RAF – Minx: A Memoir, Part II/III

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If you missed Part I of this RAF Series, you can find it here.


CONTENT NOTE: This series covers topics of domestic/sexual abuse and abortion, sometimes in explicit detail. You can find helpful resources regarding these two topics at the bottom of the article.

 Minx left off by sharing with the readers that in her relationship with Pineapple, she found a love that was different than everything she’d witnessed between men and women growing up. Pineapple had provided her the tenderness and security her mother’s previous boyfriends refused to give. Looking back with adult eyes, Minx does not have regret for this relationship for these reasons – it showed her what she wanted, what she deserved.

Interview continued below… 


I don’t think there is anything wrong with not regretting the relationship. As you mentioned, it seemed to impact you in a way that you carried on as you grew, and gave you qualities of character you would demand from future partners. Age can be controversial to many. It is something defined by law, not case-by-case basis, which can overlook many elements. I think you’re brave for admitting that, and acknowledging the positive affect it’s had on you.

To continue what you said, “how a man could show a woman she could be loved without him raping her, beating her up, or mentally breaking her down”…

Based on this statement, it sounds like the relationships that you were exposed to as a child were quite dysfunctional. Had you experienced or witnessed these types of relationships and abuse growing up?

Of course I did. Maybe not to that extent, but the unfortunate thing about growing up in an abusive home is that’s all you know. Even if a part of you knows it’s wrong, that’s how you grow up. Naturally you seek out shitty people. Fortunately, I realized I wasn’t being treated right by boyfriends and needed to make a change.

Did you ever feel that Pineapple was taking advantage of you? Looking back on it, would it be safe to say he was genuinely in love with you?

It’s hard to believe that someone who was your first for everything would be someone who would take advantage. For years I thought possibly; however, that’s what people burned into my brain. A few years ago I messaged him asking why. His response was that he couldn’t help it, he just loved me so much, and that he was sorry for everything, including the issues it caused between my mother and I.

When I think about you and your story, I imagine all of the young girls that are going through or have been through similar scenarios and feel scared and alone. Your words, your voice, and your truth could help, or at least shed light on topics that aren’t spoken about enough.

I’d like to give some perspective to our readers; how much older was Pineapple than you?

He’s 17 years older I believe.

Touching back on your pregnancy, I know several women who have been deeply affected by having an abortion – many who felt like the choice wasn’t truly theirs. Perhaps that’s a large element of abortion-related trauma. Your mom gave you a very difficult decision to make. You must have been terrified…felt helpless.

I felt like she forced me into it and I’ve resented her for it. It wasn’t her choice to make, it was mine and she stole it away.

Abortion, at least my experience: you walk in and they make you fill out forms like any other doctor’s office or clinic. They give you little pills to take. They never told me what they were for, but I assume something for the pain. They get you to remove your pants and put on a gown. You keep your underwear on. You go into another room. Then you remove your underwear and lay on a table. They stick a needle in your arm. I told them I didn’t want the needle, and the nurse said to me, “what needle,” before jamming it into my hand. I had a blue scar for the longest time.

But for me, what I found so traumatic, was the ultrasound. I understand why they need it. However, I feel like it’s extremely insensitive. I didn’t want this and I had to see what I had to give up. That never went away for me. Then they stick a tube up there, and BAM it’s done. Then they shove you in another room with juice and cookies, and a bunch of other women bawling their eyes out.

Your experience sounds…excruciating, to say the least. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Even more, I’m sorry you felt the choice had been ripped away from you. That isn’t fair.

It’s such a profound topic, and I know we could have made the entirety of this interview about that. So, I’ll ask this: do you have any advice for young girls who may feel they are in the same situation? That feel forced to have an abortion, or unsure of themselves?

Note: Again, Minx and I are not anti-abortion. When we discuss abortion here, it’s in the context of coercion or manipulation. The “if you don’t do x, then y,” situation that many young girls face, and follow through with due to fear, and then carry regret or resentment with them later on. This does not represent every female experience, as abortion is a very important human right. Both Minx and I profoundly understand this.

