Two years ago, the Quean was born. It’s been fun, but life is made up of seasons, chapters, and it’s looking like this one has come to an end. This blog fed a part of my soul, and judging by the feedback I’ve been receiving over the last couple of weeks, I think it’s safe to say it’s fed a few of yours, too.
Like most things that come to an end, there’s this bitter-sweetness. It was humbling to receive such love, when this whole platform came from a place of anxiety. Hitting PUBLISH for the first time was both terrifying and exhilarating. I remember where I was: Whitney Bar, Tignes, France. I was wearing all black, in my blonde wig. It’s funny how the simple press of a button can make one feel so naked, exposed…free.
My hope for this site was always to inspire others to be themselves, no matter what that looked like. So long as that authenticity creates a positive wave in the world, we shouldn’t deny it. I can’t tell you if it’s a result of how I was raised, or how I was made – always the nature vs nurture debate – but I’ve only ever wanted to create space for people to be who they are, and to help them create that same space for others.
Look, this blog, despite what some have thought, didn’t have a large following…
COTQ was a minuscule pebble thrown into an enormous pond. From way up high, you wouldn’t even notice it…but focus back in to where that pebble landed, and you’ll see it. That tiny ripple. It only lasted a few seconds on the surface, but it flowed downward, impacting everything within its tiny diameter. If you’re reading this now, you were in my zone; a part of my impact. Thank you…
Even though this is goodbye, it’s also an invitation to step up in the world. What parts of you have you been holding back out of fear? What pieces of your soul are being pushed down?
When Master J first met me, he described me as a bird in a cage. I now use that metaphor; however, I wasn’t simply a bird in a cage. I was the bird ramming itself against the sides of the cage. I knew I wanted to be free, but wasn’t quite sure what that meant, or what needed to be done in order to get there. There were so many other elements holding me in place, that the only control I seemed to have was self-destructive. For a long time I blamed a specific toxic relationship for that self-loathing, and self-harm. I recognize now, through my own self-development, that putting that kind of blame on a single person was my way of rerouting the responsibility I had for and of myself. It was never his fault. Yes, he made choices and said things that were unnecessary and unfair, but I stayed. Me. My response to the world is up to me. That was really where my control lied.
I was impressionable, superficial, and hadn’t quite figured out my own self-worth. If I had, I never would have quit on my registration to Oxford University for a relationship; I wouldn’t have given up music for partying; I wouldn’t have focussed my entire energies on looking a certain way, rather than being a great friend to the people I love. I wouldn’t have let the seemingly “easy” path take precedent over the things I deeply, truly desired.
But I did.
And as much as that all sounds heart breaking, I also know things happen for a reason. Without any of those errors in judgement, I never would have written my first novel. I never would have met the love of my life. I wouldn’t be living in the place I dreamt to live nearly my entire life. I wouldn’t be speaking a second language, or be financially independent. I wouldn’t be taking music lessons again, or creating a writing habit! I wouldn’t be working alongside a coach I deeply admire. I wouldn’t be the me I am today…
By removing the blame. By accepting the past. By moving on, and allowing myself to change through the seasons of my life – becoming more and more self aware – I veered back onto the right path. We get mislead sometimes. We misjudge, we blame, we fear, but in the end, if you just sit with yourself for a moment or two every day, that noise will quiet itself enough for you to begin understanding the workings of your own spirit, and the direction it wishes to take.
Two years ago, COTQ was my direction, my path, my fate. I know this to be true because the Universe showed me in a multitude of ways that who I was becoming was no accident. Trust yourself. Trust life, and know that there is no such thing as the end – only beginnings. So, as I say my goodbyes and wish you all well, let this be an invitation – the opening of a door, if you will – to tap into the pieces of yourself that you’ve been hiding, ignoring or repressing. No two things in nature are the same, yet they’re all spectacular. What makes you the exception? Nothing.
You are an extension of the Universe, and no one – not even you – can take that away.
Until our paths meet again,
You all know what to do!