In the early days of Call of the Quean, I presented the internet with a version of myself that I thought it desired – provocative, daring, and explicit (I recall sharing images of me handcuffed to a lamp post or showing off my post-sex, torn tights – cringe). While the blog was initially born from a place of empowerment, it gradually became a source of anxiety.
If you’ve been following me since the beginning, you might recall my frequent disappearances – days or even months of being MIA. Those absences stemmed from my struggle to find comfort in a persona that wasn’t genuinely me. I was sharing too much of my body, personal information, and granting access that didn’t align with my true self. Fortunately, with time, I came to realize that my anxiety was rooted in two main factors:
- Fear of being seen.
- Trying to fit into a predetermined notion of what a woman should be on the internet, which contradicted my natural instincts and authentic identity (#internalizedmisogyny).
From this I learned to embrace the pursuit of pleasure and its healing powers. If I couldn’t be authentic with my followers, how was I supposed to have fulfilling experiences IRL? So, I reflected on what mattered and the changes I needed to make so what I was giving online aligned with who I am offline. Which lead me here:
- I am a woman and don’t owe my body to anyone.
- While I enjoy discussing my sex life, I don’t feel compelled to divulge overly graphic details (with a few exceptions, of course).
- Being a sex blogger doesn’t require me to entertain conversations about my intimate life with just anyone who asks.
- When I do pleasure my way, my fear dissipates, and I feel more confident showing up.
From the moment I learned that I’d be returning to the States, I made a firm commitment to be discerning about the people I allow into my life and whom I choose to share my profession with.
For me, being a sex blogger is a significant aspect of my identity, one that I deeply cherish and take pride in. If I feel unable to confide this detail in someone, the likelihood of forging a close connection with them diminishes considerably. I’ve reached a point where I no longer want to conceal significant aspects of who I am from relationships I invest time and energy into.
In short, I want to be unapologetically me.
Which (in a roundabout way) brings me to today’s question:
“Do your friends and family know about your lifestyle? If so, how did they react to it and how do they feel about it?“
My friends and family are aware of my queerness.
My friends and family know that my husband and I frequent libertine establishments, and celebrate pleasure.
They also know about our open relationship, to some extent.
Fortunately, the people in my life have generally been respectful and accepting of my choices and preferences. If they have questions, they ask. If they have concerns, they express themselves. These conversations are usually born from curiosity or not fully understanding the meaning of certain things. In other words, my people want to make sure I’m okay; once that’s been confirmed, the rest is easy. In fact, for many, I am their go-to person when they’re in need of sex or relationship advice.
On the few occasions I’ve faced judgment or backlash, I’ve drawn a line in the sand. The opinions of others won’t sway me away from my pleasure. It may, however, sway me away from them. When necessary, I limit people’s access to me. Period.
I’ve worked hard on myself and my joy, and I refuse to give that away simply due to someone else’s discomfort or prejudice.
Don’t be mistaken:
Being unapologetically myself includes (requires!) setting boundaries, such as not feeling obligated to share every intimate detail of my sex life or relationship structure with everyone, not even the people I love most. However, when questions arise, I won’t hide the truth, I just may choose to keep some details private.
This might seem paradoxical, but my decision not to disclose every explicit detail of my sexual interactions and relationship is a personal choice that doesn’t diminish the fact that the people I select truly accept me for who I am and the life I lead.
Pursuing pleasure also involves surrounding yourself with individuals who may have different lifestyles but embrace the notion that differences do not equate to right or wrong. The point is for everyone to remain loving, kind, and accepting, not despite, but in light of those differences. This simple philosophy has not only enabled me to cultivate relationships that support my joy and self-expression but has proven a valuable lesson:
The more we show up as our authentic selves, the more we attract like-minded individuals who align with us on a deeper level. It takes courage, but that courage will be rewarded.
Embrace who you are, set boundaries, and find a community that celebrates and respects you for being unapologetically yourself.