So, instead I thought I’d keep a promise I made to him before he dozed into one of the noisiest slumbers I’ve ever heard, and I’ll treat you all by answering one of the most common (and important) questions I receive about my relationship and sexuality…
To all the Hot Husbands and Wives, and those who are considering introducing their relationship to a cuck dynamic, this on is for you!
How in the hell do you make it work? And what was it like getting to this place in your relationship?A Stripper Saved My Life
This question, of course, refers to cuckqueaning and how two people, who are truly in love, can put so much on the line for a fantasy.
Since the release of my first blog post, A Stripper Saved My Life, I’ve been bombarded with confessions of people (mostly men), whose partners share the same fantasy. This confession is followed by the outpouring of curiosity and fear. Curiosity about the fantasy itself, and fear of the repercussions.
“I’m afraid of hurting her,” “I don’t want to lose her,” “what if she doesn’t like it? It can never be taken back!”
For all of these beautiful, relationship-conscious, genuine men, this one is for you.
I say these two simple words (but please, read the rest of this article; don’t just take this and run): TRUST HER.
Women have been given very little reign over their own sexuality. Beginning with education. How is one to know what they like when they don’t even have a proper understanding of the mechanics of ones own body? Add that to patriarchal sexual conditioning (penis+vagina=sex) and you receive a whole host of problems and incompatibilities!
I’m nearing thirty years young, and I’m still in the beginning stages of understanding what I like having done to me physically. (Like…I just learned the full, anatomical structure of the clitoris two and a half years ago! Let’s just say she ain’t just a pretty little bead at the top of the labia minora!) Sorry-not-sorry, my desires change all the time. They’re dependent on my mood, my cycle, my availability, current life situation, what I eat in a day…you name it.
In saying that, one thing I now know is not all fantasies should be fulfilled; however, there are those rare few that permeate your sexual interest like a virus. It could start out as a feeling, a glimpse, a random and wild thought; something that, without realizing in the moment, planted a small seed in your brain that would eventually take hold and spread throughout, leaving its unmistakable presence.
The Portuguese stripper was the watering of that seed for me. The seed had lain dormant for years. I remember moments in high school, watching some of the other girls, and feeling a subtle longing. I could not give this a name then. I was afraid of it, so I buried it between my own insecurities and relationships with boys. However, after that warm October evening in Porto, it took a mere five days for that seed to take root. And then, I couldn’t contain it anymore.
So, when I say, “trust her,” what I’m really saying is that it’s very unlikely this fantasy – or any other, for that matter – is being expressed on a whim. The truth is, your woman (or man, if you’ve found yourself a cuckhold) has probably had this fantasy brewing within them for some time, and, sometimes unbeknownst to them, something has brought it to the surface. The reasons for this surfacing don’t matter, what matters is the reality of their wanting, and your willingness to fulfill that wanting.
That brings me to my next point:
Don’t Stop Talking
I’ve said it before and I’ll quote it again, communication is lubrication. To make any relationship work – even a less complicated one without cuck fantasies – agreements must be set. Each partner comes to the other with their own standards and expectations, and it is their responsibility to voice them. Without addressing topics or issues that impact the foundation of the partnership, you’re quite literally setting a timer for its detonation.
People. Can’t. Read. Minds.
It’s that simple, folks. No matter how profoundly you believe they should know what you like and how you like it. If you don’t communicate, you can’t blame the person when they cross boundaries or make mistakes. They’re trying to map out your landscape by way of their own navigation system. The likelihood of these two things being totally in sync, is like saying you can find two snowflakes that are actually alike. Please.
So, start speaking and never stop. Negotiate and then respect the agreements that are placed. Understand that your desires and needs are no more or less significant than the other partner(s) involved.
Be real with yourself and each other. Pop culture likes to make mystery and danger look hot and appealing. Want to know what I find hot and appealing? When my partner is so sure of himself that he tells me straight up what he desires, and then gives me the opportunity to do the same.
Good fucking comes from trust, communication and respect.
Ask the Right Questions
Of course, once a cuck fantasy is revealed to a partner, both parties need their buffer time to digest the reality of the situation. For me, I needed to give myself the space to accept that this was happening and that I’d potentially just dropped a bomb into my relationship. Trust me when I say that putting this scenario on the table was nerve-racking for me also. I was shaking before I got the words out; full of anxiety and uncertainty. I knew once the admission was made, there was no reeling it back in to the safety of my own interior.
For Master J, he needed time to come to terms with what I was asking of him. This was a confusing process. People often apply their own meaning to other people’s realities. Master J could have translated my fantasy into my lack of love for him. I mean, really, who in their right mind would want to share the person they love with someone else, right?
Wrong. It wasn’t about sharing, and I was lucky enough to have a man who thought asking was a better policy than assuming. What did this fantasy mean to me and for me? Rather than internalizing this and defining it for himself, he moved outward and demanded it from the source. Me. Whereby I responded.
