I have not included the names of the inquirers out of respect for anonymity. A couple things to note: Q&As are ongoing, so don’t hesitate to send me more of your questions! You can do so through my social media channels (either publicly or via private message), through my contact form (see Contact tab at top of page), or by direct email: firstname.lastname@example.org.
The answers provided are based on my own personal life experience, perspective, and opinion. Please refer to the Terms of this site for full disclaimer.
On that note…let’s get started!
What are your fantasies/fetishes?
I’m sure my readers have gathered by now that my ultimate fantasy is to watch Master J fuck another woman in front of me. I guess the fetish behind this fantasy is based on domination and submission. I am a freak about seeing my man in a primal state, while the female is in a seemingly vulnerable state. While Master J is fucking me – even if we’re surrounded by mirrors – the visual aspect doesn’t have the same effect as watching him with another person. Why? Here is the analogy I’ve mentioned in previous posts… Imagine your watching your favourite movie; what feelings does it conjure? What characters do you love/hate? Now, I want you to take that same movie and swap the main character out for you. Re-watch that film. Does it have the same effect? I’m highly doubting it. The realism, the sensation of being the one looking in shifts! That is how I feel when I watch Master J fucking me. I’m seeing me, but also feeling everything that’s happening in my body. There’s very little space for visual stimulation because what’s happening to me physically overpowers all other sensation. Put me in an objective point of view, and suddenly I can see him in his element, while also experiencing the erotic feelings that come along with that kind of voyeurism – a non-obstructed or disturbed view.
Now, the truth is, I only want him to fuck a woman who submits to him. That’s the fetish. He’s in control. Period.
Other fetishes I have include bondage (I think that’s an obvious one), choking (but not true breath play); humiliation (will get into more detail about this soon), especially hearing him speak about what he’s done with other women; rape and abduction play; accents (specifically Master J’s – he’s French).
I’m obsessed with the male back, hands and facial hair! As well, for women, I love boobs and beautiful legs. To be honest, the female form, in general, is pretty striking to me.
Do you get jealous of other women?
Absolutely. We live in a society where women have been conditioned to compete with one another. We see in movies, shows, even amongst friends and family, women talking down to or gossiping about other females, and it has to do with ego. Take out the threat, right? (No, actually…not necessary.) I’ve been reading the book Why Women Have Sex, by Cindy M. Melton and David M. Buss, and they go into full detail as to what women will do to “win” or steal a mate. It’s fascinating, and includes both biological, evolutionary, and sociological reasoning. I wish they’d write an equivalent for men!
Anyway, back to the question. Yes, I get jealous. In saying that, I am very aware of my jealousy and it is a common topic between Master J and I. Why? Because it’s not something I’m comfortable sitting with alone. In my last relationship, I was bombarded with ego – both his and my own – because he would literally say things like, “I need to be the biggest guy in the room.” No, he wasn’t talking about his cock, he was a talking about his body (he was a bodybuilder). What did that translate into? Him needing constant reassurance by everyone other than me. I – someone who was previously a very chill human being – became an envious basket case. The problem was, I couldn’t speak to him about it because my jealousy would just fill his ego that much more.
Thankfully, in my current relationship it’s quite the opposite. When I dokeep the jealousy to myself, I tend to unravel. I make stories up in my head, which takes me down the same dark mental avenue that it did in my last relationship – you know, the one that ended in bulimia and self-loathing? My jealousy can very easily twist me into another human entirely. I become cold, withdrawn, mean and…self-harming. That is not the person I want to be, so now, I push my ego to the side and tell Master J, “I’m jealous.” And we talk it through.
Why do I get jealous? Honestly, it depends on my mood; how secure I feel mentally, physically; it can be related to my cycle…there are infinite reasons why one can get jealous; however, I’m lucky enough to say that, unlike my last relationship, it is never due to external circumstances brought on by Master J. It a
lways surfaces from an internal place, and although it can be painful, I understand that it is a natural emotion, and therefore, I can speak openly about it without feeling shame or guilt.
Why is masturbation considered a “male” thing?
I love this question, and I could literally write for hours about it! But, I’ll try to condense it into a few points.
