As a cuckquean, I get all the feels. Jealousy, pleasure, guilt, joy, uncertainty, gratitude, doubt– you name it, I’ve felt it.
This week’s QLQ reveals a fellow Royal who also experiences the complex range of emotions caused by desire and fantasy. Here is her original inquiry (note: English is not their first language):
Hello there, I knew about Quean Mo long time ago, because of my needs as a Cuckquean. I’ve always wanted to see my partner with different women, seeing him take advantage of my kink but at the same time I’m always being so masochist, that my own thoughts hurt me a lot, and my pessimistic personality takes away the joy of being me. He’s the best, also we had the opportunity to have sex with a friend but he didn’t do it because it wasn’t the right moment, but I was crazy about it, I’d insisted but we didn’t do it. We have a real fun, lovely life, we don’t have romantic issues either, it’s all nice. The major problem is that I’m seeking this experience but at the same time I’m suffering with my own imagination after I got horny, isn’t that crazy? He’s always there for me, helping me out with everything but I’m scared of the decisions I could take without thinking straight…I imagine you can relate to this feeling…?
Well, that being said, I hope you read me someday.
PS: Sorry if my English is not clear enough, I’m learning though.
As always, I want to thank this Royal for their courage. I know this is an anonymous inquiry, but it’s still a deeply vulnerable subject. Desire can feel complex, especially if our relationship to sex and pleasure was built on contradicting messages.
In my post, Aroused and Confused: A Letter to the Apprehensive Quean, I speak in depth about the dichotomy of wanting and resisting–usually out of fear. Let’s be real for a second, our world is predominantly sex-negative and shamey. This is thanks to many things, such as:
<3 Historical associations of shame and sin around sex being passed down
<3 Lack of comprehensive sex education
<3 Objectification and exploitation of women and marginalized groups
<3 Religious beliefs and purity culture
<3 Risk of violence, reputational risk, unwanted pregnancies, STIs, etc. (especially for individuals raised as girls)
Depending on where you grew up, who you grew up around, and what you were taught, you may experience friction around relationships and desire.
On top of all that, our world is monogamy-centric. It’s just the dang truth. Therefore, the desire of sharing one’s partner is bound to be accompanied by some challenging emotions.
Based on your message, it sounds like you’re in a stable relationship. You are romantically connected, and he supports you; this is a great foundation to build on.
The first step is to accept your conflicting feelings; know they are valid.
Secondly, understanding that these desires you have are being challenged, not by you per se, but a host of pre-conditioning and potentially limiting beliefs that were imparted on you throughout life.
There are steps that can be taken to overcome such things, so you can start embracing your desires as a natural and healthy part of who you are.
STEPS FROM “FEELING CRAZY” TO “FEELING EMPOWERED”
Life comes with obstacles. The hope is we overcome our obstacles so we can arrive at a more fulfilling place in our mind, body, and spirit. In order to do this, we have to commit to the work–because, yes, it is work, but it’s sooo worth it!
Below I’ve included some tangible steps to help you move from feeling crazy to feeling empowered in your desires. This isn’t a one-time-fix-all approach. You’ll notice that once you overcome an obstacle, a new one will surface. The gift in this, however, is the confidence and self-integrity you build along the way.
Before we jump in, I also want to remind you that some blocks were constructed as a means to help us survive within systems we grew up in. It doesn’t mean they were right; they were simply a mechanism to ensure our safety.
It’s okay to start letting go of those that are no longer serving.
Lastly, certain blocks may not be ready to be overcome. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean there won’t be other opportunities down the road. As we work on ourselves, we gain information which unlocks doors to our unconscious–sometimes only then do we have the insight to change.
Be kind and patient with yourself.
Without further ado, here are the steps to your empowerment. My suggestion is to journal these out. There is a transfer that occurs during free-form journaling that oftentimes doesn’t happen verbally. Of course, if journaling is not possible, take time to meditate on these, or use voice memos to record your findings so you can relisten later.
Here we go:
- Identify what is causing your “suffering.” Is there a specific feeling and/or thought process attached to that pain?
- What is that pain telling you? What are you specifically afraid of and why?
- Ask yourself: are these thoughts and fears based in facts or assumptions? Are these thoughts and fears your own voice, or the voice of someone else?
- What new and authentic narrative can you challenge those thoughts and fears with? Seriously, take a moment to decide and write down what you want this new narrative to be! Hang it on your wall, make it your screen saver, and/or create a morning ritual where you read this aloud to yourself.
- Now, what small steps can you take to overcome those thoughts and fears. This is the practical. If you need specific ideas, check out Mild to Extreme: 10 Exercises for the Uncrowned Cuckquean and tailor it to your comfort level.
- Implement relaxation techniques. For example, when you start to feel the physical or mental sensations of those limiting thoughts and fears, practice deep breathing, or have a mantra you lean on until you regain control. If needed, go through prompt 1-4 again.
Read Aroused and Confused: A Letter to the Apprehensive Quean for a personal example of this. AKA, I had an anxiety attack before a sex party.
- Have a support system in place. I suggest seeking a therapist during this process as they can provide emotional support. Also, staying transparent with your partner will help gauge where you’re at, and allow them to offer additional support.
THE HEALING POWERS OF PLEASURE
One incredible element in the pursuit of our pleasure is it reveals parts of ourselves that would otherwise fly under the radar.
For example, my cuckquean fantasy unveiled my profound people-pleasing tendencies that hinder me in everyday life. Because sex and pleasure require authenticity, I had to learn to prioritize my own needs and well-being in this space. This, of course, has impacted life beyond sex and pleasure in a positive way. Although I consider myself a considerate and kind person, less and less do I put other people’s needs before my own.
Let pleasure bring you back home to yourself.
To that, my dear Royal, I say good luck!
As I’ve mentioned in the past, with each experience, you will find clarity. Building and maintaining a healthy sexual relationship with yourself will only benefit your relationships and experiences with others. Take time to figure out what that means for you.
Thanks for your QLQ.
P.S. Are you still having trouble sharing your needs and fantasies with your partner(s)? I can help! Join my e-list and get my free miniguide, 3 Steps to Maximizing Pleasure in Your Relationship. This guide provides quick, tangible tools for immediate gratification! Get your copy now.