocados! (I realize those are two very weird things to compare porn to…but I love ice cream and avocados – although, not together!). In fact, I was so delighted by my discovery of porn that I planned a porn date with Master J! What is a porn date, you ask? I’ll tell you all about it next Monday!
4. I went back to the strippers
Since the whole thing started with a stripper, I figured, why the hell not, right? Master J and I have been lucky enough to live and work in Tignes, France together for the winter season. It’s been magical, tiresome, mind-blowing, and just straight up fascinating, to say the least. We found a bar, called Le Twenty-Four Seven, and every Monday a stripper performs. This isn’t a titty bar. The stripper doesn’t get fully naked – at least from my experience. Most come out in lingerie, or outfits just as revealing. It’s been quite interesting, actually, because every time I’ve gone to watch, I am always the person they approach, speak to, and sometimes, asked to buy the €89 lap dance (that comes with a bottle of champagne). I’m not trying to toot my own horn here, but I know what draws them to me. One, I’m female. Usually one of the only females in the place. Two, I’m constantly smiling. When I say constantly, I mean constantly. I’m sure it’s nauseating to some p
eople. And three…I’m hot, people. Sorry, but I am. Put those three things together, and bam! Stripper magnet. The ironic part is, at this bar, it wasn’t the strippers in which we received the most attention from. If you ever visit Tignes, Le Twenty-Four Seven is by no means a swingers or sex club. It’s a pub meets club. You’ve got the lights, the music, the chandeliers and cute bartenders; but you also have sports nights, pool and foozeball tables. Anyway, one glorious evening – Master J’s birthday to be exact – my charms pulled in yet another beautiful woman, only this time she wasn’t a stripper. The owner just happened to know a couple who was visiting from out of town. This couple just happened be at Le Twenty-Four Seven the same time as us. I’ll keep the suspense for a future article, but let me tell you this: the woman? She is the first female I have ever made out with on a dance floor.
Overall, my advice to anyone who is curious about any part of their sexuality? Just go for it. Explore. There is no pressure. Your body is your body. Your desires are your desires. Your pace is your pace. Those events, clubs or parties you’ve been intrigued by for so long? Attend! That person who’s been giving you the eye, but you’re afraid your sexuality may terrify them? Speak! There’s no winning in not trying. One of the biggest mistakes I made during this time was feeling like I owed people something. When I went to a swingers bar in Dijon, France, I tried to hide myself. Why? Because I had this ludicrous idea that if people wanted to swing with Master J and I, well, I had to…since I was at a swingers bar. Which for me, internally translated into: you’re on their grounds, you do what they say! No! Never. Observing, experiencing…that’s the main part of the equation. Test your comfort zones. If you go too far, pull back, recalculate and realign. And hey, if by chance you find out that it just ain’t yo thang, I’m sure at least one good story will come out of it!
Until next time,
Fuck-well, my friends