Dan Savage says I’m not a cuckquean (and he might be right)

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How you experience your own sexuality and the terminology (if any) you use to describe it is no one’s business but your own. But, because I write about my sex life and post it here for all to see, I feel the need to share this… 

I believe language is important. Crucial, in fact. However, we aren’t all linguistically gifted or inclined, nor have we all received the same level (or type) of education. Linguistic intelligence is a thing, but everyone has their limits (me included). Which brings me to this:

When I read the following article by Dan Savage, I felt both ridiculous and gleefully reflective, as it puts much of what I’ve written into question…

Am I a cuckquean?

Article Here > Savage Love: There’s a difference between being a ‘cuckquean’ and just practicing ‘hothusbanding’

Dan Savage writes:

“…a woman into hot husbanding enjoys “sharing” her husband with other women. (All this sharing, of course, is consensual.) …And cuckqueans aren’t sharing their husbands. They’re being “cheated on” by their husbands. Cuckolds and cuckqueans, by definition, don’t just wanna see their spouses fucking another person, they also want their partners to humiliate and degrade them. (I put “cheated on” in quotes because the “cheating” is consensual and symbolic; likewise, “sharing” is in quotes above because spouses aren’t property.)”

Before I express my feelings on this, let’s go back a few chapters…

2018 in Portugal

In 2018, my husband, his best friend and I went to Porto, Portugal together. During that trip I found out our friend had never been to a stripjoint, and felt it was my immediate duty to check that box for him. When we got there, we sat two rows away from the tiny, corner stage, and within fifteen minutes, a curvy goddess began to dance.

Without going into the details of how this changed my life (you can find that here, under A Stripper Saved My Life), I recognized my desire for my husband to be with other women.

This was the catalyst to my pleasure journey and the creation of this blog. 

Discovering the Cuckquean 

After I confided in my husband about my fantasy, he sought out answers on his own. It is he who discovered the word cuckquean, and upon hearing it for the first time, I felt validated.

When I speak of the importance of language, it includes the power it has to make us feel seen, understood, a part of a whole. It reminds us that we aren’t alone in this existence – that our feelings and desires are not exclusive or abnormal.

I soldered the term cuckquean to my identity, and have been creating a part-time writing career in its name. That word means so much to me.

Submission as a Starting Point

To get a clear picture, it’s important to understand my relationship in my D/s dynamic. 

At the beginning of my relationship, submission played an important role. It allowed me to explore my own pleasure without having to assert myself in the bedroom.  

As an anxious person, expressing myself to others has always been a major obstacle for me (especially in the bedroom), and my relationship was not exempt from this at that time. Luckily, my partner understood this about me, and we were able to create a sexual space that was both pleasurable and exploratory for the two of us. We set parameters and established simple safe words that gave me a sense of security and control I’d never felt in a sexual context before.  

Within my sub space, I was able to reach parts of myself that I’d never reached before; I was becoming more aware of my needs, more confident in verbalizing those needs, and consequently (and unexpectedly), my submissive avatar began to shift.

Cuckquean Beginnings

Dan Savage writes:

“We have lots of words to describe letting your partner fuck other people—open, monogamish, swinging, mate-swapping, hotwifing, hothusbanding, stag and vixen, CNM—but we only have one word to describe letting your partner fuck other people while getting off on being humiliated and degraded: cuckolding.” (Also cuckqueaning)

At the beginning of this journey, I was much more (sexually) submissive than I am now. The cuckquean fantasy that was birthed in Portugal was simple:

I wanted my husband to dominate another submissive as I watched from a secondary, submissive perspective. 

I would be untouched, but “forced” to watch my husband give another woman pleasure, as well as receive it. (“Forced” is in quotes because it is a consensual play).

In that was an element of degradation and humiliation. Therefore, if we hold it up against Dan Savage’s explanation, then yes, I was a cuckquean.

Clarity and Jealousy

If Dan Savage’s article made me realize anything, it’s that I haven’t taken a look at the progression of my own sexuality in specific terms.

As Dan Savage says, calling myself a cuckquean when humiliation and degradation are not involved, well “it confuses rather than clarifies.” And the last thing I want to do is confuse.

My sexual confidence blossomed in the throes of submission and my cuckquean fantasy; however, they’ve changed form. For example, my original submissive avatar was obedient and serving. Today, she’s a straight up brat. She’s playful, demanding, and a bit of a rocket. She enjoys pain and derogatory words (i.e., slut, whore, etc.), but finds them empowering rather than degrading.

The cuckquean that was once tied to a chair, neglected while watching her husband please another woman is currently on leave. I do find myself fantasizing about my husband going off with a complete stranger though. I envision their hot, passionate sex, and him forgetting about me entirely. The truth of the matter is, I’m not ready to bring that into reality.

I do, however, love my jealousy.

My jealousy is a bonding tool for me. It burns deliciously in my chest any time my husband looks at, flirts with or fucks someone else. 

My jealousy is a guiding light, igniting my pride over the depth of our love and the pleasure my husband provides (to me and others). It reminds me that we are not the source of each other’s pleasure – we are our own source of pleasure, but can happily use one another to get there.

My cuckquean fantasy made me fall in love with my jealousy. It turned a difficult, albeit, oftentimes debilitating emotion into something fiery and appetizing. Which begs the question:

Is jealousy not a product of some form of degradation…? 

A touch of worry? 

The fear of being less-than, replaced, abandoned? 

Even if that degradation is self-induced, self-originated, born from a subconscious part of me, does it not still provoke the same response as an external source?

Within the boundaries of my own desires lives the need for that touch of fear. It lights me up, stirs my gratitude, and makes me ravenous.

In other words, it inspires my desire, which is my favorite state of being.

Is that not then a symptom of the cuckquean? (Thoughts?)

The Consistent Fantasy

Regardless of my intent, perhaps I have caused further confusion. This is the trouble with language and the complexity of pleasure. What I can say clearly, however, is this:

I enjoy sharing my husband.

The way in which he pursues partners is dependent on:

1. Our connection with that person
2. What turns me on about the interaction with that specific partner; which leads to…
3. The context of that interaction based on everyone’s needs and wants

In other words, not all partners are made the same. 

They don’t all inspire the same desire in me (nor I in them). On rare occasions, I like joining; however, that doesn’t always mean I participate. Sometimes I’m the untouchable force in the room. Other times, I’m dead center, in the mix of it all. But, more often than not, I’m in a separate room, entirely uninvolved in my husband’s sexual engagements.

If I were to give a general term to my sexuality at this point in my life, hothusbanding fits the bill. How it happens depends on so many things; but those things do not change the fact that I like sharing him. 

That is my consistent fantasy.

My cuckness may ebb and flow, but my Quean-ness will never disappear. I am still the pleasure-hungry slut I’ve always been. I still love writing about cuckqueaning, but maybe this will open a door to a broader range of Quean-ness. Hothusbanding being a beautiful starting point…

A Final Note

Finding the words that bring a sense of relief to you is the most important thing. If you’re like me and you started in one place but have grown or outgrown certain aspects of your sexual self, it doesn’t mean you’re required to retire the words that first liberated you. It may just mean you get to add new ones to your sexual dossier. 

You are responsible for your own life and your own pleasure, and how you define those things is up to you.  

Right now, I’m a bratty Quean with a hothusbanding fetish, and about a thousand secondary desires. I’m gonna keep using pleasure as my compass, and continue this path of self-discovery. 

I wish nothing but the same for you…

Until next time,

Fuck well, friends!

Quean Mo xx

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P.S. What are your thoughts? Do you have trouble finding words that describe your sexuality? Have those terms changed over time?
Let me know in the comments below!