The rain had stopped in the city, and I’d been aching to feel the breeze on my skin again. I’d basically become a hermit in the Big Apple. The problem was, the apartment had been far too warm for any kind of kanoodling, so it felt like a good opportunity to get some of that in…with a little bit of pain, even more humiliation.
I hadn’t yet attended a TNG event. For those of you who aren’t familiar with this term, or think it’s a Star Trek reference – I assure you, in this context, it is not. TNG stands for “The Next Generation;” more specifically, the next generation of kinksters.
If you’ve ever gone to a sex/lifestyle club or event, you may have noticed the crowd tends to lean more “mature.” Dance floors and beds pulsing with hot, mid-centarian couples and singles who have (mostly) abandoned their insecurities, and have been in the kink game for some time: people who know what they like, and aren’t afraid to go after it.
TNG, as the name suggests, caters to the next generation – millennials seeking sexual liberation. TNG events are country wide, and aim to encourage any closeted (or uncloseted) kinksters to come meet and observe fellow hedonists. Best part? Event age restriction is 18 to 35. Not that I like to discriminate, but for a veteran kinkster, such as myself, the confidence that tends to accompany the older generations does not phase me; however, for a younger person or someone still exploring their own sexuality…it may be intimidating. TNG aims to create spaces – both social and for play – that are easy going and educational. My impression of the evening – which started with a munch, then moved to a private dungeon – was to bring younger folk together in a safe and pressure free zone.
For those interested in this kind of lifestyle or event, but are still feeling a bit weary, here are my takeaways and advice!
1. Attend a munch before a play party!
Most TNG events begin with a munch – a casual social gathering, in a neutral place, for BDSM practitioners, or those interested in the lifestyle. If you don’t already have a TNG membership, this is a great place to acquire one (it’s free). You can’t get into the play parties without it.
The munch itself is the best way to break the ice and make some connections prior to the party, as well as shamelessly ask questions about the lifestyle and events. This becomes more difficult at the party since people tend to get into their roles/characters, and merge into their scenes. This may make for awkward timing if you wish to introduce yourself.
Of course, it is still possible to make friends, as there are as many observers as there are participants. Just remember, it is not proper etiquette (and potentially dangerous) to interrupt a scene, or attempt to involve yourself with people you don’t know. That brings me to my next point…
2. Educate yourself on the etiquette of TNG parties!
Master J witnessed a very uncomfortable exchange at the dungeon. After hours of socializing during the munch, a young man decided, instead, to introduce himself to a woman at the play party. The woman was fairly new to the lifestyle, and had confided in Master J that she was seeking a D/s relationship – her, leaning more sub.
The conversation between her and the random was fairly normal, casual, until the guy abruptly (and impatiently) demanded, “so, are we gonna do some impact play now?” Embarrassed, and unsure how to respond, the young woman stuttered over her words until the man walked away.
This is a serious frustration of mine – especially as a sub. Many people who identify as Dom just assume that they can approach any sub and demand their desires. That is not how a D/s relationship (or any other sexual/romantic relationship) functions.
Because BDSM is such a high risk lifestyle, communication, trust and respect are critical. This includes trusting the person(s) you plan on participating with; pre-negotiation – speaking about and understanding the limits of the individuals involved; continuous communication – checking in before, during and after the scene, to be sure all parties are okay with what is happening (safe word already established); after care – making sure you tend to each other post-play, being sure the intense physical and psychological nature of the scene has been confronted, and all parties are feeling alright with each other, themselves, and everything that took place (this may be an emotional moment for one or all parties).
And those are just the basics!
So, for this man to just assume that, after a brief conversation with a very shy and new kinkster, he can just pull her into a D/s scenario is…horrifying. Why? Because not only was he unable to read (or acknowledge) her discomfort (which is the responsibility of a Dom), this kind of lack in knowledge and education leads to abuse, trauma, and a whole host of other psychological issues for the person being taken advantage of.
BDSM is dialogue! And it takes more than a ten minute conversation, or an evening, to build such a dynamic. When submissives give themselves over to a Dom, they are saying, “I trust you enough to have my body, and take care of my pleasure, while also giving into your desires.” That includes remaining within the boundaries that person laid out for the Dom, and understanding that the scene can stop at any given moment, should it be required by either party.
3. BDSM & nudity doesn’t always mean sex!
One of the most shocking elements of the evening for Master J and I was the fact that sexual interaction was prohibited. Nudity was allowed, but any type of sexual stimulation was forbidden. According to some of the TNG event supervisors, this is a fairly common rule across the board.
As a couple whose BDSM practice is deeply intertwined with our sexual expression (desire and arousal), this was a difficult pill to swallow. It was quite the tease to see whipping, spanking, and bondage, without getting a dicking (yes I just said that). For this reason, Master J and I observed without participating. Even if getting spanked in front of a room of leather-clad, whip wielding individuals was quite tempting.
4. Prepare for a dry evening!
As mentioned, because BDSM is such a high risk “sport” – and because TNG events tend to have lower-experienced crowds – most will be dry. By that I mean alcohol-free.
This may scare some people, because alcohol is their way of taking the “edge off;” however, it is important to get used to this type of experience with a clear head. Not only does it lower the risk of accidents, it also allows you to experience your body’s reactions in a natural state – which can bring on a high all its own!
We were permitted to have a few drinks during the munch; however, it is my assumption that if you are visibly intoxicated, you will be denied entery into the play party.
5. Welcome all!
I am always thrilled when I enter a room and every shape, size, colour, gender identity and sexual orientation are present. It’s a beautiful thing, and really paints a wonderful picture of the BDSM world. It’s all-inclusive, body-positive and non-discriminating. So, if you have any prejudices, I recommend you leave them at the door, or you may just get chewed up and spit out.
Even though the kanoodling was a no-go (guess my search for a sex playground is still underway), overall the TNG party was a great experience and I’d do it again. It’s a great way to connect with like-minded people, and expand your sexual horizons (even just through conversation). I met some awesome kinksters with wicked stories of their own. I intend on seeing them again during my time in NYC. These are the places friendships are built – authenticity is at it’s finest.
So, tell me, have you ever been to a TNG party or similar event? If not, what is the likelihood that you’d attend one?
For TNG Events, search events in your area on Fetlife, Meet Up and Eventbrite.
Until next time,
Fuck well, friends!