This is a unique one. I’m blasting The Bones by Maren Morris as I write this….if you don’t know it, get on Spotify and take a listen. There’s something about the sound, something about the message…
I’m a person of many passions, many talents (or so I’ve been told). Writing has been a life source of mine. I experience physical pain (literally) if I don’t release consistently. This may be one of the most intimate articles I’ll write. Before you get excited though, I’ll tell you straight away…it’s not that kind of ‘intimate.’ I’m plucking something from my chest and placing it on the page, sharing it with you. I may walk away from this screen black and blue on the inside…That’s how hard it is for me to express this.
I’ve been insecure. Not all the time, but recently I’ve caught myself sliding down the rabbit hole. The walls, slicker with little to grasp. All of my experience in this place has sanded it down, and even though I’ve been here before, the harder it seems to get out. Perhaps it’s the expectation I have for myself: “I thought you beat this!” Or “You’ve been here before, get on with the healing…”
We’re in the homestretch of the hard times
We took a hard left, but we’re alright
Yeah, life sure can try to put love through it, but
We built this right, so nothing’s ever gonna move it.
The Universe keeps sending me signals. I know this. Those lyrics are my truth, yet I’m afraid. I’ll be real…I’ve followed through with very few things in my life. I just accepted an offer with a company that feels too good to be true. The hubby and I found a place to live, with a plan to own within the next year. I’m now living in the part of the country I dreamed of since I was a little girl. I remember days in the library just researching Georgia and all it had to offer.
I’ve checked so many things off the list, yet, the list just keeps going. I’ve spent more time focussing on knocking things out, then breathing in the victories.
So, I repeat, I’ve followed through with very few things in my life.
You can read that and see how untrue it is, right? I just finished saying all the beautiful things I’ve achieved in the last THREE MONTHS; a mere fraction of my life’s treasures, yet…
I’ve been insecure. I’ve built a strong exterior. I’ve gained control in areas I forfeited a long time ago. When I walk into unfamiliar places, I create standards in my brain, and cut pieces of myself off to strangers who would like to get to know me, and have given me no reason to fear them. Yet, I do.
I think back to a speech I gave in high school. I wrote the words in a similar way I write this. The feeling was there, the passion flowing, the fear, front and center. I believed in it, yet when I was asked to share it with my peers, I rushed through, looking to get it over with because I felt inferior and scared. Who am I to quote Marianne Williamson, and think I can move these people to think bigger and love themselves?
There it is, the truth. The universal flaw: I’m not good enough. What makes me special? Why do I deserve to be in this spotlight with all those in the dark staring back at me?
It’s heavy. It feels real heavy, guys. And I’m just playing this song on repeat, sitting in front of this irony (see image below), a part of me understanding I’ve let great moments fly by due to straight up terror! Terror without a source…
I’ve considered the fact that maybe I suffer from depression. I’m half the textbook definition: despondent…
But then the Universe pulls through in incredible ways, and I have this unyielding faith that she’ll have my back. I’ve never been proven wrong. I gave up coaching, only to be discovered by a consulting firm who adores me and literally teaches the exact same philosophies I’ve shared with Clients and Loved Ones. They are on the way to building an empire that focuses on one main thing:
THE HUMAN, and how before anything else, love, kindness and attitude will empower you! How? Because when you empower others, life becomes richer. There’s a whole lot of wealth to earn and share, and it doesn’t start with that green stuff (or blue or purple, if you’re from Canada). They found ME, I didn’t find them. It’s like the Universe struck down in the form of a small, southern blonde, took me by the shoulders, looked me dead in the eye and said, “I’m here, bitch. Don’t try to doubt me, because you deserve better than that! So does everyone you come across.”
Ouch! Hallelujah! Awakening! But then, this message also falls into my lap, and I receive a deep shutter of uncertainty…imposter syndrome. They see something I’m not! The wheels are spinning folks, and I’ve only gone a 1/4 mile, there’s a lot of terrain to cover.
When the bones are good, the rest don’t matter.
I breathe. In these moments I breathe, I move inward and get real with myself. I search for the underlying thing – the fear and what it’s really attached to. Where it comes from, what it’s trying to tell me…
There’s a cycle of self-sabotage! And it’s slowly killing me…
There it is. One of my fundamental beliefs: if you aren’t growing, you’re shrinking. There’s no such thing as standing still, because maintenance is required, otherwise things fall apart.
