No, I do not have children.
Not only do I not have children, but I don’t want children. Never have.
Now, before you start thinking, “Oh, you’re young, you’ll change your mind,” let me remind you that I am 31 years old. I’ve lived in my own body and mind my entire life, and at no point has this desire (or lack thereof) budged.
I do not want to be a mother.
But, for the naysayers and the randoms who think they know me better than I know myself, let’s play devil’s advocate for a sec. Say there was a world where Quean Mo existed and decided that, afterall, she wanted kids. James and I have discussed this at length, and I am (we are) firm in my (our) belief that motherhood (or fatherhood) does not = having biological children.
If that hypothetical/alternate-universe Quean Mo changed her mind, she would adopt.
I have zero desire to carry or birth a child. Plus, I have 7 nephews and 2 nieces – I love being the crazy, travelling aunt, who, upon arrival, showers them in love and giggles. I love being the aunt that can whisk them away to foreign lands and expose them to cultures and languages unlike their own.
I love being the aunt that my nieces and nephews can come to when they are excited, sad, uncertain or worried about something they don’t feel comfortable speaking to their parents (or grandparents) about.
I love being the aunt that creates safe spaces where my nieces and nephews have no pressure to be anything but their wonderful, whole selves.
I do not feel unfulfilled in my life without children of my own. In fact I feel the opposite. I feel grateful.
Not wanting to be a mom has nothing to do with lack of independence. I know many parents who balance their family life with being social or taking up hobbies of their own.
It isn’t about the state of the planet (although, that is supporting material for me).
It isn’t about my body or the state of my finances, relationships, self-esteem…
I just don’t want kids. Full stop.
If one of my nieces or my nephews came to me in desperation and said, “I need a place to stay,” I’d open the door for them. I’m not a monster. I’m just not a mother. This does not impact how I feel as a woman, how I feel about my femininity, nor does it deteriorate my perspective on life. It doesn’t make me less of an adult, nor does it make James and I less of a family.
Not having children is a conscious choice, and I exercise my power to choose every day knowing that there are women around the world who can’t do the same. I am conscious of this and for that reason I do not take my decision lightly. I am grateful, I am privileged. I know this.
You may be wondering:
What about James?
What are his thoughts on all of this?
James and I met in line at Wonderland – an amusement park in Toronto – in October of 2014. The line for the rollercoaster was 90 minutes long. It was basically an unplanned first date. He was in front of me, and he spent the entire 90 minutes ignoring his group of friends to chat up my sister and me. Within that 90-minute conversation he learned a few vital things about me:
- Travelling is a deep, deep passion we share.
- I have trouble understanding French accents (8 years later, I’m still struggling).
- I don’t want children.
At the beginning James thought I didn’t want children because I hadn’t met the right man yet. He quickly realised that no external circumstance could change this about me. So, he had a choice to make… No spoilers here: he was cool with it.
“Having kids has never been the goal in my life.” James told me.
He said that if it had happened in his past because everything aligned in that way, fine. But he is 38 years old now, and he wants a child as much as he wants a dog…
Which is exactly 0%.
James and I did what I wish more people would do:
TALK about the big things as early as possible.
Giving James this information upfront allowed him to make an informed decision on whether to invest his time and emotions in a relationship with me. He was reflective and honest, not deceitful or secretly thinking he could change my mind.
I believe people need to choose a life path that works best for them; one that best serves their dreams and goals and desires. I’ve known from a very young age that children were not in my future, and I’ve honoured that part of myself. I hope that more and more people have the freedom and self-awareness to do the same.
Thanks for your QLQ .
P.S. Do you have or want children? Comment below!
P.P.S. Don’t forget to submit your own Quean Life Query and have your question anonymously posted and answered by yours truly!
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One thought on “QLQ: Do you have children?”
My wife and I did not want children.
then, out of inattention, we had a son.
We love our son. Who is now grown up and has his own small children.
But we believe until today, our life would have been different without a child, but also very good. No one has to justify their wishes.