Having slowly began my sex and fetish coaching career, I’ve taken moments to explore and reassess my own sexuality further. I am a submissive, bisexual cuckquean; three qualities I both admire and resent. I admire them, for they deepen my self-perception, self-awareness, my identity, my ability to relate to like-minded individuals, and also keep an open mind to those who don’t quite fall into such specific categories. They remind me of the diversity across sexuality. I resent these qualities because, well, with labels come stereotypes, and with stereotypes come the diminishment of the human that they are applied to.
I am a sexual human, not a sexual object.
Dealing with a variety of clients, with a diverse set of concerns and desires, I realized that in order to assist them to the best of my ability, I too needed to face my own concerns and desires – sometimes concerns about my desires. To be a leader in the arena of sexuality and self-acceptance, I was required to confront my own set of limitations, whether they be born from internal fears or external influences.
I am a lucky human. I live in a free country. I have some friends who lean towards the libertine way of life, and some who don’t. For the latter group, they remain at most curious, and at the least, accepting of my choices. For this I am grateful, as it has made my journey to self-discovery that much easier. However, acceptance from others is not where freedom lies. It is the acceptance of the self that is most critical for living a fulfilling life.
So, on that splendid note, in this three part series, I will share with you the light and the dark of these three specific qualities I can’t help but harbour. I will be as gut-wrenchingly honest about the rollercoaster of pleasure and difficulties I’ve faced based on my own personal, societal and relational baggage. It isn’t enough to say this ride is far from being over; life is a journey without a destination. We live and we grow continuously. We find what empowers us, what makes us tick, what angers us, derails us, drives us, relieves us…we find our form of expression. For some it is singing, dancing, building, destroying, running, staying still, praying, creating…writing.
And for some of us, it’s sex.
Sexpression via Submission
Here I use the word sex for any type of physical or spiritual intimacy with the self or other person(s). Sex is by no means exclusive to intercourse – which we have forever been taught.
Because of this, I understand that knowing the self is the key to sexual enlightenment. It isn’t always beautiful. In fact, it’s a lot messy! But if you own it, you own your power. Hostility – physical abuse or violence of any kind – is by no means an element of this form of expression.
Sexual expression is given authentically, consensually, and received gracefully, respectfully. Sexual communication requires the right time and space to be released. Just as the right tools and inspiration are needed for an artist, the proper connection is mandatory for the sexpressionist.
As a submissive, it took time for me to grapple with this concept. As a female living in a world of male dominance, it felt like sacrilege to submit to a man during such a vulnerable moment. I saw it as an exchange: they receive pleasure, and I receive value.
My early sexual experiences in life were no catalyst in remedying this wall I had built between myself and my personal desire to, in fact, submit. The definition of what it meant to “submit” was becoming skewed.
After my sexual debut, and into my second serious relationship, I felt I had something to prove. To prove to myself, to the person I was going to bed with, to the men from my past who’d used me for their own pleasure, and for the rest of the female kind. I was inhibited in my sexpression, because I had yet tapped into my power. I had not yet figured out how to navigate what I liked and didn’t like, and it was partially due to the partners I had chosen. Because I’d closed the doors to my own desires in order to remain desirable, I’d compromised my power in order to please the other.
I was confusing submission with sacrifice.
Master J told me on our first date that he was a Dominant. He didn’t want either of us to perdre notre temps. Some may have taken his admission as too forward, intimidating even. But me? I saw vulnerability in his openness and honesty. I could tell he liked me, but the terror of inauthenticity and unfulfillment reigned over his fear of not moving forward with me. Honesty inspires trust, and in that moment I felt I could let pieces of my guard down.
Since that moment, Master J has given me the space to grow into my own sexuality, which gave volume to my authentic voice. Rather than locking doors and hiding behind resentment, I was able to break down entire walls and realize that sex is just another form of expression – communication (aka sexpression).
As a submissive, I feel most empowered in letting go. That state of vulnerability is beautiful and raw; a rare commodity for human beings today. We are all so frightened of getting hurt, be it physically, mentally, emotionally, that we, in fact, lock up – the way I had learned to do after many years of understanding that my needs would remain unseen.
For me now, being a submissive means expressing my sexuality by way of handing over the responsibility of my own pleasure to my Dominant, trusting that he will take care of it. It’s me (nonverbally) saying, “I am releasing my power to you, becoming utterly vulnerable to your touch and desires. This is how I wish to communicate with you, because this is the state in which I feel most liberated. The way in which I most connect with you.”
It is profound!
Of course, as I’ve mentioned in several other posts, prior to moving into our D/s relationship, numerous discussions have been had. These discussions never stop, as we are both ever-changing. But the beautiful thing to note here is that the connection, the reciprocity and respect, are what feed my sexpression; our sexpression. It works both ways, and is unique in every intimate encounter, whether it’s just the two of us, or inclusive of others.
It isn’t always rainbows and butterflies (or should I say, moans and orgasms). As I mentioned, the dark side exists. It creeps up on me once in a while in the form of triggers brought upon by some small gesture or word or sensation, that brings unchecked baggage to the surface.
I remember one moment in particular. Master J had bound my hands behind my back with handcuffs. He told me to go on my knees, as he sat in front of me on the bed, unzipping his fly. At first, the image was exciting, gorgeous, but then something inside of me switched.
How dare he just put me on my knees and expect me to please him! What about me? Does my pleasure not matter? Doesn’t it make more sense that the woman is stimulated before the man? So. Fucken. Typical!
Tears erupted from my eyes, as I flung my head back to get as far away from his crotch as possible. And you know what happened next? He j
umped up, undid the handcuffs and pulled me into his arms.
And he waited.
He waited until the tears stopped. He waited until I could form words through the anger. He waited until I explained what happened in my body and in my head. He listened, and listened and then reassured me. He took his time, gathering information, disproving the negative thoughts my mind had mustered. Reminded me that this particular action (me on my knees), wasn’t always occurring that way. I had taken a scenario and perpetuated it in my memory, creating a false, momentary perception of our relationship and his motives.
We didn’t go back to D/s play. Instead, when the time was right, he put his mouth on me…everywhere, without expecting or asking for anything in return.
I do not submit to anyone. I do not submit all of the time. When I submit, my Dominant knows my limits, and what I need in order to have a successful session. When I submit, Master J has to wait for my signal before inflicting pain. Humiliation is always on the table. Master J understands that I am a sexual human, not a sexual object, but that he can play the latter. When I submit, I make sure that I feel completely at ease with everything that is happening.
Submission is my form of sexpression.
It is authentic. It is fulfilling.
It is my power.
So, my advice to you…
So, tell me, what is your form of sexpression?
Until next time,