Since 2018, I have been making a name for myself online as a cuckquean and an authority in the cuck space. From this came a short-lived, yet successful, coaching career for newcomers of this lifestyle. Despite this intensive beginning, as per my recent article, Reintroducing Quean Mo: Ethical Slut and “Badly Behaved” Sexy Traveler, my cuck-ness has become more of a highlight than the full feature; a special guest, if you will. This is due to the pandemic – our inability to fulfill such fantasies – as well as my expanding sexuality.
Between 2018 and 2020, our focus as a couple was on my cuck-ness and isolating sexual scenarios for the success of this fantasy. I am happy to say that we will be entering 2022 with many experiences under our belts and new cuck-positive friends around the world. I wanted to dedicate this article to all the beautiful souls who have come in (and sometimes, out) of our lives, and those who are on their own monogamish journey.
What you will find in this article are curated lessons we’ve learned along the way. We hope these lessons assist in your path forward, or if nothing else, remind you that you aren’t alone! We applaud you for finding the courage to be yourself.
This fantasy traditionally uses binary language; however, cuck-ness is not defined by sexual orientation nor gender identity. Fundamentally, being a cuckquean or cuckhold, means being aroused by your partner having sexual relations with other people. As you will see, this takes different forms. This article was written from the perspective of a cis-gendered cuckquean and generally reflects my relationship and our assigned pronouns (she/her, he/him). Also, see the glossary and resources at the end of the article.
Entering the Lifestyle
Before diving into this article, I sat with James to discuss the most memorable moments from our cuck journey – both the good and the bad. We agreed that if you’re new to this lifestyle, it’s important to start slow. In fact, as a rule of thumb, always take the speed of the slower partner. Through my interactions with other cuckqueans, we tend to be more emotionally at stake than our partners, and therefore require additional patience and understanding as we navigate these desires.
Reality or Fantasy
A detail I tended to neglect, and which caused me unnecessary stress, was simply that there is no obligation to continue down this path. In other words, you can stop anytime. Moreover, it is possible that, for some, the discovery and process will be more exciting than the actual fulfillment of the fantasy. Taking time to explore whether the reality – the execution of the fantasy – is as exciting as the fantasy itself may help determine your path forward. Doing your best to define what it is you desire before pursuing anything can be hugely beneficial for all parties involved, as well as save you time and emotional energy.
For example, early on in our relationship, James shared a sexual memory from before our time together. Once while living in Toronto, he and his sex friend went on a date. On their way back home, the woman pulled him into an alleyway and started going down on him. I couldn’t get this image out of my head, and when I came out to him as a queer cuckquean several years later, my reaction to this memory was one of the first things I shared with him.
James suggests sitting with your partner and expressing your initial turn-on. Was there a specific moment, experience, or image that triggered your cuckquean fantasy? James also recommends being as specific as you can and paying attention to how you feel as you share these details. The cuck’s partner – also known as a Hot Husband, Hot Wife, or Hot Spouse – should actively listen, ask questions to clarify, and encourage their expression in that moment.
Coming Out to Your Partner
Coming out as a queer cuckquean to James was difficult. I had conflicting thoughts that went something like this:
- What if he thinks I don’t love him because I’m willing to share him?
- What if he prefers the cuckquean scenario over us as a couple?
- What if I enjoy cuckqueaning more than our partnered sex?
- What if this is my way of controlling what I see as an inevitable affair?
- What if this is a fear-based reaction, and I don’t feel like I’m enough for him?
- What if we start to pursue this and I decide I don’t want it anymore?
- What if he gets fed up and leaves because he feels I promised him something?
Every one of us has been educated on sexuality, love, and gender, whether passively or pro-actively. These questions would circulate often, and it took much energy to swim through them and determine which answers were life rafts versus anchors, ready to drag me down. One of the greatest gifts this fantasy gave me was the deconstructing of narrow ideas surrounding women’s sexuality, men’s sexuality, love, sex, and gender.
Last July I wrote an article entitled, Pride Tribute: Why It Took Me So Long to Embrace My Queerness. If I had repressed the cuck part of myself and settled into the heterosexual safety-blanket that is my marriage, I would never have had the courage nor the understanding to write it. Growth can be a terrifying thing because it means shedding layers of yourself that other people donned on you. When those layers come off and your true self shines outward, not everyone will bask in your glow. The clichés are true…
When you are at peace with who you are, you no longer feel the need to prove yourself to anyone. You become your biggest ally. This puts a spotlight on those who can’t raise to your level; those who want to keep you in the shadows with them. Leave them. When they are ready to shed their own layers, they will find you. Your light will lead them back.
