I’m a researcher.
Not a legitimate one. By nature, if something sparks my interest, I tend to go overboard in finding information about it. Now that my fantasy was out in the open, all the cards were on the table, and the messy bits had been dealt with, I was eager to delve into the informational world of sex. I learned a lot in a very short period of time; however, no amount of knowledge can prepare someone for the real thing.
Being a cuckquean with a Dominant fiancé is a complex combination. It makes for finding a partner who fits our criteria, while simultaneously fulfilling theirs, more challenging. However, learning curves are normal and I discovered a few ways to test how deep my fantasy ran before diving in.
This is my personal four-step process to sexual self-discovery.
1. Get Online
I know that sounds a little obvious, but I was awestruck by the number of online platforms there are for people like me!
Fetlife is the queen of the BDSM networking castle – think Facebook with a kinky twist. It took time to warm up to this social network because the moment you sign in, you are bombarded with graphic images and fetishes you can’t imagine. With such a novel fantasy, I battled between thrill and jealousy – apparently a very common phenomenon for people of my curiosities. My FetLife journey was a slow one, and I have only just become active on it.
People like Kate Sloan and Ev’Yan Whitney opened my mind to the world of female power within the realm of sex, BDSM, kink, and open relationships. To witness such strong female presence in this space inspired me to dig deeper and create this blog!
Last but not least, I created a private social media group and invited friends and followers into it. I wanted to make sex an open topic amongst those closest to me. I decided that if I was going to be sexually open with the world, I had to start by sharing my truth with people I loved the most. Not surprisingly, these conversations were some of the hardest to have. Living outside of the box can be off putting to some people. The fear of losing friends became a reality. Luckily, I feel closer to most of them because of it.
By creating this space, I’ve had others share similar desires:
- I’ve had friends whom I haven’t spoken to in years come forward to encourage me!
- I’ve had friends whom I’ve had falling outs with tell me that I inspire them – bringing them back into my life!
- I’ve had friends tell me they’d also like to bring a third into their couple!
Talk about humbling!
Creating community has empowered, motivated, and inspired me to become my true sexual self! This undertaking isn’t for everyone. We each need to follow the path that feels right for us. Just don’t let fear stop you. At the end of the day, the people that matter won’t mind – in fact, they will try to turn up your light – and the people that mind, don’t matter.
2. I Went to More Sex Clubs
Sex clubs aren’t a new thing for me. If they are for you, check out my article Sex Club Prep. Recommendation: if you ever take a trip to Toronto, Ontario, swing by the Oasis Aqua Lounge, as it is hands down the best sex club I’ve been to.
After realizing my cuckquean fantasy, my sex club pursuit changed. I never go in thinking, “hmm, who can we fuck tonight?” I do, however, watch through new eyes. I notice women and the way they move; I watch James and the way he notices women; we have conversations about people we see and fantasize openly together. Sex clubs, which had been a den of jealousy for me, are now grounds for self-exploration. Before, it was Russian Roulette – we never knew how I’d feel walking in. If there was a woman who I found threatening, I’d dash for the door. Now I wonder if she’d ever consider having a drink with us.
I don’t know the science behind it. I don’t know how my brain went from jealous to curious, but it did. That isn’t to say it doesn’t switch back from time to time – I am a work in progress, after all – but it’s also about trusting myself, respecting myself and my feelings.
3. I Started Watching Porn
Okay, you have to understand something about me…
When James and I first started dating, I was very honest with him about my “porn belief.” Basically I thought it was the thing to end all relationships. Universe forbid he ever, and I mean ever, watch porn. This probably stems from the fact that my ex-boyfriend was masturbating to porn over having sex with me. Yes, I had a bit of a complex. Another milestone surpassed: I started watching porn – Ethical Porn to be more precise.
I can’t believe I wasted that many years of my life without it! I’m a super visual person, so discovering this was like…discovering moose tracks ice cream, or avocados! (I realize those are two very weird things to compare porn to…but they are some of my fav things!). In fact, I was so delighted by my discovery of porn that I planned a porn date with James!
4. I Went Back to a Strip Joint
Since the whole thing started with a stripper, I figured, why the hell not? James and I have been lucky enough to live and work in Tignes, France together for the winter season. It’s been magical, tiresome, and mind-blowing. We found a bar, called Le Twenty-Four Seven, and every Monday a stripper performs. Every time I’ve attended the show, I am approached without fail! I’m not trying to toot my own horn here, but I know what draws them to me.
One, I’m very feminine. Usually one of the only women in the place.
Two, I’m constantly smiling. When I say constantly, I mean constantly. I’m sure it’s nauseating to some people.
Three…I’m kind of beautiful.
It’s been a huge confidence boost, and also a safe place to explore my desire with interested parties! And, without giving too much away, James and I met a couple there. I may have made out with a hotwife on the dance floor…
Advice to Anyone Looking to Explore Their Sexuality?
I’m about to Nike commercial the shit out of you: just do it! Explore. There is no pressure. Your body is your body. Your desires are your desires. Your pace is your pace. Those events, clubs or parties you’ve been intrigued by for so long? Attend! That person who’s been giving you the eye, but you’re afraid your sexuality may terrify them? Communicate!
There’s no winning in not trying.
One of the biggest mistakes I made during this time was feeling like I owed people something. When I went to a swingers bar in Dijon, France, I tried to hide myself. Why? Because I had this ludicrous idea that if people wanted to swing with J and I, I had to. I mean, I was at a swingers bar, right?
No! No! No!
Observing, experiencing…that’s as important as any of it! Pay attention to your comfort zones. If you go too far, pull back, recalculate, and realign. And hey, if by chance you find out that it just ain’t your thing, at least you’ve learned something about yourself…
And we all know, self-discovery is freedom!
Until next time,
Fuck well, friends!
Quean Mo xx
So, tell me, what tools or actions have you taken to build sexual confidence? Comment below or contact me here!