1. Across all of time and all cultures, female sexuality has been oppressed. Because of this, women had no access to information or education regarding their own sexual functioning, sexuality, desires, etc. for a very, very long time! In earlier centuries, when women would begin to feel extreme emotion or irritability (you know, due to menstruation, menopause or sexual frustration), they’d be diagnosed as “hysterical” (a diagnosis that only women could receive during this time) and be brought to orgasm (via manual or robotic stimulation) by male practitioners. This was said to “relieve” female hysteria. In other words, women weren’t educated about the changes that occurred in their bodies, and therefore thought they needed “curing,” which was essentially sexual abuse carried out by male practitioners. Other notions included the fact that to touch oneself was considered “self-abuse,”not self-pleasure. Certain objects were used in earlier eras to detersuch “abuse.” This included things like chastity belts.
2. More focus has been placed on male pleasure. Yes, sure, in order to make a baby, you need the male to ejaculate. In order for the man to ejaculate, he needs to be stimulated through pleasure. But for women… Not only is female orgasm not discussed in sexual ed classes, it’s rarely even eluded to during parental “sex-talks” or mainstream media. So, when we think of masturbation, we automatically think of the male because from the time we even begin understanding what sex is, we are confronted with the plain fact that “men ejaculate,” and women have babies from that ejaculation. Sexual pleasure has always been synonymous to male pleasure.
3. Male anatomy vs. Female anatomy. Quite simply, the male anatomy is much more accessible as it’s an appendage that hangs on the outside of the body. Men, from the time they are potty-trained, become very familiar with their “parts” due to the constant handling of it during urination. Women, don’t have the same “easy access” as it is neatly folded away behind labia, or remains internal, and therefore may not begin touching themselves, if they do at all, until much later in life. (Unless you?
?re like me, who has been humping everything since I learned how to walk).
Those are just a few points or topics that are relevant to the masturbation discussion. There’s just so much more that could be said, but I’ll keep it for next month (May): Masturbation Month!
Is it normal that I can’t orgasm through penetration alone – I usually use a clit vibrator during intercourse…?
Only 25-30% of women can climax through penetration alone. This statistic is bewildering, and should be taught and understood by both females and males. Why? Because, evident through the wording of this question, women are made to feel “abnormal” for not reaching orgasm just through penetration, and men aren’t understanding the full scope of what is required in order for women to have a fulfilling sexual experience. Generally speaking, women need a whole lot more “outercourse” (all forms of non-penetrative sex and touching) than they are given.
My suggestion here…TALK TO YOUR PARTNER! It’s detrimental for partners to voice their sexual desires and needs to one another (both males and females!). No one is a mind reader, sorry! And beyond that, everyone has their own level of sexual knowledge and experience, and therefore may apply certain things that do or don’t work for you.
There is nothing sexier than a person who knows themselves!
For single people, even if you go to bed before having “the talk” (as many situations don’t leave space for this kind of thing), you can incorporate your desires and needs into bedroom talk. For example, “ooh, I really like it when you do ____ with your fingers,” or just directional words like, “faster, harder, slower, softer, to the right, to the left…” so long as you aren’t screaming like a drill sergeant (unless they’re into that), I think you’ll be just fine.
The point here is, don’t be afraid to be vocal!
I think it’s critical for me to say this: if someone (whether it be a long-term partner, or a one night stand) is not looking out for your pleasure as much, if not more, than their own, something is wrong, and you deserve better. You have the right to leave any time before, during or after things get hot. And remember, “No” is a complete statement.
How do I communicate my desires to my partner without them feeling criticized?
There’s a theory that if you sandwich a criticism between two compliments, you can get what you want. I don’t believe in this, as it seems a bit manipulative. I’m about honesty and being direct.
My first piece of advice for anyone wanting to communicate their sexual desires with a partner – especially if those desires are contrasting with you partner’s performance, and requires a true conversation, not just a direction (ex. Mov
e to the right; faster, slower, etc.) – is to have that conversation in a non-sexual situation or setting. Make it neutral.
1. Never begin the conversation when you’re heated, angry or frustrated. You don’t want to approach your partner in a negative state, otherwise they will feel under attack.
2. Start by asking them a question about your sex life. Ex: “Tell me three things you really love about our sex life?” and/or “Is there anything you’d like to try?” There is always room for exploration and improvement in sex, so every human on the planet should have an answer to some form of these two questions. This is a great way to open the conversation, and make your partner feel like you are interested in their needs/desires, rather than just jumping into a discussion about your own.
3. Listen! Like, truly listen, and ask questions and give your opinion. Do not get defensive or offensive. Again, sex can be a vulnerable topic, and therefore should be approached with enthusiasm and without judgement. And, by God, do not ask a question you don’t want to know the answer to!