Dealing with Jealousy
Jealousy is inevitable. Just gonna put that out there.
You will hear people say it is the deadliest emotion. I beg to differ. I truly believe my cuck-ness – something I experience as an immensely positive characteristic – was born from my jealousy. Don’t misunderstand me: it took the right partner to feel safe in expressing this part of myself.
As many of you know, before James I had a five-year relationship with an emotionally abusive partner. The jealousy I experienced during that time was a result of his continuous gaslighting, toxic behaviour, possessiveness, and mistrust. I was not emotionally safe, and therefore could not access parts of myself that a healthy relationship would allow.
From our first date, James and I communicated our needs (including sexual), baggage we were sorting through due to past relationships, our feelings for each other, and how to best move forward even in the face of conflict. There was a transparency with James that I had not experienced before, as well as the space to express and evolve without judgement or insecurity on either side.
The jealousy that I experienced in my previous relationship took a smaller, more comprehensible form with James. As my cuck-ness surfaced, I realized that other women’s desire for James triggered a mix of jealousy but also delight and pleasure. It turned me on to know that my man was wanted in a context outside of our relationship. This isn’t to say that jealousy is always pleasurable. I still have my moments, I still get hung up on it. The difference is:
Jealousy, in the right context, with the right person, can be a bonding tool that ignites raw passion for your partner. It works for me because the underlying reasons for that jealousy (i.e., replacement, displacement, betrayal) will never be actualized because I trust James, and in turn I can sit in the fiery realm of that jealousy, without burning alive.
If you experience a jealousy that feels hindering, even debilitating, explore the source of that jealousy, and consider speaking to a professional to help you navigate it.
The Diverse World of Queans
During the debut of COTQ, I was contacted by many cuckqueans around the world, and even had the opportunity to interview one: Interview with a Cuckquean. Realizing the diversity within one kink has been eye-opening. There are more variations than the list provided, of course, and not all cuckqueans are bisexual, let alone heteroflexible. As mentioned earlier, this fantasy is not determined by sexual orientation nor gender identity. The purpose of this list is to show you an unexhausted variety of Queans, and maybe help you narrow down what you’re seeking.
Also, if you haven’t read my debut article for Kinkly, What is a Cuckquean: Myth or Reality?, let me say this:
Sexuality, in general, is a spectrum and therefore, cuckqueanry takes different forms. Here are some examples:
The Humiliated Quean
This cuckquean enjoys the feeling of being humiliated by their Hot Spouse and cuckcake/bull. Typically, in the cuck hierarchy, this cuckquean is the most submissive in the room/dynamic. This cuckquean may experience enthusiastic consensual humiliation by the Hot Spouse and Third virtually or in-real time, whether physically there or not.
The Voyeur Quean
This cuckquean enjoys watching the scene of their Hot Spouse and cuckcake/bull. The cuckquean could be in the same room, watching virtually in real-time or post-scene, or playing the role of a peeping Tom.
The Don’t-Ask-Don’t-Tell Quean
This cuckquean enjoys knowing that their Hot Spouse is having sexual relationships with others, but that is the extent of their knowledge. They do not require details, as the awareness of their partner’s “affair” suffices.
The Tell-Me-Everything Quean
This cuckquean gets aroused by hearing the details of their partner’s “affair,” but does not require being present nor necessarily seeing images or videos post-affair. In other words, this cuckquean prefers verbal confirmation of the event.
The I-May-Like-to-Join Quean
This cuckquean likes to be present and allowed to join should they wish.
Consent and Boundaries
Although I wish this reminder wasn’t necessary, I’m going to reiterate it…
Enthusiastic consent is required for any sexual experience, not just physical contact with another person. Because the cuckquean experience takes many forms, sharing explicit images and videos of other people is far within the bounds of needing authorization from that person, as is being watched. If you are a cuckquean who is into the “Peeping Tom” play, remember it is exactly that, a play, and requires the awareness and authorization of all parties.
During our discussion, James reminded me that there were days I felt totally committed to the fantasy, and others I felt indifferent to it. I acknowledged this and the difficulty he faced in gauging my capacity for forward movement. This is where trust and communication came in for us. I learned very quickly that I needed to honour my feelings and not fake my interest for James’ sake. When I did fake it, it caused unnecessary tension and shame.
Be open about how you feel and understand that your partner can only be as present and supportive as you allow them to be.
