Back in 2018, when I brought my cuckquean fantasy online, my inbox was inundated with cis-male approval:
“This is so hot!”
“Your husband is the luckiest man alive!”
“How do I find a woman like you?”
If I’m being entirely honest, this kind of attention decelerated my fantasy, as it was deeply triggering.
In my culture, most women grow up hearing things like:
Be careful, boys just want one thing.
Men think with the wrong head.
Men are dangerous…
And around and around and around we go.
These messages, unfortunately, are reinforced by bad male behaviour throughout the lifespan.
When I began receiving these messages, I was reminded that my husband was having his cake and eating it too. I wondered, “maybe my husband only wants one thing!”
Was I a fool for opening that door?
Of course, this is a very harsh generalization and I have to believe that most men are caring, wonderful people (otherwise I’ll die, I’ll just die), but let me explain something:
Being a cuckquean seems to solidify certain people’s belief that men have a greater sexual appetite, and that I am a “good wife” for feeding it.
Since I’ve always been a high desire individual, these comments aggravate me.
Again, a man (my husband) is praised and admired for my desire. His “masculinity” is validated because of my fantasy.
My pleasure brings James reverence. On the flipside…
When speaking to women about cuckqueaning, the opposite often occurs:
Friend: How can that woman be so careless with her sexuality?
Me: But James and I are doing the same thing?
Friend: Ya, but that’s okay. You’re happily married. Just be careful she doesn’t get too close to James.
As a sex writer, I often forget these oppositions exist; that the unicorn is perceived as some succubus who wants to steal my husband or take advantage of our situation.
(For the record: our female partners have only ever been open, honest, and vigilant in seeking enthusiastic consent.)
Can you see why this is complicated?
On one hand, we have my husband’s inflated status amongst hungry men; on the other, we have women (with a buttload of internalized misogyny) attempting to contain female sexuality, especially the unwed ones. Then there’s invisible me, the one who started it all; the one at risk of having her husband thieved by some “slut”.
Have I made the double standard glaringly obvious enough?
Gender and sexuality are not intrinsically connected! There are so many other things at play – like cultural messaging and social conditioning. Dr. Zhana speaks about this often – a couple of examples can be found here and here!
Many men who express desire for multiple sexual encounters are also the men who slut-shame women for having them. If you want to find partners who enjoy sex, stop telling them their shameful for that enjoyment! Stop revering men like my husband and reducing me to my fantasy…
You are creating a sex-negative catch-22.
The same goes for people who believe that all men just want one thing…
My cuckquean fantasy turns me on. My husband’s pleasure turns me on. But believing that all men want this kind of thing is both inaccurate and irrelevant to me.
For me, sexuality is sacred in the way that it is individual.
The number of men that have reached out to me with their own struggles because they don’t fit the “I want to fuck all sorts of women” bill, is immense. Because we continue to make assumptions about people’s sexuality, many of us repress our urges and desires, live in shame and fear.
Masculinity is not fed by the number of women one “conquers”.
That would indicate there are no masculine gay men.
There are no masculine submissive men.
There are no masculine cuckolds.
It’s just all sorts of wrong.
I am happy my husband and I are having the sex we enjoy – that we always dreamed we would have.
My goal for COTQ is to normalize other narratives – real narratives about people that have all sorts of desires, including no desire at all!
To my dear reader who submitted this inquiry:
I really hope you find what you’re looking for. Your pleasure is important, as is the pleasure of other men who have differing desires than yours.
I take no particular pleasure in knowing men fantasize about having a “woman like me.”
To be frank, I tend to find it demeaning. I am a whole person, not just a cuckquean. Other women are not less than because they don’t share in my cuckness. It is a singular part of my wonderful, complex person. Please, try to see me as that; try to see potential partners as that:
Thanks for your QLQ .
P.S. Don’t forget to submit your own Quean Life Query , and have your question anonymously posted and answered by yours truly!
Published every Wednesday!