4. Bring up what it is that you want to try/change. Do it gently. For example, if you’re a woman who needs more foreplay before intercourse, maybe use an example of a moment you two spent extra time one this, then tell your partner WHY this was fulfilling and how you want to incorporate more of it into your sexuality: “One of my favourite moments with you was when we spent fifteen minutes before sex massaging each other’s bodies. I felt so connected to you and extremely turned on. I’d love for us to spend some extra time on that.”
Or, if you’re approaching your partner with something you’ve never tried together, tell them from the “fantasy perspective,” such as: “The other night I was thinking about us, and I started getting really hard/wet imagining the two of us doing [FILL IN BLANK]. How do you feel about trying it?”
At the end of the day, both partners should feel comfortable in voicingtheir opinions to each other in a healthy way. If one partner is not receiving the messages well, is getting defensive, or not showing compassion for their loved one, there may be a deeper issue (a trigger point). If this is the case, and the conversation seems like an impossible one to have, it may be time to consider therapy.
Sex is a significant part of a relationship. If there’s a noticeable imbalance, it can lead to dissatisfaction and resentment. Of course, every relationship is different and should define what is acceptable for both parties involved. If there is a sense of neglect, or dissatisfaction, even after having communicated ones concerns (and seeking external help, such as therapy, if deemed necessary), there is nothing wrong with terminating a relationship on these grounds. Sexual health and fulfillment is an essential part of life, and you have a right to it.
What is “humiliation” in BDSM terms, and what kind do you like?
In the BDSM community, humiliation or “erotic humiliation” is an element of submission. It is when an individual becomes sexually excited when being degraded by a partner or play mate who is usually in a dominant role. There are several forms of humiliation, but my desires include:
– Name calling and belittling (insults and other verbal abuse)
– Having a dresscode
– Forced to wear gag and/or other restraints
– Ownership over my body (can include external signs of ownership, such as a collar and leash)
– Forced repetition (“You’re my whore, say it!”)
– Orgasm control (can’t have an orgasm until Master says so, or I have to ask/beg for permission)
– Subservience (obeying demands such as having to crawl on all fours to fetch Master something)
– Forced sexual degradation, such as giving fellatio
– Discipline (spanking, withholding pleasure, prohibited to orgasm, etc.)
Part of my cuckquean fantasy is that I’m being “forced” to watch while Master J dominates and fucks another woman. Of course, not all cuckqueans consider themselves submissives; however, my personal definition of this fantasy is based in submission.
Do you always desire D/s sex? Or do you ever want less kink, more subtlety?
The truth is, there are times I think I want softer sex; however, regardless of how “slow” we start, the more aroused I become, the harder and kinkier I need the sex to be. The more I get turned on, the more sensation I need to feel – pain, pressure, mental stimulation (humiliation), etc. When I’m aroused, if I continue to have “slow” or “vanilla” sex, I become completely frustrated, and find it difficult to orgasm. The (consensual) “violence,” if we can call it that, is a deeply engrained part of what satisfies me. This doesn’t mean there’s always restraints or other toys/equipment being used, but I would say that there’s always some form of humiliation (especially verbal), and hard penetration.
This is what makes Master J and I so sexually compatible, as he never requires soft sex. The more domination there is, the better it is for him. And he always finds it amusing when I try to have softer sex because, by the end, it turns into a hard fuck.
Before Master J, did you have other D/s relationships?
No. Never. Before Master J I’d had two long-term relationships. The first was from the age of 14 to 17, and the second was from the age of 18 to 23. The first relationship I didn’t know myself sexually, and the second, we were utterly incompatible. There were moments I had tried to incorporate a bit of kink (restraints, spanking, etc.) into the second relationship, but he either wasn’t interested or it didn’t feel right. The reason why it works with Master J is, for one, he was open and honest about sex from the very first moment (literally, our first date). That was refreshing for me. I knew what I was getting into, and, surprisingly at the time, his sexual desires were compatible with mine. Secondly, Master J and I are very generous with each other both in and outside of the bedroom. Neither of us ever go unfinished. We also have 100% open communication, about both the negative and positive things we feel. I think this is my first D/s relationship because we have such a healthy bond and connection. Without that, it just doesn’t feel right.
Thank you again to every one who submitted a question. If yours wasn’t answered in this round of Q&A, no problem, I’ll be sure to get to it next time.
Until then, keep submitting your curiosities and suggestions, and
Fuck-well, my friends!