Caring for Your Third
For etiquette on how to care for your cuckcake or bull, check out my recent Kinkly publication Finding and Caring for a Third in a Threesome: A Unicorn Guide.
Cucking During a Pandemic
Because we are in the middle of a pandemic, with social distancing being reinforced on a global scale, meeting your third may seem impossible. If you’re in a part of the world where meeting your cuckcake organically isn’t possible, here are two alternatives:
FetLife is a website for people of all kinks, fantasies, and fetishes. There are millions of events and profiles to look through! You are bound to find something that appeals to your senses. Be warned, this is a pornographic site and is not suitable for work.
In the tech-driven world we live in, apps have developed to accommodate even the kinkiest of us. Check out my article 3 Dating Apps for Couples Opening Their Relationship to find the one that best suits your relationship.
If you’re interested in taking the next step, here are some fun activities to consider:
- Give the green light for your Hot Spouse to pursue a steamy, online experience. Make sure you discuss the cuck’s desired level of engagement in this process and set time aside for aftercare and communicating likes, dislikes, and next steps.
- If bringing in a third – even online – feels too ambitious now, I always recommend having an Ethical Porn Date. Select porn you will both enjoy and pretend one of the stars is in the room and speaking to your Hot Spouse. Listen to how they react to them. If you’re feeling bold, give words of encouragement.
Once you’ve had your cuck experience, it doesn’t mean the fun is over. Of course, you can seek other cuck engagements with new or recurring partners. There is also a way to bring this fantasy into the bedroom without a third:
For the Quean:
- Write a letter to your Hot Spouse letting them know you want to be fucked the way they fucked their cuckcake!
- Ask your Hot Spouse to call you by their cuckcake’s name. Go a little further, by dressing up like them and humiliate yourself in third person.
For the Hot Spouse
- Write a letter to your cuck letting them know what you’d do to your cuckcake if they were there right now!
- During sex, share sexual experiences you’ve had with past partners.
Overall, the journey should feel positive and evolutionary, even if it’s difficult at times. If you and your partner need additional guidance in navigating this new territory, reach out for a free consultation! And remember…
Until next time,
Fuck well, friends!
Quean Mo xx
In BDSM, aftercare is the period of time after a scene in which partners attend to one another’s physical, emotional, and psychological needs. Typically, the dominant partner in the scene will be the one caring for the submissive partner or partners. BDSM scenes are often very intense, and can often be emotionally and psychologically draining. Physical injuries are also not uncommon during these scenes.
Author’s Note: Aftercare should be a part of all sexual encounters, whereby all parties check-in with each other before, during, and after, and provide care where needed.
This term refers to a third-party (traditionally male) brought into a cuck couple. The bull has sex with one partner (traditionally the wife/female partner), while the cuck partner (traditionally the husband/male partner) watches. The bull is generally more alpha than the cuck and is used to humiliate the cuck as they service the hot spouse. This is the male equivalent to a cuckcake in the cuckquean fetish. The bull may also be referred to as a “cuckold bull,” “swinger bull,” or “alpha male” within the community.
This term refers to a third-party (traditionally female) brought into a cuckquean couple. The cuckcake has sex with one partner (traditionally the husband/male partner), while the cuckquean partner (traditionally the wife/female partner) watches. This is the female equivalent to a bull in the cuckold fetish.
The ranking of authority within a cuck dynamic and/or scene.
— Quean Mo
A term describing the fetish of a man who takes pleasure in watching his partner (traditionally wife/female partner) engage in sexual relations with another man, known as the bull. This fetish usually takes the shape of Domination/submission, whereby the wife (hotwife) and bull humiliate the cuckold. This is a form of mental masochism, wherein all parties are enthusiastically consenting. This female equivalent is a cuckquean.
A term describing the fetish of a woman who takes pleasure in watching her partner (traditionally husband/male partner) engage in sexual relations with another woman, known as the cuckcake. This male equivalent is a cuckold.
Consent is the permission given by all participating parties involved in a physical or sexual situation or specific act. More commonly known as Enthusiastic Consent, it is obtained through ongoing, open communication, which includes the discussion of personal boundaries. Consent can be revoked at any point.
“Enthusiastic consent is looking for the presence of a “yes” rather than the absence of a “no.”
Hot Husband / Hot Wife / Hot Spouse
Term used to define the partner/spouse of a cuck(old/quean). The hot husband/wife/spouse has sexual relationships with other people, with the consent of their cuck partner, and oftentimes in front of their cuck partner.