I’d tell them not to let anyone make that decision for you. However, don’t make any decision lightly as both will affect your life in very, very different ways.

Of course, I think it’s about understanding the life you you would have depending on which path you take, and embracing that path for yourself, not for anyone else. Also, understanding that regardless of your fear, there is support out there no matter what, even if that support isn’t from the people closest to you. At the end of the day it’s you who has to live with the decision, no one else.

How old were you, and have you received professional help regarding this part of your life?

Umm, I think 15.

I’ve actually never seen a professional. I carry A LOT on my shoulders, but I like to make the big joke, “I have big shoulders” [laugheter]; considering how tiny my shoulders are I think it’s funny.

I probably should see a professional, but I’m not ready for that. I think this is more my first step. However, I have had some pretty amazing people come in and out of my life who have helped tremendously. Of course, you know, you being one of them. And my best friend… I could never make it through this world without her. Or my lover either. I have big shoulders, but they are the legs I stand on.

You’ve provided so much detail and honesty, Minx, I can’t thank you enough for that. Sometimes the term “family” is much broader than blood relations, and I think it’s wonderful you have such a great network of supportive people in your life. That alone makes for some great therapy.

So, with everything that happened between you and Pineapple, how did your mom react, and did that specifically have any impact on your relationship with her?

Did I ever tell you that my mom had found out about the relationship, and ended it before I had the abortion?

No, I don’t believe you ever mentioned that.

Okay. Well, before I started really seeing Jace, my mom had found out about Pineapple. She had a new boyfriend, and to get me away she moved us in with him. I had been sneaking around behind her back, having sex with Pineapple in his truck.

That brings me to this: I didn’t really know who the father was. I had found out at Pineapple’s place that I was pregnant. After the abortion and everything, for just over a year, I would literally spend every weekend with him. My mother knew and she would even occasionally drive me there. Of course while hiding it from her oh-so-lovey boyfriend. After that year, she made me end it. I feel like it was out of fear of being caught lying by her new man.

How did your mom end it?

She Just told me I had to. And there was no choice in the matter. I think she resented me and hated me for it all. But I never did it to hurt her. It was what I needed for me. Yes, it was selfish but I felt like she had left me with an abusive man, then left me to take care of her child and I was done. I wanted to be happy, too.

You were also a kid, so regardless of your intentions, you were her responsibility, not the other way around.
Why do you think she was so scared of getting caught by her boyfriend? What would he have done?

Honestly I have no idea. Maybe seen her for who she really is? Maybe would have left her? He hated me already, so what would it have mattered?

I’m curious, also, what you meant by, “she had left me with an abusive man, then left me to take care of her child.” Who are you referring to here? And did you feel like your brother’s guardian growing up?

My brothers dad was an extremely abusive man. I heard him rape her. I witnessed him abuse her physically and mentally. She left him, and gave him split-custody of my brother and me. When he started to get more physically abusive, I told her and she didn’t believe me.

She worked night shifts, so I was the one solely taking care of my brother every night. His dad was useless, so I took care of him there, too. She couldn’t deal with him, so she made me do it. So, yes, I do feel like I played that role until she met her new husband. That’s when I moved out.


To be continued…

Next week, Minx and I discuss her relationship with her mother, and the protection of her future children. If you have a question or wish to speak directly to Minx, please use the contact form.

Resources:

  1. Assaulted Women’s Helpline (Ontario, Canada)
    1-866-863-0511 (Free)
    1-866-863-7868 (TTY)
  2. Ending Violence Association of Canada
  3. World Helplines (World Wide)
  4. International Helpline for Abortion Recover
    1-866-482-LIFE
  5. Just want to chat anonymously (and free)? Register at 7 Cups


Until next time,

Fuck-well, friends! And remember, you’re not alone!

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