The night after James and I met, he slept over at his FWB’s house. When I found this out later in our relationship, I freaked out. I was in the mindset that if he had really felt something that night, he wouldn’t have thought about another woman the very next day…
I feel ridiculous admitting that.
He and his FWB, whom we’ll call Fran, had been seeing each other for six weeks prior to us meeting and shared mutual friends. They were fond of each other, but not romantically. James and I had been dating for about two months when I discovered they’d had a final hoorah the day after we’d met. It didn’t matter that they’d been friends, let alone had a sexual relationship (or simply that he had a right to do whatever the heck he wanted because we weren’t exclusive – we literally just met). Nope! My jealousy was stuck on one detail:
He slept with someone after our romantic, wonderful, joyous meetcute (i.e., how the fuck dare he?).
I share this with you for two reasons:
- It’s important to show my growth in this area. Nowadays, my jealousy is (usually!) a pleasurable emotion for me. I want to offer hope to those who may still be pricked by its poisonous thorns.
- I have since had fantasies about James and Fran together! (Read: Dear Hot Husband; Head, Shoulders, Knees and Blows)
In an ideal world, yes, I would only experience arousal by James having a regular FWB. In fact, it’s something we are hoping to pursue once we’re settled. But, I can’t deny the fears that I have. For example:
- James and his FWB having greater adventures in bed than him and I do
- The repercussions of emotional attachment (should it occur on either side)
The light at the end of the tunnel is twofold:
First, I do want James (and I) to make friends in this space; friends we can have experiences with, be it together or not.
Secondly, every new experience dilutes these fears and brings James and I closer. Our relationship remains a priority, and as we explore, we learn what we need and want. Of course, that requires space for error; it’s especially in those moments, when we come together to recalibrate, that our bond strengthens.
So, to answer your question:
Yes, it would turn me on if James had a regular sex friend. But there would be stipulations. I must get to know and trust the woman. It doesn’t mean we have to be friends, but I need to feel good about her. Secondly, I’d need her to understand, and be okay with (even turned on by) James sharing all the details of their time together. She’d have to be comfortable communicating needs and desires, and be open to hearing ours; accepting that, as a metamour, my voice will be heard.
Lastly, James’ pleasure is as important as mine or his FWB, so we’d need to find a compatible partner with whom he can fully express his sexuality.
So, wish us luck this year! Who knows where that special person will be.
Thanks for your QLQ.
P.S. Don’t forget to submit your own Quean Life Query and have your question anonymously posted and answered by yours truly! Published every Wednesday (or once your QLQs run out)!