Originally published November 14th, 2018
I just arrived in France today, and have already, perfectly screwed myself. Having a five-hour nap after stepping off a plane into another time zone is a surefire way to prolong jet lag. As I write this, James is in a tremendous slumber beside me. He currently sounds like a whale that consumed a tornado. A part of me wants to elbow him just enough to cut his bellowing, dreamy bliss, but I can’t bring myself to do it. His day has been as long as mine, only without a five-hour sieste. So, what better way to pass this sleepless night than by answering one of the most common questions I receive about my relationship and sexuality: how, in fact, does one make a cuckquean (or cuckold) relationship work.
In other words, how can people in love put so much on the line for a single fantasy?
Since the debut of Call of the Quean, and my vulnerable outpouring of A Stripper Saved My Life, I have received numerous confessions from people – mostly cis-gendered, heterosexual men – whose partners share the same fantasy. This confession is followed by curiosity and fear. Curiosity about the fantasy itself, and fear of the repercussions:
“I’m afraid of hurting her!”
“I don’t want to lose her!”
“What if she doesn’t like it? It can never be taken back!”
For all of the beautiful, relationship-conscious humans out there, this one is for you.
1. Trust Your Partner
These three simple words hold so much weight. Trust. Your. Partner.
Our society developed in a way that people, especially womxn, have had very little reign over their own sexuality. From slut shaming and heterotypical, monogamous templates being tossed at us in every which way, desire and pleasure can be tricky.
Even as a liberated woman and sex blogger, I’m still learning my own needs, and unlearning sex-negative messages. Being as open-minded about your partner’s journey, as much as your own, is critical for personal growth, but also creates security within the relationship.
Not all fantasies are meant to be fulfilled. Sometimes the turn on is in speaking about the fantasy, without pursuing it. Figuring out whether the cuck fantasy is in the former or latter category requires baby steps. Personally, the fantasy pervaded my brain and body like a virus. That night in Portugal , a small seed planted itself, leaving its unmistakable presence.
Truth is, I remember moments in high school, watching some of the other girls, and feeling a subtle longing. I could not give that longing a name then, as I was afraid of it. My response was to bury it between insecurities and heterotypical relationships. But as I grew, and life offered more, I was able to shed that fear.
When I tell you to trust your partner, what I’m really saying is it’s unlikely this fantasy is being expressed on a whim. If they are similar to me, they may have had this fantasy brewing inside for years. Knowing that they are trusting you in receiving the details of this fantasy, means they expect the same kind of trust back in their desire for this fantasy. The reasons behind the fantasy don’t what matter. What matters is the reality of their wanting, and your willingness to explore that wanting. The fact that you have concerns shows your appreciation for the relationships – that’s a great sign. But giving your partner – especially womxn – the space to express themselves in this way, is empowering.
2. Don’t Stop Talking
I’ll forever quote Emily Morse: communication is lubrication. To make any relationship work, talks must be had, boundaries must be set. Each partner comes to the other with their own standards and expectations, and it is their responsibility to voice those. Without addressing topics or issues that impact the foundation of the partnership, you are quite literally setting a timer for its detonation.
People. Can’t. Read. Minds.
It’s that simple, folks. We’re all trying to map out other people’s landscape; however, without a proper blueprint, we default to our own navigation system. Communicate boundaries, and first steps. When you’ve taken those first steps, check-in, reassess boundaries, and continue the process.
Be real with yourself and each other. Pop culture likes to make mystery and danger seem hot and appealing. Want to know what I find hot and appealing? When my partner is so sure of himself that he tells me what he desires, and then gives me the opportunity to do the same.
Great fucking comes from trust, communication, and respect.
3. Ask the Right Questions
Of course, once a cuck fantasy is revealed to a partner, both parties need their buffer time to digest the reality of the situation. I gave myself space to accept that this was happening and figure out what it meant.