I heard this brilliant thing this morning by a veteran named Jocco – a retired Navy SEAL. If you don’t know much about SEALS, let me tell you – I’ve had a very quick education living in the South – they TOUGH. And he said something along the lines of:
We’ve all heard, ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day.’ Well, guess what? It also didn’t fall apart in a day. Change, success, even failure, are a process. Gains require consistent discipline and will – a relentless pursuit. Failure is simply the wearing down of these things over time. You’re either slowly building things up, or slowly tearing them down. Your excuses are lies – just justifications for the easy path.
My heart was pounding when I was hearing this. Why? Because I KNOW it’s true. My own father spent years attempting to instil this in his children (only took in a couple, sorry dad). It hit me like a fucken ton of bricks…or maybe they lifted, because let’s face it, I’ve been building a house on these shoulders for a long time…
I’m afraid to be myself because at 28 years old, I’m still not sure who that looks like. I know what appeals to me, a style I feel most comfortable in, what makes me laugh…but those are only pretty fragments. Deep dark honesty will reveal that I’m a martyr. I will actually place myself in uncomfortable situations to make someone else feel comfortable. I apologize CONSTANTLY. On some basic, unconscious level I feel guilty to take up space. I don’t believe I deserve to breathe the same air as, well, anyone else.
Phew…told you it was heavy.
So, what’s the solution? I’ve spent my life trying to make other people like me by way of shrinking myself, by way of looking after their needs before my own, by avoiding conflict, even if it tended to cause more. I used to say “yes” to plans with multiple friends in one day, believing I could please them all, without feeling totally burnt out. I actually thought I could bend the restraints of time. And when I couldn’t, guess what happened? The thing I feared most: I let a lot of people down. Many friends, many family members…myself. I’ve always been the “nice” one. The person with the big heart. The problem is, I’ve tried so desperately to keep up with this expectation, I’ve started to shatter…
I can feel the cycle. I spent nearly my whole life building it, unconsciously and consistently over time, so why would it be different now?
My father said something to me last night that shook me: the difference between the people who write those [self-help] books you read, and the ones that read them is simple: action.
My confidence has been so deeply intertwined with the opinions and perceived expectations of others, that I’ve gotten more used to adapting to them (to you) than I have to my own rhythm. I’m the record that’s trying to play the box, instead of turning up the volume on my own message. Trust me, I’ve got a lot to say…
As I said before: so, what’s the solution? It’s a process, it’s a step-by-step awareness. A lot of patience and mindfulness. Taking moments in the day to just sink into my awesomeness, and BELIEVE that it exists. But, it’s also about finding my truth – the things that expand me, not contract me. The people. The places. The passions. The hobbies. The lifestyle. It’s about trusting and respecting MYSELF, know I’m worth the follow through…
Sexuality has been a part of my awakening, and I’m beyond grateful for the discoveries I’ve made over the last few years, but now my soul requires a change of pace. If I’ve learned anything about expecting others to raise my self-esteem, it’s this:
So, I’m going to go full tilt in the other direction. Something I’ve always known on a fundamental level, but have never fully implemented. Where do I start? Finding those things – the expansion. COTQ has been a huge piece of that, but it’s time to broaden it. As the website says, “self discovery is freedom,” and it’s time to come at it with a wholistic approach! It’s time that I respect my decisions, my passions, and my goals. How can I expect anyone to believe in my abilities if I don’t believe in them myself?
All of this to say…the track is changing. I’ve been running through weeds, but instead of carrying on, I’m going back a few miles to grab the lawn mower, and I’m tearing this shit down. In order to help others think bigger and love themselves, I gotta be an example to myself first. My purpose in the spotlight is to stand in my power, and let it ignite something within you, that way ya’ll can glow alongside me.
It’s all a progress, and sometimes in order to rebuild, you gotta start from scratch, because the house don’t fall when the bones are good…
(Breathe that in for a minute…)
So, friends, what’s a goal you’ve been putting off? What’s something that you KNOW could expand you, yet you’ve been avoiding/telling yourself lies [making excuses] to get out of it?
Until next time,
Fuck well, friends…and crush it!