One Hell of an Update (Good Luck)

Me, just dreaming of home time…


Pride, Snakes & Getting Kicked Off Tinder

Safe to say a lot has happened since my last blog post. It’s been twenty days of non-stop work, waking up at 7AM every day, getting sick (twice), missing Pride Week due to that said illness, finding a new (unwanted) admirer for Master J, and yes, you read that right: getting kicked off Tinder.

My life feels like a bit of a whirlwind at the moment. Spending six months 2100 metres above sea level, only having descended once, can make a person a bit squirrelly. If you don’t pay attention, days blend together, and nights become a season-long party, full of strippers, wine, and waking up with crippling anxiety.

Master J and I came into this winter season with the best of intentions:

  • Get a gym membership – CHECK
  • Prepare for USA – CHECK
  • Make an exercise program – CHECK
  • Execute program – mhmm…
  • No alcohol, eat healthy – uhmmm…?

Truth is, it’s been a trip. I’ve had extreme highs and some dark-ass lows, and regardless which side of the coin shows up, I’m only ever greeted with love, and encouragement. Master J has been both my rock and my soft place to land. I couldn’t have picked a better sidekick to take on this storm with me. Storm? More like a spring shower. He doesn’t like the rain, but he still stands there, umbrella overhead, watching me dance beneath the downpour.

I’m free.

I’m also not making too much sense so far…or so it feels. I think it’s because I have three weeks left here, and although I am beyond thrilled to see my friends and family, I also know this is the end of a chapter…a pivotal one. That can make someone a little scatter brained, no? I spent two hours at the gym today, trying to get my head on straight. It ended with me walking up to my apartment, overlooking the beautiful mountains that were, in fact, overlooking me. Tears surfaced, but never fell. I make friends with nature sometimes, and I guess I hadn’t realized just how close we’d gotten this time around. Anyway…it’s the end of a chapter. One that I may only ever return to in memory and journal entries. And yet, it’s still only the beginning. I’ve covered very little ground, and have so much more to do, see, say, feel… I guess I just hope the older I get, the lighter the path will become; that the sometimes overwhelming darkness will shift into something much less heavy. We all have our shadows, and I think I’ve accepted mine quite well. I guess I’m just hoping that we’ll all learn to cooperate together, me and my demons.

I find it hard to read the news. I’ve subscribed to “Happy News,” and receive a daily article. I can’t read negative instagram comments, even if they belong to someone else’s feed. I struggle immensely with people who discriminate or victim blame…this is random, I get it. But isn’t this entire article a bit random? I mean, look at the title!

Sometimes I just want to escape, you know? Like…buy an island, forget all social media – or media in general – give my coordinates to a select few people, that way they can visit whenever they want. Just lay back and forget about everything, the pain, the fear, the tragedies, the discomfort, the disagreements…but I guess that isn’t too courageous. And I’m in the business of being courageous. That’s why I’m still here, doing this online thing. So…I guess to wrap this word trap up, here’s my early conclusion for my season on top of a mountain:

  1. I didn’t quite find the peace I was after, but, I have something much more valuable: love.
  2. There’s this bar woman who’d been eyeing up Master J, but like, disrespectfully. I call her the Snake. She knew we were married and would be very deliberate about her gazes and words. Well, the Universe, as always, has my back, because she was fired. (And, for the record, no, I didn’t get her fired!)
  3. I’ve realized that this passion of mine – this calling – has very little to do with me, and everything to do with how deeply I can help people, therefore, to let fear stand in my way directly opposes my moral obligation to spread the kind of love, compassion and understanding that I so desperately wish to see in the world.
  4. I got kicked off of Tinder. Seems like the right ending to the season. I had no luck on it; frankly, I found it incredibly frustrating. For all you online dating veterans, I applaud you! You have some serious will power that I clearly don’t possess.
  5. In total I have been sick four times this season, which is more than I have been in the last year combined. Unfortunately it took me off the radar during Pride Week, which I had been looking forward to for months.
  6. Lexi is another human who’s fallen off the radar, and I can’t say I’m totally surprised/disappointed. The conversations were very one sided. I feel I know her life story, but she couldn’t recite a simple detail about mine. This is a two-way street, baby, and I expect a bit more from the people who want to fuck my hubby.

I’m lying in bed as I type this. Master J is beside me, watching movie trailers on his computer. This is a common pastime of ours. We’re artists, infomaniacs, movie buffs, nerds in our own way, and in love. He spent a good hour before I sat down to write this consoling my overwhelm and pleading with me to “just relax.” Even if my body is still, my mind never is…I guess that’s why I write. Why I’ve always written. It turns this mental swamp into a glass lake. And it ain’t perfect, but it’s a part of me that, even when I try to take breaks, try to go on a brief hiatus, it knocks at my subconscious. First lightly, but slowly rising to a crescendo, leaving this consistent white noise just humming in my brain until I place my fingers on the keyboard, or against a pen, and let it unfurl onto the screen, the paper.

I guess that’s what I’m doing here today. I’m sorry for that. And again, I’m not. Maybe I’ll share this, maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll stop pretending that writing is something I can choose to do, when in fact, it chose me…a long, long time ago.

So many great things to come. So many badass adventures. Thanks for sticking around…even when I find it hard to.

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