For me, this fantasy is an expansion of our sexuality. It’s a deeper exploration, and opening up our sexual potential. Through the process of answering these questions, I learned that the fantasy involved my desire to watch him, the man I love, receive pleasure without being the subject – the source – of this pleasure. To see him in this state sans being involved.
It’s almost like watching your partner sleep. There is a distant beauty in their unconsciousness, one you can appreciate from the outside without influencing it or demanding something from it. That’s what my sexuality longs for.
Master J, of course, took this information as it was – an opportunity to expand us – which, in turn, gave him a better understanding of the love and comfort I pull from our relationship: insurmountable. He was honoured and overjoyed. And before you go thinking, “well ya, what man wouldn’t be overjoyed by the permission of hooking up with someone else?” Let me say this…
For everyone who believes that Master J is “lucky” to “have a woman like me,” because he can fuck other people…guess what? I’m the centre piece. I’m the tether that holds this whole operation together. Just like the fearful men who’ve reached out for this purpose, Master J built his justification of this fantasy on hours of us speaking about my certainty and desire. Without my confidence, without the trust I have in myself and my own cravings, he would dismantle any opportunity of this happening. Why? Because, although sex and love aren’t always in the same box, Master J would never sacrifice our love for sex. For him, sex alone is no bargaining point for the potential loss of what we have. If I pull the plug, he would support that and would remain a sexually (and romantically) fulfilled man. And, as blatantly as he’s put it before, I now understand that my pleasure is his turn on. Without that, his brain isn’t in it.
At Cuck Speed
So, because of this, obviously, the holder of the fantasy is the one who sets the speed of its execution.
This, my friends, is the trickiest part. Not because partners of cucks will push, but because the cuck themselves – as I mentioned before – are ever changing in mood and life situation.
I have days where I just want to run to the nearest bar and speak to as many women as possible, in hopes of finding a connection strong enough that the three of us can’t resist each other. Other days, I don’t even want to speak about it. Trust me, this has led to some tense moments and some pretty dark accusations on my behalf.
Master J has had to wait patiently until the cuck in me is open and ready to discuss things, let alone pursue things. He’s asked me questions about my fantasy, only to be met with my resentment. Because, as much as this fantasy runs deep, I am a woman and I am up against all of the pre-conditioning I’ve had throughout my 27 years of life. Early messages telling me that men do, in fact, value sex over love; that love equals sex and sex equals love; going outside of your relationship equals death to it; that I’ve just opened the door for my man to have his cake and eat it too; that I’m the fool because all he’ll ever want is this…
To want a woman and be threatened by her simultaneously is a very complicated thing. Because of this, I ask all cuck partners to find patience for your loved one. The road will have varying speeds – sometimes you’ll back track, detour or come to a complete halt – but, I assure you, the destination will be worth your while. And no, not just because you’re getting your rocks off with another person, but because the intensity of sharing something that intimate and adventurous, will only benefit you both.
There will be moments of jealousy, guilt, shame, perhaps even tears due to the conflicting desires and pre-conceived notions about love and sexuality (thank you, culture), but so long as you approach your cuck partner with love and patience, understanding and the openness to discuss everything that happened and is happening, fears will slowly dissipate, and further self knowledge will be granted. It’s a process, and it takes time to learn about yourself and your partner in this realm. Enjoy it as it comes.
Here’s a brief summary of our build up to bringing someone else in to our relationship. This isn’t necessarily in order, as some items on this list occurred prior to labelling myself a cuckquean. It should go without saying that everyone’s process is different, and this just gives an idea of actions you can take before actually fulfilling the cuckquean fantasy. As a couple, you should at least consider a few prior to jumping right in.
- Talking about it (this is a never ending process, and a mandatory one)
- Hearing your partner’s past sexual experience during intercourse (using it as dirty talk, and seeing how it makes the cuck feel)
- Getting online (Fetlife.com, Feeld, Tinder, etc.), and talking to people. Warning: this may lead to sexting, video chats or other offers
- Watching porn together
- Going to a strip club together
- Sitting in public and people watching together, checking out women and exploring each other’s tastes
- Finding events and attending them (workshops, meet ups, sex parties)
- Creating a sex bucketlist that may or may not include you or your partner hitting on someone else, kissing someone else, planning a date with someone else
- Going to sex/swingers clubs
- Describing the fantasy in detail (who, what, when, where, and how)
- Checking in during EVERY step
Throughout the entire process, you should be checking in and renegotiation boundaries for one another to be sure the relationship remains priority.
Even if the cuck decides it isn’t for them after all – whether during the process or after the actual experience itself – that doesn’t mean there’s damage done. Knowing they have a partner who is willing to accept and explore them is enough to make any sexual connection stronger.
So, tell me, what advice do you have for people looking to explore different parts of their sexuality? Is there anything specific you’d like to know?
Until next time,