Today’s submission is from a woman named Jane.
Jane and her husband have an open relationship and have fallen in love with two women. These women know about each other and share mutual feelings with the married couple.
Together, Jane and Cory have decided to ask one of the women to move in with them.
Cory believes that Jane should be making the selection, but the trouble is, both Jane and Cory love these women equally. Which brings us to Jane’s two-fold question:
1. How can she choose between two women she loves?
2. How can she gradually get used to sharing her space with the selected woman?
Jane’s husband is also struggling in helping her decide, as he feels strongly for both partners. Jane and Cory agreed, however, that having both move in would be too complicated in their situation.
Because Jane asked for both mine and James’ perspective, we chose to respond to this QLQ in audio format.
Enjoy!
P.S. Keep scrolling for a written summary of our response!
Author’s Note: Views, thoughts and opinions expressed in Quean Life Query responses are that of the authors’, and are based on the limited information provided by anonymous submissions. Responses should be used for informational purposes only and are not intended as professional/medical advice. We always encourage our inquirers to take time and determine what is best for them and their partners, based on their life circumstances and goals, and seek professional advice when needed.
Names have been changed to protect the anonymity of those who submit queries.
Having Another Woman in Your Space
James and I did not respond to this question in the audio clip, and therefore I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the concern.
Both James and I believe that you, Jane, should take your own advice, which is to have her gradually move into your space.
Like most changes in life, they need to happen steadily. Think of it as an evolution of sorts.
By going slow, you can pay attention to how you’re feeling throughout the process and adjust when/where necessary. Also, a steady process can prevent overwhelm for the new resident.
How to do this?
Communicate!
We sound like a broken record here, but communication will help mitigate stress and keep everyone on the same page. If you start feeling uncomfortable about another woman moving into your space, voice your concerns. Lean on the people you love and create a plan together.
If we’ve understood anything about your situation, it’s that you are far from being alone. Let your husband and your partner in on your fears and discomforts, set boundaries when needed, and remember you can always take a pause.
Examples of what “taking it slow” may look like:
<3 Spend more time together before moving in. Plan sleepovers, or extended weekends at your home. Get used to her being in your space before she moves in.
<3 Speak about routine and what daily life looks like for everyone. This will remove any shocking incongruities in schedules, sleep patterns, work requirements, etc. Get a snapshot of what living together will look like beforehand and make compromises if/when possible.
<3 Empty out a closet or dresser for her to start storing some things at your home.
Ultimately, the goal is to ensure everyone involved is excited about the situation. If you need assistance in navigating this area, booking sessions with a relationship coach or therapist is always beneficial.
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How to Choose Between Two Women You Love
The big questions: how can Jane choose between two women she loves?
In short, James and I believe Jane should consider the following…
Has there been transparency across the board with everyone involved?
Make sure that all critical conversations have been had! By speaking about what matters, your path forward may be made clearer. Some topics to cover:
<3 Speak about values: sex, money, parenting, and other critical elements of your lifestyle/beliefs.
<3 Are both women fully informed on your expectations and plans?
<3 Have both women been given the space to express their future goals and desires? Do these things align, or at least work in conjunction with yours?
<3 When you become a mother, what does the parenting look like? Has this been discussed with both women?
<3 How do the women feel about co-parenting your child? How much do they want to be involved?
<3 Do they also want to become pregnant at some point and how does that fit into your plan?
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Is there any room for creative alternatives to choosing one over the other?
<3 Do they absolutely have to move in? Could they be in your life from a distance? If so, would it be fulfilling for everyone?
<3 Is one woman’s living situation trickier than the other, and moving them in would uncomplicate certain aspects of the relationship?
<3 Picture you and your husband in 5-10 years, what do you see? Who do you see?
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Final thoughts and suggestions:
<3 What is your gut telling you – is there even the slightest, instinctive pull towards one woman over the other?
<3 What are your closest friends and loved ones telling you? Is there someone who you trust (outside of these women and your husband), who you can speak to about this? It should be someone who knows you well and wants the best for you and Cory.
<3 Speak to the two women about the difficulties of the situation. How they respond may help reveal which path to take.
<3 Reach out any time if you want to continue the conversation with James and I!
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Jane, we appreciate your trust on this topic and wish you all the best. We would love to hear the happy ending to this story!
Until then,
Thanks for your QLQ!
Q.
P.S. Don’t forget to submit your own Quean Life Query, and have your question anonymously posted and answered by yours truly!
Published every Wednesday!
I’m not sure if you can plan a relationship like that over a 10-year period.
Hi Christian, I’m not sure what you mean exactly.