For James, he needed time to digest what I was desiring from him. This was a confusing process. People often apply their own meaning to other people’s realities. Rather than translating your partner’s fantasy into their lack of love for you, or dissatisfaction, ask. Asking is a better policy than assuming.
- What does this fantasy mean to you?
- How often do you think about this fantasy?
- Why do you believe it turns you on?
- What is your ideal version of this fantasy? In a perfect world, how would it play out for you?
- What does this do for your emotionally? Physically? Mentally?
- Does it excite you to think that you may one day fulfill this fantasy?
- Who is the ideal third (or more) to include in the fulfillment of this fantasy?
Rather than internalizing this and defining it for yourself, move outward and toward your partner. Get the answers from the source. You may just learn that their fantasy is an expansion of their sexuality. It’s a deeper exploration and opening up of the relationship’s sexual potential. Through the process of answering these questions, you may learn wonderful things about your partner, such as:
- They take pleasure in watching you take pleasure!
- They want to share everything with you!
- They want to see you in the heat of passion from an objective view!
- They see sex as an expression of gratitude for life…
Have you every watched your partner sleep, and thought, “wow, they are so beautiful”? Well, in a cuck’s mind, there is beauty in distance. They can appreciate their love and lust for their partner from the outside, without influencing or demanding something from the moment.
Sexuality is an inside thing. Knowing that part of a human offers greater understanding of the love and comfort they can pull from a relationship.
4. At Cuck Speed
Lastly, the holder of the fantasy is the one who sets the pace of its execution. This, my friend, is the trickiest part. Not because partners of cucks will push, but because the cuck themselves are living, breathing human beings. Their moods and situations are ever changing.
James had to wait patiently until the cuck in me was open and ready to discuss things, let alone pursue things. He’s asked me questions about my fantasy, only to be met with my resentment. Because, as much as this fantasy runs deep, I am a woman and I am up against all of the pre-conditioning I’ve had throughout my life. Early messages telling me that men do, in fact, value sex over love; that love equals sex and sex equals love; that homosexuality is wrong; that going outside of your relationship equals death to it; that I’ve just opened the door for my man to have his cake and eat it too; that I’m the fool because all he’ll ever want is this…In other words, he values sex more than me.
To want a woman and be threatened by her simultaneously is a very complicated thing. Because of this, I ask all cuck partners to find patience for their loved one. The road will have varying speeds – sometimes you’ll back track, detour, come to a complete halt. Other times, you’ll be flying! Regardless, I assure you the destination will be worth it. The intensity of sharing something that intimate and adventurous will only benefit you.
There will be moments of jealousy, guilt, shame, and perhaps tears due to the conflicting desires and pre-conceived notions about love and sexuality, but so long as you approach your cuck partner with love and patience, understanding and the openness to discuss everything that happened and is happening, fears will slowly dissipate. It’s a process, and it takes time to learn about yourself and your partner in this realm. Enjoy it as it comes.
Here’s a brief summary of our build up to bringing someone else into our relationship. This isn’t necessarily in order, as some items occurred prior to labelling myself a cuckquean. It should go without saying that everyone’s process is different, and these are simply actionable ideas you can take before fulfilling the cuckquean fantasy.
- Hearing your partner’s past sexual experience during intercourse and exploring how each of you feel
- Getting online and talking to people
- Watching porn together
- Going to a strip club together
- People watching together, and sharing your attraction to others with your partner
- Finding relevant events and attending them
- Creating a sex bucket list that may or may not include you or your partner hitting on someone else, kissing someone else, planning a date with someone else, etc.
- Going to a sex club
Even if the cuck decides it isn’t for them after all – whether during the process or after the actual experience itself – that doesn’t mean damage has been done. Knowing they have a partner who is willing to accept and explore them is enough to make any sexual connection stronger. You’re in this together.
Until next time,
Fuck well, friends!
Quean Mo xx
So, tell me, what advice do you have for people looking to explore different parts of their sexuality? Is there anything specific you’d like to know?
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