Sitting, looking out onto the mountainous scenery, I’m struck by something. It’s a feeling I’ve never known before. It resides somewhere between jealousy, arousal and compersion. It’s confusing, thrilling, and addicting.
My husband has a sex friend. I repeat to myself. An online one. Her name is Lexi.
They began speaking over FetLife just before the holidays. Her profile seemed compatible, complementary, so he initiated conversation. She was private, sweet, and very forward about her desires as a submissive. Her sexual frustrations come from her long study/work hours, and her inability to break away from an ex who, although unable to fulfill her submissive nature, offered familiarity and, well, sex.
In their earlier conversations, Master J spoke of me often; divulging information about my cuckquean fantasy. He learned that although preferring sexual interaction with men, Lexi is more physically attracted to women. One of her recently discovered fantasies (I’ll take the credit for this one): being dominated by a man (physical), while facing his tied up wife (visual).
I could tell her not-so-refrained confessions excited Master J. I felt indifferent. Seeing words on a screen from a hypothetical, submissive woman, living on a different continent, didn’t quite rev my engine. Turns out, it didn’t fascinate her all that much either. She enjoyed speaking to Master J, and hearing about his mystery wife who wanted him to speak to other women, but, she needed proof. So, we set up a day and time, and we had a Skype date.
I had seen her body in her FetLife profile images – voluptuous breasts; dangerous curves. I’d imagined her with long, dark hair, and a tainted smile. She, in fact, had long, walnut hair. Natural, like mine. The pixelated screen kept her eye colour a secret, but her smile reached for them, creating ripples of contagious delight.
We were all quite pleased with one another.
I told her nothing was hidden between Master J and I. This relieved her, for that was her fear. She didn’t want to be the “other” woman, virtually or not. We spoke about life, and travel, her long work hours, and past relationships. Something inside of me didn’t feel right jumping into a sexual conversation. A part of me didn’t want to…take her from him. I wanted this friendship to be theirs, at least for now. I needed to witness its growth from the sidelines.
It was both a challenge for myself and a gift to him.
When the two of us crawled into bed that night, Master J revealed feelings of guilt. I revealed feelings of jealousy, but also the arousal and compersion. He wondered which overpowered the other. I didn’t know how to answer. All I knew is it was exciting. I asked him if this meant they would begin to be intimate via chat or video. His guilt seeped through again. He didn’t know how he could, because his mind would be on me.
You see, I’ve always been involved in our experiences with other people. And even though this wouldn’t be a physical one, he worried it wouldn’t feel right without me.
I had to really listen to myself in that moment. When I found the answer that best suited me, I told him…
“I want you to have fun with her, I just want to know about it after.” I continued, “I don’t mind that you exchange photos or get off on one another. You making me aware of it is enough involvement for me right now.”
He took that in. He said it might be difficult at first, but he would see what happens.
A week or so after this conversation, I woke up and went to work. When Master J arrived, he had this look on his face…I couldn’t tell if he was sad or about to burst out laughing. When I confronted him, he said, “Lexi and I spoke last night.” I knew what that meant.
“Did you come?” For some reason that was the first thing out of my mouth.
He hesitated. His eyes revealed the answer before his words did. “Yes.”
“And how was it?” He was searching me for something…anger, hostility, sadness, jealousy…I’m not sure which.
Of course, work got busy so we couldn’t continue the conversation in that moment. But when we arrived at home, he explained everything to me…
Lexi was an obedient submissive. She very willingly surrendered to Master J, having hinted to him that she was ready for his commands. They were texting one another, as he touched himself, telling her what to do. She would comply, sending photo-proof of her completing “tasks.” At the end of every message, she addressed him as “Sir.” She doesn’t enjoy the term Master due to the ownership it portrays, but superiority is fine.
She knows herself. And hearing about a strong, beautiful woman giving herself to my Dom from all the way across the ocean…
There’s been a slow eruption. I can feel things heading to the surface, and its manifesting in ways: day dreams, actual dreams, the concoction of fantasies I’ve never had before, ideas and creativity, longing…
My husband has a sex friend. An online one. Her name is Lexi. And I’ve learned that not being involved has had such a potent effect on my desire for him, for this dynamic.
If he were to ask me again, which of the three – jealousy, arousal and compersion – is the strongest, I’d have to say the thrill comes from the combination. There’s no right answer. It’s just been a matter of listening to my involuntary responses to this process, to these new scenarios as they arise. And right now, I’m in a happy place. I feel at peace and excited and in love.
To long for Master J the way I do – even if part of that longing is influenced by an external source’s desire for him – it’s still ever present. It’s still burning, and I’m not ready to have it stifled. Perhaps one day, when we’re back in North America, the three of us will fulfill the fantasies we’ve all been dreaming of. But for now, looking out onto this mountainous view, my heart continues to rearrange itself. Because not only does the love I have for Master J continue to deepen, but so does the love and understanding I have for myself. With every new experience, the jealousy dies off a little, and is replaced with pride and satisfaction.
I am what I am.
And whether Lexi stays an online sex friend or not, every woman who captures a piece of Master J – be it his Dominant sexuality, his fondness, or something else – inadvertently, they capture a piece of me.
So, tell me, what fantasies do you have about your significant other?
Until next time,